A father looking for help

[rwthorne]

I am a father of two children, a girl 11 and son 9. Their mother and I have been divorced since 2002. During the past six years there have been several issues but I have not been able to receive any help and affording a attorney is costly. Their mother remarried not long after we divorced, she was living with her parents after we separated and they still live there now. While we were married she had told me that her father had sexually abused her and physically abuse her brother and her mother covered for him when this was reported.

   Our two children have been staying there part of the time since we divorced. I have joint custody, a 3 to 4 day split with extra days on holiday and so forth.  Over the past few years we have had several issues and some warranted a call to DCS, which I did do. She has allowed our daughter to listen in on phone calls between us while we were arguing, when our daughter was in third grade and was sick, she took her medicine to school for me to pick up since she was coming here that night, instead of leaving it at the office she took it directly to the classroom and gave the bottle to Natalie. When she gave it to me that evening it was not her medicine, it was my ex-wife's mother's arthritis medicine instead.  I spoke to the principal about this, and to the DA as well. The DA stated the school had to press charges but the school would not do so.  She has told them I was trying to take them away from her, that I was making up lies to make her and her husband look bad. Then she tells other people I am telling them I will take her to court and take them away from her.
   My son has reported to me that his step-father has hit him on several occasions, thrown him on two. That he is always yelling at him. Telling him he is stupid. My son has begged me not to make him go over there, not to make him be alone with him.  In December he started staying with me most of the time, only going over there a few times until three weeks ago, he started going one day a week on a day his mother is off work. He states his step-father treats him the worst when his mother is not there.  His teacher has informed me that since December his behavior and work at school is improving greatly. He is getting along better with his classmates and making friends now at school.
   This ended last night, Mary has decided to force him to go over there for the schedule visitation time. She has made claims that I was the one telling him to act out. He left here last tonight crying and begging not to go. She has asked for court hearing to change visitation for more time for her, leaving these children in a environment with her abusive husband and abusive father more if it is granted.
   Over the past year I have reported all this to DCS, I have not received a letter if this was even looked into at all, I know I have never spoken to a local caseworker about this and have not been contacted by one and no one has asked him about the being hit.  There are four adults with abusive past and present, if they are asked if they are abusing a child I do not think they will admit it, and not asking the child himself if he was hit seems a poor way to conduct a investigation.
   I have reached a loss on how to get help with this, I will be there in court and tell what I know and think about this and will beg the court to at least speak to my son, but this may or may not help my two kids, but my ex-wife's husband has three kids as well, two girls living in that house and a boy who lives at a school for the deaf in Knoxville. They do not have the outside support to rely on, they may be scared to talk but if someone would at least speak to my son I am sure he will tell the truth about it.

[gemini3]

You could file for a custody change giving you primary physical custody and asking for supervised visitation.  You're going to need documented evidence that there is abuse taking place, which is really hard to do.

If you have insurance you could get your son in to see a counselor.  If he opens up to the counselor about the abuse the counselor is required by law to report it to CPS.  This way you have a third party, and it's not so much he said - she said.  It also may be good for your son to talk to someone that's not in the middle of all the arguing.

You could also work out a safety plan with your son.  I used to volunteer at a domestic violence shelter, and we would do this with the kids there.  You can't always be there to protect them, but you can teach them what to do to protect themselves.  This inclues leaving the house and going to a neighbor or trusted friend and calling the police.

If you can afford it, get an attorney.  Go to the courthuse and see if they have a legal services program.  Sometimes you can get a low cost attorney if you don't have the financial resources for one.  Most importantly, document everything so you can present a clear and concise arguement to the court.  I don't know what the laws in TN are, but you could also asked for a Guardian ad litem to be assigned to the case.  This person would represent your children.

Good luck!

[poohbear]

Your kids need to talk to their school counselor. In addition, if you don't already have them in therapy, start now. You can do this on your time, and it will do wonders for them regardless of the court outcome. Your kids another ear...someone who will listen and can help them.

DCS doesn't usually take accusations seriously when they come from one parent about another parent. Many parents use the system to get back at the other parent, so DCS just doesn't pay any attention until it's too late.