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Money issue with ex

Started by OneMan, Jan 21, 2016, 01:51:30 AM

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Hi--quick question even though I've brought it up before. It's money related.

Brief background. Teen aged child, no support order or support agreement. Custody 50-50. Split up since child was baby. Ex has remained extremely combative for all these years although surprisingly lawyers only came into the picture once at the beginning to write settlement cover custody, holiday schedule, etc.

Topic. For first three years of child's life I paid 100% child care even though our salaries were the same. It was a very expensive, private day care. So about 25,000 a year. She refused to pay anything. Reason given? I wasn't paying rent then because it was my sister's house and she didn't charge me.

Many years later, child is in private school. We have paid 50/50 except for two years when I paid 35%. I am having a very hard time paying 50 now. (In fact it's always been hard. Debt load is huge at the moment.) She refuses to pick up the slack saying I have money available to me because of money I have put aside for college, which I don't want to use now. I've told her that since she is remarried, it is now she who pays no rent because husband covers all of that. He also covers part of tuition. So her expenses are cut way down. And so she should pick up the slack.

Basically, I believe she should pay me back for the money she never paid way back in the expensive day care to make up for what I am unable to cover.

I'm wondering what a court would say to something like this? She believes a judge will say that the fact that I have been paying 50/50 most years, plus the fact that I paid 100% back in the early years, will work against me.

Or would a judge say that she needs to make up for that money she didn't contribute?

Honestly, this has always bugged me but I let it go in the past. I haven't wanted to pay lawyer fees. And I still don't if possible.

P.S. What does negative karma mean? Did I offend someone?


Ignore the karma....and keep asking questions no matter whether you get an answer you like or not.

Many times, the advice is the keep track of patterns of decisions in the past to justify the future.

If you've been paying "more than what's in the order" and now feel a financial pinch, go back to what the order says and pay that and follow the order.

IF you've had a "significant change in circumstances" due to lower wages today, then you have a reason to go back and adjust the child support/financial end of things.

Now...  some of your logic behind the numbers makes a lot of sense, but a JUDGE probably wouldn't hoot when it comes to court.  New spouse logic really doesn't fly.....(but mine did once in a community property state of NV, but in the almost 15 years I've been here, I'm the only one who has had this happen). 

Let me give you an example.....Dad made $10,000 more than I did when we split.  He said (though he has totally forgotten about this and will deny it to the hilt), let's split our debt 50/50, and I'll consider that $10,000 as child support for our son, and you pay $50/month and all airline tickets and my gas to the airport.  There were other factors to giving up custody on my part....and I knew this was a dumb agreement on his part, but said OK.  Years later, the court did not care that I took on 50% of the marital debt when I should have only taken 35%....and our debt was HUGE.   I had two other kids from first marriage to support and consider.  I dug myself out, he dug a deeper hole....and later came after me for more CS....because he couldn't make ends meet and sank.  Like I said Judge didn't care about the logic and Dad completely forgot the logic and we didn't put logic in original order and spell it out.  Yes, I feel like I got screwed down the road.

I see your situation as similar.....

And I hope you kept receipts for everything you did pay.

What I think I would suggest is for you to pull up your states child support calculator too.

YES, Private schools are not normally court ordered initially, but you two have been providing this for the child which has established a pattern.  ... so in one sense, I think she's right.  (I know yikes!)


There's absolutely no order in place right now?????


How old is child?
Money issues usually go by numbers and prob wont care what you did in the past since you did not have an order.
What is the difference in salaries of you/her? My guess is a percentage will be assigned to you and her according to recent paystubs.
Since you do not have anything with the courts now, what you pay now is up to you. She would have to bring you to back to court to make you pay under an order.

Neg Karma- someone didnt like your past comments...we hardly look at it anymore...


Thank you for your reply.

Child has just turned 16. Her salary has become much higher than mine at this moment. There has never been an order or even an informal agreement on the back of an envelope.

I have no problem with 50/50 because it's my child. But I had a problem with 100/0 in the past when the expenses were so high. And I have a problem when it doesn't get made up in the future, particularly when she doesn't have rent expense and also gets help with her portion of tuition. And then I go into serious debt to maintain my 50%? That's totally out of balance.

I'll have to get a legal opinion.


There's absolutely no order in place right now? ??? ?

Right. There is no order in place right now.