Funerals

[dipper]

Quick reminder - our custody order allows basically for 50/50 time and includes my husband and myself (grandparents).  We are all going to court on April 7th as mother and father are both seeking custody.  My husband and I have an attorney and are also seeking custody, but in reality supporting our son's attempt and be a party of his custody.


Since the mother moved out on October 25th, granddaughter has been subjected to 2 visits to ER for herself, three visits to the hospital to see the mother who has a chronic illness, and 2 funerals.  Granddaughter is only 15 months old.  Now, the mother has had a death in her family - great, great grandmother to our granddaughter.


This is our week to have child.  Mother wants to get her for family viewing and funeral, but does not want to compensate us for the time.   She was in the hospital recently and the order states that we have the child during this time.  We took custody of child and we were not asked to allow child to visit with mother during that time.   So, yes, we have had 'additional' time with child - as stipulated in court order.


We suggested that when mother gets child for funeral, she keep the child for her week of visitation but she says no.   She also does not want us to keep child additional time when she returns her. 


At this point, we are telling mother then we will see her Saturday morning to return child as per court order since she has refused to work out any arrangements.


Any thoughts?   I don't want to seem cold and heartless.  The mother was not close to this great-grandparent and the child in question is only 15 months.   She is not going to sit for that funeral.  We do not want to keep her from attending or being there for her family, but we are not obligated and feel she could at least try to work with us.


Our grandchild has cried the last five times we have had to return her.  As soon as the mother or maternal grandmother touch her, she starts crying and looking at us.   

[ocean]

Funerals have come up in the past and some people have put it into their order that if an immediate family member (and put who those members are in writing- grandparents, siblings, cousin..) were to pass, child would be allowed to go.

This one, I would say child should go. Child is too young to know what is going on but the family wants to be together. You would want the child with you if anything happened on her time. This should not be a made up time-it is a funeral. Allow her to come get child or drop child off and pick child up after the funeral/dinner. It shows the courts you are willing to work with her and custody is given to the parent who can do what is best for child and work well with other parent when needed. She already has what you wrote to her already to use against you so maybe just write :
"We are sorry to hear about your great grandmother and want xx to be with you and your family from xx to xx so she can be there. Let me know when good times would be to pick up/drop off for those two days (or whatever it is)."

[dipper]

We do understand them wanting her to be there.  I think part of our frustration is that she had expected g-gma to pass a couple of weeks ago and told us - if she passes I want child with me and we will switch times.  We get this a lot from her, saying one thing and then wanting another. 


Also, child cries when going back and it may be easier for her to stay for a few days (switching times) than to stay with us two nights, go there for a night, and then back here. 


But, I asked for opinions and I value yours!  Thank you!

[MixedBag]

I tend to agree with Ocean....and I also think that when you suggested a solution -- and Mother said NO -- and then you said "We'll see you on Saturday" -- that was kinda harsh.

It's almost like saying "My way or no way" even if you gave a choice, in the mother's eyes it wasn't a choice. 

(Hope you understand what I'm trying to say without being offended).

Lastly, my grandbaby cried the other day when she had to go home with her daddy after a full day of babysitting.  Really caught dad and myself off guard -- so I'd lean towards this is natural particularly at that age.  (Chloe is 14 months).   

[dipper]

We had planned on saying - see you Saturday, but we had not said that yet.  We went with Ocean's advice because we realize that the mother is not going to be honest in court that she had told us twice that we would switch times.   The judge would see things from the outside.


The child physically pulled away from mom today.  This time, our son had to place her in the carseat for her.  I do see some of this as normal which is why it would have been easier if the mother had simply kept child through the rest of the week, switching weeks without child staying bits and pieces.   She refused.  She also would not agree to time stated and had to move that up several hours..and then she refused to come after child and demanded she be met somewhere else.  If you say up...she will say down.  If she says up and you agree up.....then she switches to down.  It is constant.

[MixedBag]

Children get used to switching too.  Switching can also ease anxiety in that the child will learn that they get to see the other parent again in just a day or so.

My step-grand needs that -- when she's with Mom she asks for Dad and when she's with Dad she asks for Mom.   It eases the anxiety when they can say "in two days" -- because Dad gets every Wednesday overnight.  So there's not many times when there's a long period of time when she doesn't get to see her dad.