React or not?

[dipper]

On Mother's Day our exchange over child went badly when the mother started discussing an issue which should not have been discussed during exchange.  Then they tried to blame us.  Tonight, we arrived for exchange of child and she was already standing outside car with her arms crossed with that mean look....and grandmother was leaning on trunk with cell phone up pointing at us.  The mother started with, "I am not trying to start something but...."


She went on to say if we take child out of town at any point we are to give her 24 hour notice.  Mind you, this is not out of state.   Where we live, anywhere you go is "out of town".  She admitted that I did tell her yesterday that son was taking child to visit his ailing grandmother 82 miles away today.   But, said it was not 24 hour notice.  None of this is in any sort of agreement.  The mother's doctor's are 82 miles away and she never tells us when she is taking child to appointments with her.  She also takes child to appointments for her cousin that are far away from home.


I feel we do not need to tell her where we are going as long as it not out of state.  She tries to micromanage our time with child. 


While we do have an attorney, he is basically worthless on issues like this.  I want to write her a letter stating to her that we have the right to take child places without her permission/knowledge.  We will not be giving her 24 hour notice just as she has never provided this to us.   Also, she is NOT to discuss this stuff at exchanges in front of child and any/all future exchanges may be video recorded or voice recorded.  (we did catch a snippet of this one tonight, again showing she bringing up stuff during exchanges).  I can honestly say we have never initiated a discussion regarding changes or anything during exchanges.  She did a lot in the beginning, then calmed down until May.....


So, is letter an okay idea or just let it go and forget her tactics?

[BusyMom]

I would vote ignore.  If it's not in any agreement there is nothing for her to raise with the Court.  Just calmly tell her you will follow the Order and then drop it.  You could also ask her to put such requests in writing to you and you will review it with your attorney.  Don't say you will do it, but that you will forward to your attorney for them to review.  If she is stupid enough to send a letter more or less being a jerk, it will just give you ammunition. 

[dipper]

Thank you for your input.  I really think this is mostly just a way to try to control when she feels powerless over what we do with the child during our time.  What bothers me - as I know she cannot force us to do anything - is that she is bringing up matters at exchanges and this has led to a couple of tense exchanges.  The child should not be exposed to these discussions. 


But, as a teacher, I do believe in the extinction method to alter behavior - ignore...ignore...ignore.  If you slip up once and respond, you are starting all over.

[ocean]

I would just ignore anything she says at exchanges. Calmly take child in your car and ignore.
With the next communication "As for what we do with xx of our times, is our business just like when she is with you, we do not micromanage your time. We will always give you contact information if we will not be home overnight, just as I expect you to do the same. We will also not be communicating with you at exchanges as xx should not see any bickering. If you have something I need to know, use the communication book I am sending on the next visit or in an emergency you can text us."
Do not respond to every text, email, letter. IF it can wait, let it. If it needs a response, one word-sentence. Make it business like but if at all possible, ignore. Took our PB YEARS of letters/emails with no reaction to kind of give up on all the nonsense. Usually after court it calms down...good luck.

[MixedBag]

ignore...and video the exchanges your self too.

[dipper]

Thank you both for your input.   When she calls when child is with us, she always prompts to find out exactly what we have been doing.   I see it like this - it's the same as if child was 5 years old and being grilled.  Right now, she attempts this with us.  Eventually it will be with child. 


Ignoring is what we plan for now.   

[Kitty C.]

And if she continues to push issues at exchanges (regardless of recording or not), you can ask local law enforcement for a stand-by at the exchange point.  I gather you live in a very small community (so do I) and local LE, whether it be a deputy or town cop, are more likely to do a stand-by than more urban agencies.  Usually a cop parked in the same parking lot, even if it's 50 yards away, can be a huge deterrent for bad behavior.   

[Waylon]

Ignore it.

The fact is that if it's not specified in the Parenting Plan, it's not something that she can arbitrarily set rules for or impose her demands on. 

As Kitty mentioned, record everything, especially the exchanges.

[tigger]

It sounds like MOBM (mother of Bio Mother) recorded the encounter.  Did you, at any time, say "okay" when she said that you have to inform her whenever you take the child out of town? 

My ex used to try this on me.  He would be recording the conversation and try to get me to say okay as in "I understand what you are saying" in order to trap me and use it as me agreeing to what he was saying (with his wife in the background on a muted line telling him what to say).  Never worked.  I always responded to him in a full sentence.  "I understand what you are saying but I disagree with you.  Can we discuss this later?"  Or simply, "I'm not changing my mind or my position on this topic."  Drove him nuts.

[dipper]

The grandmother had, I believe, gotten back into the car after putting child in.  The mother continued to follow son around to the back of our van.  I could not hear all of what was said.  We were trying to record on a phone once she had started talking.  You can clearly hear her saying that I had told her that son was taking child to visit his ill grandmother and "that's okay, that's fine" as she waved her hands but then said she wanted 24 hour notice.  I did hear son tell her that what they discussed was that if he wanted child on HER time he was to give her 24 hour notice, not that he had to tell her if he was going somewhere on his own time. 


However, we are joint legal and custodial guardians of child and she never addressed us with this matter.  We have not agreed to anything and will not agree. There is nothing in the agreement regarding it.  We live in a very rural area and anywhere you go is basically out of town!