Custody of my 13, 8 and 7 year old children

[mykidsmom2000]

I am the custodial parent for my 3 children who all have the same father.  My ex works approx. 300 miles from me.  I remarried and moved out of state to where we live now 5 years ago.  I have documented many instances of parental alienation over the years...my ex and I separated and divorced approx. 7 years ago.  My ex took just the boys to a counselor when we moved and again in January without my knowledge.  The counselor aligned with my ex and filled out an affidavit in support of him getting custody of the children without my knowledge that this was going on.  The counselor doesn't mention my younger one at all so I'm not sure if he knows there is a third sibling.  In June, my ex also had the children fill out affidavits for the court proceedings saying they want to live with their father.  My ex made a motion that he get custody of the two but not the third.  The children already spend most of the summer with their father.....  We have a custody investigator looking into the issue, currently in the process of doing the report, court is in two weeks.  Question is...does anyone have advice for me?  I was blindsided by this whole thing, and wasn't aware my ex was scheming with my children to take them away from me, so have been emotional through the process but trying to stay strong. 

[ocean]

Usually around age 12 , kids can have a SAY (not the decision) on where they want to live so that is prob why he is not going for the third child now.

What do the older two want? Are the kids back with you or still with him for the summer?

Bring their report cards and just say they are doing well here and you are willing to allow more time with dad during breaks but that primary should be with you as the kids need schooling and not farming during the day. Court should be where you got divorced so if he is trying to use court by him, you can get it dismissed.

Do you have a lawyer? Is he asking for emergency custody? Usually custody hearings and trials take months and each side can postpone at least once. So get your lawyer to postpone if possible...get kids back with you and start school. Then is will be very hard for him to remove them during the school year.

[mykidsmom2000]

It's tough to know what the older two want.  Their dad is very controlling and manipulative, and he gets them to say what he wants.  He has a history of domestic abuse towards me, but none for the children, so they don't put much weight on the domestic violence towards me.  He's involved them throughout the divorce and separation process, passing out in front of them, making them check his blood pressure...stuff like that...so the older two feel they need to live with him to help take care of him.   Of course he's blamed me for all his problems, and involved the kids in that...so they feel sorry for him.  Now he's remarried, so fighting for custody for the first time since we broke up.  It's a mess.  My ex also has ignored doctor's orders and hasn't given medication when the kids were there, but now they are old enough to take it on their own.  A concern is that he'd forget to get it.  He also hasn't been involved at all in the kids' school since we moved.  He also won't communicate with me...these are all big reasons why I fear him having custody of them.   

It's possible if the custody evaluation report isn't ready on time, we could use that as a reason to delay.  I'll check into that.  I do have a lawyer helping me.  We go to court in the original place where the divorce was signed, which is where he lives...I'll be traveling back there for this. 

Thanks for your help!

[mykidsmom2000]

He's so angry that I left him that he won't even answer a simple question if I ask, and won't be in the same room as me.  So that the kids don't see stress at exchanges, we exchange the kids at a place that takes the kids to the other parent.  That way there isn't any interaction between us and they do the parenting schedule according to court order.  He wouldn't follow the court order for visitation before that was put into place.  He uses the kids to communicate most information.

The older two do act like they want to return to the current school they are going to, and act happy once they transition back into our routine after being with their dad.  The feeling I get from them is that they did what their dad told them to, and nothing happened, so they're happy things didn't change.  Proving that is a challenge.  The youngest has been very upset by all this, and I can't imagine anyone suggesting the kids be split up, so I'm guessing if he gets the older two,  he'll get them all.  I hate that he keeps trying to toy with their emotions, and don't want to see them torn.  I wish he'd stop involving them, but found there's nothing I can do to make him stop.  Counseling is in order for all involved...

[ocean]

Sounds like they are still there with him? If they call, just say, we will talk about it when you get home.
Are they in counseling right now? What is the counselor view on this? Counselor will have some weight in this too.

Also, you are very right, judges usually will not split kids up and if he did not even ask for daughter than that is not even negotiable right now. That is very good for you.

When do the kids return to you?

[mykidsmom2000]

I have minimal visitation over the summer since they are here during the school year.  They come back for a couple days end of July.  We aren't to discuss this at all with the kids anymore...court ordered.  I think it's terrible that he's involved them to the extent he has.  Makes them feel like they have to choose, and of course he's offered them things if they do what he wants...stuff that's very appealing to young kids.  One of them being money...nicer cell phone...that kind of stuff.  They don't want further counseling, but I was recommended to get family therapy by the custody investigator.  That will start once the kids know where they'll be living.  The counselor thought that was best.  The youngest is seeing a counselor, but my ex won't tell me who it is so that I can give them my contact information.  He told me about the youngest seeing a counselor, but refuses to tell me who it is.

[mykidsmom2000]

He got them a pet and then told them he'd have to sell it if they didn't live with him.  This is the type of thing he was doing before he got remarried.  Now it's other things he's bribing them with.  He didn't sell their pet either, but they were so upset with me that I moved them because he told them he would.

[ocean]

Do you carry the health insurance? You can find out that way...claims. If he does, you can try to call anyway and say you are custodial parent and want name. You can also see if claims are online and make an online account.

Have your lawyer (or you) request from his lawyer the name of the therapist youngest is seeing. The lawyer may also give it to you knowing that you should have that info.

Can you make an appt with that other psych older two went to while you are there for court? Tell psych to make appt under you and charge you. Then go and explain your side of things. We did this and the psych was shocked, had no idea of certain important things (like a current court order or the family dynamics). Start off nice and say you were shocked over this and there is no mention of youngest one, and take it from there....

Write all these things down to tell the child investigator /GAL whoever is assigned to you and therapists. Talk to your lawyer, but maybe you should have appts for kids for when you get back to document all of this...can you go back to one you used before that knew some of the history? Or go interview some before they come home and pick one that will be a good match.

[mykidsmom2000]

We both have health insurance, but he's using theirs for the therapist.  He's ignoring that I even have insurance.  Actually...that's how this whole thing started.  He got married and got put on her policy.  She requested to put the kids on her policy, but they never said anything to me.  HR where she works contacted me, and that was the first I heard about it.  Then he told me he didn't want them on her insurance but he'd already signed them up.  It's all very strange...like they're trying to be sneaky and deceptive and make sure I don't know what they're up to.  Small towns are what they are though...thankfully! 

The custody investigator requested the therapy, and knows he won't tell me, so I'm just leaving it at that until her report comes in.  I haven't been pushy, and don't want to start now.  The psychologist the older two went to I was told will defend his affidavits no matter what I say.  I guess it's happened before because I pushed for that in the beginning.  My ex took them, and he identified that my child had possibility of depression and anxiety if he doesn't get his way, but my ex never said anything to me about it, and never addressed the concern any other way....like as in continuing therapy on his end.  It all appears orchestrated to take them from me from my standpoint, but we'll see how the CI and Judge look at it.  I found out through the grapevine who my youngest is seeing..  The CI is in contact with the therapist, so I know she's looking out for my youngest  best interest.  I feel it's in their best interest for me to be involved, but my ex wants to cut me out completely.  I can't just assume I'm right and he's wrong.  I was seeing a therapist through an abuse/crisis center, and the kids were as well...before moving here.  I gave the CI her name as a reference if she wants to talk to her.  I feel I have always had my kids' best interest at heart, so this process has been heart wrenching. 

[mykidsmom2000]

Another thing I've found is it's difficult to find someone to testify at custody hearings.  I tried to find one, and then after struggling to find one thought...He can pay someone to say what he wants them to say, and I could pay someone to say what I want them to say, but what really matters is that the kids' needs get met in the end, so then I requested the Custody Investigation, which was granted.