Documentation...

[gemini3]

It's been 8 months now since I filed my petition for a custody change, and I have read so much stuff in so many places that tells you how important it is to document.  That you need to document everything, etc.  So, I have.  The problem is that the GAL, psychologists, home study people, etc. that I have met have ALL made one negative comment or another about someone having lots of documentation.  I hear stories about how some guy came in with a binder full of stuff tabbed and indexed, and how they thought that he was the most controlling person they'd ever met, or how they didn't think that was necessary, or they didn't like it when people did that.

So, I have to ask myself (and should have asked them I guess) - what does a person do when they are faced with a liar, a manipulator, and someone who has a history of making false accusations?  How do you show these people who are supposed to be evaluating the situation what's really going on?  Either you have all this documentation (because proving that someone is lying is an arduaous process), or it's your word against the word of a master manipulator.  

So, I ask, what do you do?

[John-J-Jay]

I can speak from experience. I had tons of stuff to give the social worker and it went agaisnt me saying i was obsessed. YOu need to be careful on what u give or don't give. Giving to much can hurt you. #1 have the confidence that you don't need to prove anything let your actions with your child speak. In other words let time do the speaking for you. I have custody but the social study 6 yrs ago went agaisnt me and the social worker picked my ex because of all the paperwork i had.

what state are you currently doing the home study?

[gemini3]

I'm in Virginia.  Luckily, I didn't have all the information sitting out when they came.  After they said those things I decided not to bring it out.  I'm worried that when we get to court all the lies will work in her favor because I didn't do anything to prove them to be lies.

Thanks,

[Kitty C.]

Personally, I would go back and ask them the same thing you asked here.  And let us know what they say!

[mistoffolees]

Not an expert opinion by any means, but my GUESS would be that it depends on what you're documenting.

If what you're documenting is all the truly relevant things, I can't believe it would hurt you. If, OTOH, you're documenting page after page of silly stuff, you're going to look silly.

Look at some of the posts on this board. Some of them are very factual and concise. Others are long, rambling posts filled with irrelevancies. Which ones get the most responses? Which ones get the most favorable responses?

Courts and social workers are probably the same way. If it looks like you're just digging for trouble and filling page after page with trivia, they're going to think you're causing trouble. If, OTOH, you limit your documentation to things that really matter, you should do OK.

Again, that's just an opinion and not based on much of anything. I agree with whoever said to ask them what they're looking for - or ask your lawyer.

[FLMom]

I'm not an expert either, but I like the idea of playing things close to the vest, so to speak.

Document to your heart's content, but just don't be too quick to share the information. I know that doesn't make sense, so let me splain. . .

The GAL and others have told you how they feel about too much information, so take that to heart. This is all going to go to court eventually, right? Instead of taking a "proactive" approach with your documentation, take a "reactive" one.

You know what you've got, and you know what wild stuff is going to be slung around in court. LET the wildness happen, then wait until court to calmly say, "Pardon me, but I believe. . . . ." and THEN bring out your documentation of certain events. Give em enough rope and they'll hang themselves.

A GAL can make all of the suggestions they like. They may even "vote" for the other parent. It's the JUDGE that has the final say. And if a judge sees that the other parent has pulled the wool over the GAL's eyes by the credibility of your documents, that just sinks the other parent in the long run.

Another way this can work for you is that the other parent, while in court, will see you bring in these boxes of stuff, and they'll have NO IDEA what you've documented. Not only documented, but people are naturally intimidated in court, and it would probably knock her off her game because she'll be wondering what you're going to come up with the entire time that court is in session. You may not even open one lid on a box. Leave em guessing!

[mgmills123]

'...will see you bring in these boxes of stuff...'

I did this and the looks I got were priceless. Then I refuted every one of her charges with my documentation. Everytime she'd accuse something I'd hand a paper to my atty. who would shoot it down based on the proof. After a few of these she was a basket case on the stand. I even carried some up to the stand with me to jog my memory if I needed it. Her atty. objected nearly everytime I used it because he just wanted me to answer instead of researching my answers. The judge shot him down everytime.

[gemini3]

I wish I'd had your judge...

We went to court a week and a half ago, and I'm still reeling.  We had our documentation, caught her in several lies, etc.  I thought things were pretty much wrapped up for us, especially when the judge read her the riot act for violating 3 state statutes, subjecting the children to "questionable" (in his words) situations, blocking my access to them, blocking my access to their acedemics, bad mouthing me in front of them, and subjecting my youngest to unnecessary therapy for two years without my consent and against my numerous protests.

Then, believe it or not, he said that since all of this didn't appear to be affecting the children, he was going to leave things the way they were "for now".  As if he's going to be watching how things go and will make a change later if they don't go well.  Hah!

It was really disheartening.  I'm crushed.  My kids are too young right now to really get a lot of what's going on, but it's only a matter of time.  My youngest is already having behavioral problems, and I'm afraid they'll just get worse the longer their with their mom.  I really don't understand why the judge would say all of that, and then not make a change.

Oh, and he ordered us to go to family counseling.  That's a joke.  Just ask anyone who knows anything about BPD how effective therapy is for someone who has that.  Almost impossible.  But I'm sure it will be emotionally draining on everyone else involved....