DD stealing medical records

[backwardsbike]

I am a NCM.  I have two NC kids- son almost 18 and DD who is 14.  PAS is huge in my case.  i only see them EOW and half of summers/hoildays.

I am remarried adn my Dh has several health concerns.  We have two children who are our bio kids and live here, with us full time. Dh had a bit of a past about ten years ago but is much better off now.  He is however X's scapegoat for why our marriage failed and his history is a constant source of various examinations by psychologists, custody evalautors adn now a new GAL the judge appointed in our case.

My NC kids have been put in the middle so badly that our relationship has suffered terribly but they both claim they do not want to stop visits.

Last week end after they left my husband found a one inch thinck file of his past medical records under my DD's mattress!  Nothing the courts don't already know about, just eds perscribed, discharge dates and some notes he wrote himself while he was hosipilatized- again nothing to cause any exparte hearings.

We fel horribly violated.  These kids do thier dad's bidding without thinking while protesting that they love me. ihave ben open with them about my Dh's history and am willing to discuss things with them but they never ask and if I do bring things up they don't want to discuss them.

I wouldlove to think the records were putt here by DD so she could do "research " on her own to better understand DH, but deep down I know it is probably more nefarious than that.

Advice please.  I see my children on Tuesday and am seriously considereing suspending visits but k ow that I'll never get them back if I do that.  I have requested counsleing wihtthe kids for years but they claim they don't want to go and they judge says they shouldn't need ot do what they don't want to do.  The GAL thinks the kids are great and I'm nuts.  I am torn, angry and really at loose ends over this.

[Jade]

>I am a NCM.  I have two NC kids- son almost 18 and DD who is
>14.  PAS is huge in my case.  i only see them EOW and half of
>summers/hoildays.
>
>I am remarried adn my Dh has several health concerns.  We have
>two children who are our bio kids and live here, with us full
>time. Dh had a bit of a past about ten years ago but is much
>better off now.  He is however X's scapegoat for why our
>marriage failed and his history is a constant source of
>various examinations by psychologists, custody evalautors adn
>now a new GAL the judge appointed in our case.
>
>My NC kids have been put in the middle so badly that our
>relationship has suffered terribly but they both claim they do
>not want to stop visits.
>
>Last week end after they left my husband found a one inch
>thinck file of his past medical records under my DD's
>mattress!  Nothing the courts don't already know about, just
>eds perscribed, discharge dates and some notes he wrote
>himself while he was hosipilatized- again nothing to cause any
>exparte hearings.
>
>We fel horribly violated.  These kids do thier dad's bidding
>without thinking while protesting that they love me. ihave ben
>open with them about my Dh's history and am willing to discuss
>things with them but they never ask and if I do bring things
>up they don't want to discuss them.
>
>I wouldlove to think the records were putt here by DD so she
>could do "research " on her own to better understand DH, but
>deep down I know it is probably more nefarious than that.
>
>Advice please.  I see my children on Tuesday and am seriously
>considereing suspending visits but k ow that I'll never get
>them back if I do that.  I have requested counsleing wihtthe
>kids for years but they claim they don't want to go and they
>judge says they shouldn't need ot do what they don't want to
>do.  The GAL thinks the kids are great and I'm nuts.  I am
>torn, angry and really at loose ends over this.

I wouldn't suspend visits.  But I would put all important paperwork in a safe deposit box and don't let your kids be alone in the house.

[backwardsbike]

We have used a five drawer LOCKING flie cabinet for the last six years!  Just so happens, this stuff was put aside adn laid around for probably quite a while.  I guess it didn't seem important til we found it under her bed, KWIM?

What would you do when you saw her the next time if it was your DD?

[jilly]

I'd beat her a$$ for violating my privacy.  That is not acceptable and I'd tell her so.

[mistoffolees]

>We have used a five drawer LOCKING flie cabinet for the last
>six years!  Just so happens, this stuff was put aside adn laid
>around for probably quite a while.  I guess it didn't seem
>important til we found it under her bed, KWIM?
>
>What would you do when you saw her the next time if it was
>your DD?


You need to do a better job of keeping things locked up. Get a safe if you have to.

But that doesn't address the issue - it only helps to keep her away from temptation. You need to have a talk with her about privacy. I would NOT assume that anything nefarious is going on (it may be, but don't assume it). I would treat it simply as a violation of your and your husband's privacy.  Basically, treat it the same way as if she was taking your financial records rather than medical records. It's just plain none of her business.

At 14, she's old enough to know better, but she's apparently never been given limits. Time to start setting limits now. Pick up a book called "Boundaries" by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. There are plenty of others on the same topic, but it looks like you need to start working on defining and enforcing boundaries. The fact that you'd consider suspending visits on this basis indicates that you need to work on your own boundaries, as well.

Good luck.

[backwardsbike]

Misopheles-

I don't have an issue with boundaries.  My issue lies with the fact that there is such a level of PAS in my case that if I try to set appropriate limits with the NC kids I am called in to the judge's chambers or the GAL's office for a reprimand.  I have begged for counseling which would allow me to address these issues in the presence of a neutral third party who could see, and if need be testify, that what I am doing and the limits I am setting are appropriate.  However, the children do not want that and neither does thier AP father who controls them like puppets on a string.  No matter what I do, I pay dearly for it.  My children lie without batting an eyelash to whomever they need to to keep things as they are.

When my Dh caught my DD pushing our six year old down the stairs he came and got me right away and I punished my DD by saying she had lost the priviledge of going to her friend's house.  The GAL was emailed, facts were twisted, and it became about my husband not liking my DD and me beleiving him over her and about how I love my husband and new children more than the NCkids.

Everytime I get any professional to see what's going on my X succeds in getting that person out of the picture by saying they are biased. His word is all it takes.  My word is never accepted even though he has been caught in lie upon lie and I have never lied.

I would consider suspending visits becasue I have been put in the position of having NO parental authority, whatsoever.  That doesn't have to do with me- that has to do with what has gone on in this case for the last ten years.

I strongly suspect that you haven't been placed in a similar situation.  For your information, I am a certifed parent educator, a nurse and a master's candidate in counseling.  Sometimes things really do happen over which we have no control.  In those cases, sometimes it seems prudent to minimize the damge that is being done to everyone involved.

I was simply asking for advice becasue I had hoped someone on this board may have had similar experiences or insight that they'd be willing to share.

[backwardsbike]

Thank you.  While I amy feel like "beating her a$$" I'd never do it.  DOn't beleive in it.  We havehad talk upon talk about privacy.  Unfortuantely in my sitch, communication has become like that game where each player has a bord the other cannot see and theyhide ships on it and each player calls outthe cordinates until one says "You sank my battleship".  Everythingin my case is done behind cloed doors.  Nobody speaks openly to anyone about anyhtiing.  this is my X's preference.  he doesn't wish to communicate with me in any form and the judge doesn't feel he shouldhave to.  if I have concerns my only recourse is to talk to my lawyer at $100 an hour.

If I punish the children or say or do somehting they don't like they make up all kinds of stories aobut me adn tell the judge, thier father's lawyer and now, thier very own GAL.

[mistoffolees]

>
>I was simply asking for advice becasue I had hoped someone on
>this board may have had similar experiences or insight that
>they'd be willing to share.


I gave you advice. You can choose to ignore it and get hostile if you wish. It doesn't bother me.

And if you'd read the book I recommended, you'd see that there are two major types of boundary issues. One involves not knowing how to react when others invade your boundaries. The fact that you asked what you should do is the reason I suggested that you would benefit from the book.

And, yes, I've been in a similar situation. My stbx has done things that would make your hair curl. I just don't think it's particularly relevant. I gave the advice I thought you wer asking for. No one can make you listen. But if you're not going to listen to the advice you're given, you might want to save yourself some time and not bother asking.

[Jade]

>We have used a five drawer LOCKING flie cabinet for the last
>six years!  Just so happens, this stuff was put aside adn laid
>around for probably quite a while.  I guess it didn't seem
>important til we found it under her bed, KWIM?
>
>What would you do when you saw her the next time if it was
>your DD?


I don't know.  The other parent has already put her in the middle by asking her to snoop.  She will only get defensive if you confront her.  

I might take her out to lunch (without the stepparent) and calmly discuss it with her without placing any type of blame.  If she opens up about how she felt she had no choice, that is an in to start teaching her ways she can stand up for herself and not let either parent put her in the middle.  

[mistoffolees]

>I don't know.  The other parent has already put her in the
>middle by asking her to snoop.  She will only get defensive if
>you confront her.  
>

Be careful about jumping to conclusions.

One of the worst things you can do is assume that someone is guilty until proven innocent.

While she may be snooping for BM, there's nothing in the original post that would lead to that conclusion. In fact, the OP admits that this is pure speculation.