Change in custody

[tmacos]

I am located in Florida and currently have 50% custody of my two children; one is 7 girl and the other 12 boy. My wife had cheated on me and ended up pregnant with another mans baby causing the divorce (this would be baby number 2 but the first one she lost).

It has been a difficult separation for the kids and myself. Once my ex-wife had her baby things got more complicated for our two children and the ex constantly has degraded me in front of the children and is very hateful. A restraining order had been placed on the new babies daddy because of the abuse he dished out on my ex-wife. Eventually he ended up in jail.

It has been a rough 4 years and another baby might be on the way for my ex-wife with her new boyfriend. My two children have been sharing a room and help take care of their new baby brother at her house. She does not pay any of her bills and is in constant financial trouble but always seems to have money for Disney World, new clothes, and fake nails. I had remarried and am very happy but for my new wife it has been very hard. My new wife and family got counseling to help deal with all the crap that has gone on the past couple of years.

I am very attached to my children and love them both so much. I want full custody of them but there is no talking to the ex-wife as it gets ugly whenever I have tried and I don't want my kids to see her curse me out in front of them.  My new wife has a good stable career and was offered a job in NC making a substantial amount more than she has ever been offered but we are not sure how to go about this with the kids and the ex-wife?

All I want is the opportunity to give my children a solid stable life with out having to move constantly with their mother and new siblings. I would not mind if she wanted to visit them for the summer but would like to have them most of the time. Am I wasting my time if I fight for them? Most people tell me that there's no way I will be able to get full custody of them and to just give up.

I currently pay all the child care, medical, child support to my ex-wife, and some of the bills she was court ordered to pay but she could not get refinanced under her own name so shortly after the court hearing she just stopped paying and they came after me (both our names were on the car she took). She was also suppose to keep them on her medical plan but after a few months she took them off saying it was just too expensive. I submitted new paperwork to the case worker regarding the changes but they completely screwed it up increasing the child support even more then after fighting with them to get it corrected they just said no change. Then in a nasty way the case worker asked me why I took over the bills that were supposed to be hers and that I was not supposed to do that?

Sorry this was so long I am just trying to add some of the details of all that I have been going through. All of this is true.

Thanks,
Harley Davison

[Jade]

>I am located in Florida and currently have 50% custody of my
>two children; one is 7 girl and the other 12 boy. My wife had
>cheated on me and ended up pregnant with another mans baby
>causing the divorce (this would be baby number 2 but the first
>one she lost).
>
>It has been a difficult separation for the kids and myself.
>Once my ex-wife had her baby things got more complicated for
>our two children and the ex constantly has degraded me in
>front of the children and is very hateful. A restraining order
>had been placed on the new babies daddy because of the abuse
>he dished out on my ex-wife. Eventually he ended up in jail.
>
>It has been a rough 4 years and another baby might be on the
>way for my ex-wife with her new boyfriend. My two children
>have been sharing a room and help take care of their new baby
>brother at her house. She does not pay any of her bills and is
>in constant financial trouble but always seems to have money
>for Disney World, new clothes, and fake nails. I had remarried
>and am very happy but for my new wife it has been very hard.
>My new wife and family got counseling to help deal with all
>the crap that has gone on the past couple of years.
>
>I am very attached to my children and love them both so much.
>I want full custody of them but there is no talking to the
>ex-wife as it gets ugly whenever I have tried and I don't want
>my kids to see her curse me out in front of them.  My new wife
>has a good stable career and was offered a job in NC making a
>substantial amount more than she has ever been offered but we
>are not sure how to go about this with the kids and the
>ex-wife?
>
>All I want is the opportunity to give my children a solid
>stable life with out having to move constantly with their
>mother and new siblings. I would not mind if she wanted to
>visit them for the summer but would like to have them most of
>the time. Am I wasting my time if I fight for them? Most
>people tell me that there's no way I will be able to get full
>custody of them and to just give up.
>
>I currently pay all the child care, medical, child support to
>my ex-wife, and some of the bills she was court ordered to pay
>but she could not get refinanced under her own name so shortly
>after the court hearing she just stopped paying and they came
>after me (both our names were on the car she took). She was
>also suppose to keep them on her medical plan but after a few
>months she took them off saying it was just too expensive. I
>submitted new paperwork to the case worker regarding the
>changes but they completely screwed it up increasing the child
>support even more then after fighting with them to get it
>corrected they just said no change. Then in a nasty way the
>case worker asked me why I took over the bills that were
>supposed to be hers and that I was not supposed to do that?
>
>Sorry this was so long I am just trying to add some of the
>details of all that I have been going through. All of this is
>true.
>
>Thanks,
>Harley Davison
>

Let me see if I have this straight, you want full custody of the kids and you want to move them further away from their mother?  

While she may not be a perfect mother (and perfect mothers just don't exist), she is their mother.  And they have a right to see her.  

I think moving away from your kids and possibly taking your kids with you (which I don't see a judge agreeing to, especially since your plans would involve completely uprooting the kids) is not in the kids best interests.  Right now, they have access to BOTH of you.  And that is what is important.

[mistoffolees]

The courts like stability. If the kids are content and happy where they are, then the strongest facto would be

One of the biggest factors is what you mean by '50% custody'. If that's 50% legal with the mother having primary physical custody, then it would be very difficult for you to get primary physical AND permission to move. If it's 50% legal and 50% shared physical, you could petition the court for permission, but you're going to need a pretty strong reason to allow it - basically proving that the mother is harming the kids in some way. That is independent of your desire to move. There's nothing in your post that makes it seem likely that you'd win such an argument.

Barring such evidence, you're in a common situation. You will have to choose between your wife's career and your time with your kids.

Oh, and the child support issues are 100% irrelevant to the custody question.

[tmacos]

Yes that is correct. I am not stopping the children from seeing their mother. However, it would just be a change in custody. I would be willing to fly them to Florida every summer and holidays. To me the best interest of my children would be to offer them a normal life with out having to be uprooted by their mother from home to home. To go through watching their mother get into constant fights with boyfriends.  The last boyfriend the kids were afraid of and when things got really bad she would not let me come get them afraid that I would try to keep them permanently.  If my children want to stay with her I would defiantly take that into consideration but would want to see her get some help and make better decisions for them.

I have taken the kids to NC and they love it there, both have made comments that they would love to live there.  I know it would be a difficult change at first but I feel it would be best.  If I do move and lose custody I believe it would only take 6 months or so before I got the call to come get them from her. She has no support system here in Florida as all her family has moved away and friends have been burned out from her dumping the kids off on them so she can go party or needs a break. She calls us most of the time now when she needs to drop them off on the week or weekends she is suppose to have them which is fine and I prefer it.

So I can assume to lose custody is kind of the feel I get from your response right? It will only be a matter of time when she abandons them, which has happened before when she flips out. I know no ones perfect including myself but I want my children to have a better life with out all the constant drama not to mention the damage that is caused by her insults and no respect for me in front of the kids.

I guess I will pray and hope for the best.

Thank you,
Harley Davison

[mistoffolees]

>So I can assume to lose custody is kind of the feel I get from
>your response right? It will only be a matter of time when she

You need to be clear on which type of custody you are referring to. Assuming that you are currently 50:50 legal custody, that is not likely to change. The physical custody is what will change.

>abandons them, which has happened before when she flips out. I
>know no ones perfect including myself but I want my children
>to have a better life with out all the constant drama not to
>mention the damage that is caused by her insults and no
>respect for me in front of the kids.

If she abandons them, then you can petition the court for custody. Until then, it's not likely that the court will make the change unless you can show that the mother is harmign the kids.

And despite all your arguments that NC would be a great place for them to live, the fact is that they currently have a home (imperfect as it may be) and kids need stability. Uprooting them from their friends, mother, school, location, etc will be very disruptive - even if there are positives to it, as well.

[Davy]

Harley D.

I'm one of those that got the call you're talking about.  

Eventually, as a single father I took the kids (3) back home to Tx (from IL) without judicial approval ... the local state court had recently been ordered by a Federal Court not to have anything to do with my children and myself for "being bias and prejudice" against us so basically I had no judicial forum.  I did have both the support/encouragement for this action from across the commmunity from the State's Attorney office (head nod), to law enforcement, down to those that collect the garbage.

A female community leader phoned the last night I was there and asked if I would chair a juvenile control board that was being formed.  We both chuckled when I responded "oh because I know all the juvenile delinquents in town ??"  I told her I was somewhat surprised of the support.  YOU MAY BE ENCOURAGED by what she said next :

"We all remember your kids when they first arrived here ... now look at them ... and we know you had nothing to do with this condition".  

Three squad cars pulled up the next morning as we were preparing to leave.  Five smiling officers exited the vehicles as I approached.  They shook my hand (apologetic for all the BS) and wished us all luck when we got back home to Tx.  It was some of the same officers that usta try to arrest me on trumped up charges 2.5 years earlier when I "exercised my visitation" as a Tx CP ( I became NCP because Tx could not grant visitation to a CP and IL CP refused to return kids to TX ... nobody would make HER.

BTW, the kids thought it was hilarious "Dad" was referred to as "NCP" and they were confused as to why mom got so pissed off when the CS check arrived.

I post this to encourage you.  I reeally don't know what "the policy" is today but in days gone by mothers could relocate children for new husbands new job even when Dad was very active with the kids.

In my opinion, your children should be removed from the mother and the environment she creates.  Would it help to retain counsel from outside the good ole boy judicial system ... they are more likely to argue for you and your kids ... they won't be appearing with that judge later that day or the next ... and knows what the judge will do before the case is presented.  

If you need to leave without the kids, at very least provide a local contact for the kids in case something critical (ie abandment) happens.

I wish I had some better advice for you.  

[backwardsbike]

I am all for retaining counsleo "outside the good ole' boy" network.  Unfotunately, by the time I realized how things worked my goose had been cooked, so to speak.  At least get yourself a consult with an out of town attorney.

What strikes me in your post is by your description- the mom has a really unstable envvironment.  How are the children doingin schoo,?  Is she keeping up with regular doctor attointments?  Do any of the kids need regualr medication?  If so, is she keeping perscriptions filled?  In ot- then your best bet would be to get her for neglect.  Documentation is the key.

Do you know the children's doctors?  WHere their perscriptions are filled?  I htink you need to do some detective work and see what you find.  DO you kep in touch with teachers?  I do via email and it has proved enlightening on more than one occassion.  Its well worth the time it takes to make it happen.