Grandchild 1 Year Old - Haven't Seen Him Yet

[Sadgram]

Our son moved in with his fiancee and her parents in 2012, about 2 hours from home. Immediately he realized it was a mistake. The parents were very odd. But he loved the girl so he stayed. They had a baby last summer. The step-dad kept losing his job, they kept getting evicted - our son went into debt keeping them in groceries & paying bills. One month after the baby was born (and once the step-dad got a job) they kicked our son out so they wouldn't have to help him pay debts. He was devastated, lived in his van. He called them to ask to see his baby - they lied in court to get a restraining order.

He moved to a trailer, tried to stay near the baby but he was becoming despondent, finally moved home. We got a loan to pay his debts, and hired a lawyer. She has been a big waste of money, waits on us to do everything. I've become like a private eye, looking into these people's past. What I found was frightening! The ex-fiancee's mom was tried for murdering her own mother. She neglected her, starved her, spent all her money. And she used restraining orders to keep her family from seeing her mother. Same tactics she's using on my son to keep him from his child.

The woman got a plea bargain - served no real prison time - was on probation in her house for a year. That isn't punishment, it's a vacation. Now, this woman is raising our grandson, refuses to allow visitation. The ex-fiancee is her mother's puppet, follows her commands blindly. Our son still loves her, so do we. I think if she could escape her mother's control she could be okay, though she may be bipolar like her mother.

The custody trial is in 2 months. Our son hasn't seen the baby since he was 1 month old. We've never seen him, except in photos the ex posted on FB last December. We can't afford a better lawyer - our credit card is almost empty.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I think our son needs to have some kind of mediation with the ex, to see how she is feeling, without her mother there to keep her under control. The mother is all about collecting people for her "mini-cult" as I call it. I'm so afraid she'll do something drastic as the time for the trial gets closer.

The lawyer doesn't like to talk to me, even though I and my husband paid her retainer twice. Should I ignore that and tell her what we'd like to do? I believe all she cares about is the custody battle, the thrill of winning. If my son could reconcile with his ex and raise the child together he'd be happy. I just don't know if that's even feasible. But how will we know if we can't arrange some kind of mediation?

Thanks for reading this - I know it's awfully long.

[ocean]

Really nothing you can do until court date to see child. Is the restraining order still active? If it is, he has to keep away from her and no contact. You can ask your lawyer to send their lawyer a letter asking for mediation but my guess is grandma will say no way. If the RO is lifted, does bio mom have a job that he can go see her at and drop off letter to. No words, just letter saying he would like to see if they can work something out by themselves. But once again, if bio mom is living with grandma not really going to work out.

What are you looking for in the custody trial? A judge almost never takes away custody from mom so you should be looking at joint custody (both parents make decisions for baby, medical and educational) and a parenting plan for each parent. 2 hours is not so bad, you can meet half way or he goes gets child at beginning of visit and she comes gets him at end. Have your son take a parenting class at library or social service. Take a CPR class. Looks great for court.

Family court really does not care about people's past for the most part. They look at how that person reacts to child and which parent and co-parent better. Child is very young and there are many different parenting plans you can do depending on your sons work schedule. Grandparents do not have many rights so this all has to come from your son and what he can do for child.

[Sadgram]

The restraining order runs out around the same time as the custody hearing date. The bio mom lives with her mother and stepfather, has no income of her own, is totally dependent on them for everything, she doesn't even drive.

The lawyer is asking for joint custody with our son as the primary parent. The parenting class is a good idea. He used to work at a nursing home, has a CPR certificate. Right now he works as an electrician, 10 hour days 4 days a week with a lot of overtime. He lives with us and we're fixing up a room for the baby so I guess we'll be part of the parenting plan. Thanks for your quick response.

[ocean]

You will NOT be part of the parenting plan as father lives with you. This lawyer is not too good about telling you about family court.
1. He will mostly likely never be primary parent, go for 50/50 but her not having a job and living with her parents does not weight into family court.
2. Restraining orders are usually extended so be ready for that but ask how does HE see baby and still have RO in place. Sometimes a third party brings child...
3. If he works all that OT and long days, that may go against him as he is not home and baby can be with mother. Parents come first over grandparents.
4. A judge will not take an infant from "mommy" and give him to dad especially when dad has not seen baby. Maybe have a heart to heart with this lawyer, unless child protective services are involved this will not happen. Distance also is an issue with 50/50 placement as you are far away too but that can be handled until school age.
5. Maybe pay for an hour to another lawyer and ask for an honest response. You are spending a lot of money to fight for primary when he could be putting his energy towards 50/50 or a very good detailed parenting plan.

Look on here for parenting plans..... if it is not written , you do not have it so be detailed as you can. Write one up for your lawyer to look at. People sometimes forget: fathers day, halloween, and father and child's birthday, what happens on long weekends and when holidays are combined to a weekend (monday holidays, can baby stat over from weekend).... post the plan here and we can help you tweak it.

[Sadgram]

Wow - I was afraid this lawyer was naive but...

I guess we'll work out a parenting plan and we might consult with another attorney. Our son needs to know the reality of the situation. I'm copying your response to show to him. Thank you!

[MixedBag]

Ocean is spot on with the advice!  good luck!

[Sadgram]

Thanks! I'm afraid we're going to need a miracle.

[ocean]

Sorry to be so blunt but wanted you to know what you are up against. Trial is in 2 months, don't expect it to go that day or just be one day. There is usually a few hearings to see if you can work it out in the hall between parties. Sometimes hearings and trials takes months to years. So do not go crazy buying things just yet. I know it is hard but set up a bedroom but overnights might not happen for quite a while. Hopefully your family court will move quicker.

The ONLY thing I would tell that lawyer is, I want a temporary visitation plan to see my child out of this next court date, nothing else. The lawyer can ask for a law guardian for child to help set up times and eventually a schedule. Sometimes they help, sometimes they get in the way.

Can your lawyer request in writing to mom/lawyer for meeting place with third party to see baby at public place for an hour or two? Request and then you can show you tried....as long as RO does not include baby. Can be a public library...if no answer, then you will have to wait for courts to give an order.

What state are you in?

[Sadgram]

Well, see that's part of the problem. They moved to XXX right before the baby was born (he was born in a XXX hospital, though, because the bio mom had set that up beforehand). We are in mid XXX, about two and a half hours away.

The other grandmother instigated all of this, but of course the bio mom went along with it. They even tried to make our son think he'd signed away his parental rights somehow but they dropped that lie fairly quickly once we got a lawyer.

Our lawyer did manage to get social services to check on the baby by showing them articles about the other grandmother's murder trial. But it took them forever to go out there. I know these legal & social workers are overwhelmed and tired but they seem so blase about things that would make an average person's skin crawl. I've read the articles - it makes me physically ill knowing our grandchild lives with that woman.

[ocean]

What state is court?
Possible chance to keep it by you with an aggressive lawyer...