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Sex Offender NCP - Looking for Balanced Approach

Started by KND, May 20, 2016, 08:27:01 PM

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Hey all - I was pretty active on here way back when SPARC was FRTC, and I'm happy to see a few of the old gang seems to still be around. Life has been interesting....here's why I'm posting (and SPARC is literally the first place I *knew* to turn because y'all are just damn good people):

My ex is now (as of today) a convicted child sex offender (felonies), two of my kids (his SDs) were among his victims but we still have bios together. It's been a nightmare over the last few months. The investigation also indicated he was grooming another of my DDs (his bio), although they also confirmed she had never been molested.

Background: Legally, we were never married but already had default joint custody by mutual agreement throughout our 12yr relationship. In fact, back when we had our first child together, we preemptively filed a joint custody agreement sharing 50/50 with parenting at the kids' primary residence (meaning we'd take turns leaving). There wasn't a need for it at the time, and I didn't think there ever would be, but I didn't want to take any chances that if we ever went our separate ways, the kids would get caught in the middle.

Despite everything, I still feel that way.

The Goal: I'm looking for a parental access concept that allows them to have a (safe/healthy) relationship with their father. I have to do this pro se - he literally drained the bank on a criminal defense atty while I was in hiding with my kids after the investigation started, so I'm 100% starting from scratch in all areas. I've done pro se petitions before, that part isn't too complicated. He won't be contesting. I don't want to commit to more than would be sensible, but I don't want to over-restrict their access to him either.

Here goes:

#1. I'm considering asking the court for a graduated supervised parenting plan that allows video/phone call access while he's incarcerated (supervised by me), then moves to therapeutic supervised visitation when he's released. After x amount of time it's supervised visitation at a visitation facility. Then after x amount of time it's supervised visitation in the community, and then supervised visitation with a "responsible third party" at his residence, presuming I (or the court) approve the "responsible third party". Unsupervised visits wouldn't be allowed regardless, even if I wanted it (I don't), per state Child Protection laws. I'm willing to consider language that would allow for additional time if I'm able to supervise, but wont lock myself into anything I'm uncomfortable with either.

If anyone has suggested language on this type of scenario, I'd appreciate it.

#2. He's facing prison time and I'm wrestling with whether or not it's reasonable to take the kids to visit him there, or not. He's been incarcerated for a LONG time already so he could get "time served", but I need to have my ducks in a row BEFORE his sentencing either way. The kiddos are 8, 5, and 3. Because of his charges, visiting him *in person* means they won't be allowed ANY physical contact - even attempting a hug or anything will terminate the visit and he will be severely reprimanded. I don't think emotionally they will be able to handle that - they adored him and miss him terribly. He will, however, be able to have video calls in prison, and I'd be able/willing to supervise those. I'm inclined towards that being a reasonable alternative to in-person visits?  I also don't want to be required to take them to visit, but if I can figure out a way for them to be able to visit without it traumatizing them, I'm not 100% against it. Phone/video contact is no problem as far as I'm concerned, but his ability to contact is sporadic and varies wildly, so again, I'm not inclined to lock us into waiting for him to be allowed to call for hours at a time. Thoughts or suggestions with that?

#3. It's also likely I will have to move in a few months, and very likely it will have to be pretty far away - we have no support network here anymore, this was a massive investigation that has made it impossible to stay. My kids need all the community they can get. I need to include language in the court order that I am able to relocate, does anyone have suggestions on what that would look like?

Questions welcome. And I'm so glad to see this site is still going strong <3



Welcome back -- under horrible circumstances..... but welcome none the less.

I have a plate full today....but will get in touch with you later and see if I can draft something....and then you fix it.


Wow...welcome back.

I am traveling today but my first gut reaction to all of that is that you are trying way to hard to look into the future. This is a man that probably will never be allowed unsupervised time until the kids are teens. Maybe focus on you having custody now and "mother will help set up video conferences while father is incarcerated". When father is released, father will have visits at children's therapist as often as he makes appointments but no more than once a week. Afterwards the visits will move to a supervised center as when the therapist states the kids are ready for non-therapeutic visits. "  If you don't have anything now to limit move, then maybe leave that alone as you will be asking for sole custody or state mother will have sole custody and have the ability to move within the state or xx miles for current residence.

Will father be able to follow you to new town? Do you even want that?
It is great that you want your children to have their father in their life in a safe way but you also have to protect them. Ill look back later/tomorrow.
Good luck!


I guess I wish I knew what he would be allowed while incarcerated....do trustees have access to phones, internet, and such?

I think I'd include supervised until age of emancipation and never in his home.  That bugs me.

I think I'd include that YOU get to approve/disapprove of any supervisor he wants to use rather than supervising yourself.

No over nights.

I like lots of skyping since that technology is now available.  What about email?  and Facebook?  and other forms of contact through computers (Instagram, snapchat, and whatever else is new until the youngest is emancipated...)  you'll want to supervise all forms of contact between the kids and father until -- well, my gut says until way after they age out, but legally until they age out.

And yes, clearly ask for sole custody legal and residential.

And yes, ask to move.

And yes, once he gets out, he could follow.  Not sure you can stop that....unless there's legal guidelines of where he can and can't live (like not near a school) and YOU move and live next door to a school.

Wondering if you can make him agree to release all criminal records regarding this situation to you.....you might not legally have access to that now since you're not his wife and the victim.  Later he should have a Parole Officer -- and that Parole Officer should be allowed to talk to you too....(maybe?)

Random thoughts off the top of my head....