Single father, ex is outside the country

[seekanswer]

You are not blocking access but making times to deal with her. If she calls at other times, let you phone go to voicemail. Once you send the email detailing times daughter is available then stick to it. If she is refusing to let son on phone, then the next time, pick up phone at the planned time and say "let me talk to xx for a few minutes and then ill pass phone to xx so they can talk for a few minutes then you can talk to her". If she says no or demands to talk to daughter and hang up with contact with son, then next time try again and do not put daughter on phone until you talk to son first.

You are allowing her to have full access 24/7 and she is not even in the country. Court orders here usually have days/times to call. If you have that already then go back to it. Send ex letter:
Ex,
Calling times have been confusing so I am going back to the court ordered times which are xx xxx. Daughter will be available during those times. Please have son call at those times and I will talk to him first and hand phone to daughter so they can have a few minutes together, then he can pass phone to you. This way you do not have to have contact with me and we both get to talk to the kids.
YOu

School- Send a letter directly to the school,
School,
I am the biological father of xx xx. I am writing to you to get access to xx teacher and educational record. I am enclosing envelopes (big yellow ones) and $10 to cover any copying costs in sending me his past report cards and attendance records. I am also available by email at xxxxx or telephone number xxx. Please have his teacher contact me. Thank you.
You

I did that one time in the past, and she accused me of blocking her access. Yes...I got easily threatened by her.
Thank you for putting it in a new perspective. Thanks for your suggestion! 

I will send such letter to the school. Btw, what do you think if I tried to ask someone from the country to check with the school?

[ocean]

Maybe send school letter first and see what happens? No one else should be able to get any records.

Not sure what you are afraid of? She is so far away and your house , your rules. She is playing hard ball with you, so she can have access to daughter if you have access to son. If she continues craziness, then you both raise the child you have and reconnect when children are older. Kids are still young and probably very confused , especially your daughter when she sees she talks to mom but you can not talk to son.

[seekanswer]

Maybe send school letter first and see what happens? No one else should be able to get any records.

Not sure what you are afraid of? She is so far away and your house , your rules. She is playing hard ball with you, so she can have access to daughter if you have access to son. If she continues craziness, then you both raise the child you have and reconnect when children are older. Kids are still young and probably very confused , especially your daughter when she sees she talks to mom but you can not talk to son.

Sure. I will write a letter to the school.
What do you think of what my daughter's school said? That they're not willing to remove my ex's direct access because she still has parental right (even though I am the one that have sole legal and physical custody)?

As of her threat, I am still recovering (from emotionally abusive relationship with her).
I started to have my confidence back, and started to see that she bluffs a lot.
I think most of my worry is coming from the possibility of she re-opening the case, and pour in her baseless whines. I am not sure I can afford a lawyer to defend myself. You're right, my house, my rules, and moreover, I have the proofs to defend myself against her baseless accusation.

[ocean]

In US both parents have access to records but not to interrupt her school day to talk to her or emails with teacher. She has the legal right to see records only, even with sole custody.

[MixedBag]

Exactly what Ocean said -- about the school records.  Divorce decrees must do the opposite and specifically forbid access.  Sole custody means that you don't have to ask the other parent for input on making decisions for the child.   Like you could switch schools and not have to ask the other side "what do you think?"  Or you can get shots for the child and not have to ask the other side "What do you think?"  You simply do it and notify the other side. 

Sounds like a trip to your son's local school might be a good idea (even if they live so far away).  Do you speak the language of the country where your son lives?  Wonder how hard it would be to file in that court system for a specific parenting time plan which I understand wasn't ordered at the time she got sole custody?  The distance stinks....but it's your son....

[seekanswer]

In US both parents have access to records but not to interrupt her school day to talk to her or emails with teacher. She has the legal right to see records only, even with sole custody.

I see. Is it the same for all state?
My intention is not to block her, but instead of giving direct access, I will forward my daughter's school record to her manually. I hope that way she would be willing to cooperate (send me our son's school record).

[seekanswer]

Exactly what Ocean said -- about the school records.  Divorce decrees must do the opposite and specifically forbid access.  Sole custody means that you don't have to ask the other parent for input on making decisions for the child.   Like you could switch schools and not have to ask the other side "what do you think?"  Or you can get shots for the child and not have to ask the other side "What do you think?"  You simply do it and notify the other side. 

Sounds like a trip to your son's local school might be a good idea (even if they live so far away).  Do you speak the language of the country where your son lives?  Wonder how hard it would be to file in that court system for a specific parenting time plan which I understand wasn't ordered at the time she got sole custody?  The distance stinks....but it's your son....

Oh...could you elaborate "divorce decrees must do the opposite and specifically forbid access"? Do you mean it should be mentioned in the court order to forbid access to school record?

As for trip to my son's local school, I'll make plan for it. My hesitation is that I am afraid of my safety. Four years ago I went there to file the case in local court. She came to see our daughter, but she didn't bring our son. And the situation was a bit hostile back then. My ex's mom made a scene...really bad. It was traumatizing for my daughter and I.

Yes, I speak the language even though not perfect. And as for the filing specific parenting time plan, it's still uncommon such things decided by the court. Usually the court just leave it up to both parents. Even let say I managed to have the court decide on that, but there is no enforcement whatsoever, in case she refused to follow through.
As I mentioned, the law there is like the law here in U.S. 40 years ago. It's so behind.

[ocean]

Yes, in US, both parents have school access regardless unless the court order says otherwise which is very rare here.

Maybe try a heart to heart letter/email?
Ex,
I miss xx and I am sure you miss xx. I want to plan a trip to xx next month so the kids can see each other and you can see xx and I can see xx. Would you agree to meet me at xx with xx for lunch (or wherever)? I would prefer that your mother not be at this meeting or stay peaceful as the last time did not go so well. We really need to get along for the kids sake and I'm willing to put the past behind us and hoping you can do the same. Please let me know what you think.
You

Or, just go there while school is in session (don't tell her you are going and maybe not bring daughter) and see school, talk to teacher, give them info and envelopes with postage, see if they have online access, and they may allow you to see son on the office or in the classroom. Then fly home without dealing with her. It will get her mad but you saw son and begun a relationship with school. I would even donate some items if needed to the classroom or school in son's name. If you can not see son, have a little package they can give to him.

Ugg...here is a nightmare with family court, I can't imagine doing this out of the country.

[MixedBag]

It's been a while for me personally to know exactly what I remember -- but there's a letter here at the site and it references FERPA.

and I believe it is in the FERPA laws that both parents have access unless specifically prohibited in the order otherwise the school can be denied federal funding -- or something like that.  My son emancipated several years ago -- so I'm TRULY not uptodate on where to find this information -- just remembering from when I had the challenge when he was younger because the school well, they were not cooperative.

So -- search around on this site.....in the articles.

BTW -- I live a 12 hour drive from my son (not as expensive as a 12 hour flight), but in the end, the school system knew me better than Dad or Step-mom -- even for their own children -- because I was involved and cared about my son's education.  So...granted it's a distance, and I understand "easier said than done"....

Just stinks that Mom is putting you through this -- and rise above it on your end.  Let her have direct access and let it go.