Causing Drama

[greatdad]

I have sole physical & legal of 4 & 7 yr old. X has once a month visitation ( lives in another state). Order allows for nightly phone calls between 7 & 8 p.m. X has taken to calling closer to 8 then to 7,and then wants to keep kids on for 15 minutes or more.
Keep in mind these are 4 and 7 year olds and our house rules are  after dinner( generally 7 to 7:30, as I work and then cook each night  so we eat as a family(after get them from daycare) after dinner is homework for my 2nd grader, then baths at 8 and in bed by 8:30.
When X is on phone close to 8, for 10 minutes or more already, I ask her to respect the childrens schedule and end the call ( she can call earlier ,and can call nightly so that 1 call is not critical) her response is
" it's not my problem, I am allowed to talk to my children". My issue is not x being allowed to talk, but to respect that the children ( especially at 4 and 7) have schedules and need consistency.I as the only parent raising them have a schedule too, I need time to do dishes,laundry,clean up the house, etc all after the kids get to bed.
All I am asking , is what I think is very reasonable...which is to either call earlier, or to keep the calls short when X knows that homework still needs to be done.
I think she is doing it to make me look like the bad guy in telling the kids that they need to get off the phone.......IE: making them feel I am trying to prevent communication.

X seems to think that because she is allowed  to call each night, that she is also allowed to talk as long as she wants, regardless of what the children may need to do, especially as it approaches bath and bedtime.
I feel that 10 minutes is fair enough ( long as she wants on weekends)......what do you all do about this type of thing?

[lucky]

I know that feeling.  Dh's ex #1 used to call my osd between 10 & 20 times per day - no kidding! for about 2-3 minutes each time - then someone would beep in (gotta get that damn beep!  it might be life or death!).

We ended up getting a court order stating explicitly she could call only 2 times per day, speak for 30 minutes per call (for all 3 kids, not per kid) and all calls had to begin and end between 8 am & 8 pm.  You may need to put that last clause in there as IMO she's abusing her rights.  I read that the call can begin as early as 7 and end no later than 8, but unfortunately, it's open for interpretation and you're probably technically both right.  A rock and a hard spot.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[greatdad]

>I know that feeling.  Dh's ex #1 used to call my osd between
>10 & 20 times per day - no kidding! for about 2-3 minutes each
>time - then someone would beep in (gotta get that damn beep!
>it might be life or death!).
>
>We ended up getting a court order stating explicitly she could
>call only 2 times per day, speak for 30 minutes per call (for
>all 3 kids, not per kid) and all calls had to begin and end
>between 8 am & 8 pm.  You may need to put that last clause in
>there as IMO she's abusing her rights.  I read that the call
>can begin as early as 7 and end no later than 8, but
>unfortunately, it's open for interpretation and you're
>probably technically both right.  A rock and a hard spot.

No....order says she shall call between 7 pm and 8 pm, not that the call can or will last for any time period.
>
>[em]Lucky
>
>Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family
>parrot to the town gossip.
>- Will Rogers[em]

[Crockpot]

My SD's BM used to call every night while we were putting the girls to bed (she found out the bed time at our house and called 10 minutes before).  DH turned off his phone and she finally stopped calling.

Since you don't really have that option, it sounds like you're just going to have to put your foot down with her.  Next time she calls let her know the call has to end at 8pm and if she wants more time with the kids to call earlier.  Then, at 8pm politely tell you child to wrap it up.  Maybe have the conversation with her about calling earlier in front of the kids so they see you're not trying to take away their time with mom?

You have the control in this situation.    

Take care.

[lucky]

[em]No....order says she shall call between 7 pm and 8 pm, not that the call can or will last for any time period.[/em]

That was my point.  I interpret that as the call can begin as early as 7 pm and must end by 8 pm.  Your ex appears to be "interpreting" it to be that she can talk as long as she want so long as the call is begun between 7 pm and 8 pm.

IMO you need more explicit clarification from the court unfortunately.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[greatdad]

>[em]No....order says she shall call between 7 pm and 8 pm,
>not that the call can or will last for any time period.[/em]
>
>That was my point.  I interpret that as the call can begin as
>early as 7 pm and must end by 8 pm.  Your ex appears to be
>"interpreting" it to be that she can talk as long as she want
>so long as the call is begun between 7 pm and 8 pm.
>
>IMO you need more explicit clarification from the court
>unfortunately.
>
 I know you mean well, but  getting anything from the court such as this, especially after the final decree is not only difficult, it is expensive.
The court wants cooperation between parents and as the custodial parent, I will make the rule which as long as it makes sense and is reasonable will give her no grounds for a motion.
I told her tonight that I wanted her "support" on honoring the childrens schedule and allowing homework to be done, that I would let the children call back afterward. Her response was " I dont want to talk to you", so I simply said it did not matter if she wanted to talk or not, that if she would not let the children off the phone when they tell her there is homework yet to do, that I would politely end the call.  Then I let the children talk, which by the way a 4 and 7 year old really aren't to keen on long conversations especially when they speak daily.
It's hard enough to get them to talk when your right in front of them  LOL



>[em]Lucky
>
>Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family
>parrot to the town gossip.
>- Will Rogers[em]

[lucky]

You know....

I've been doing this for ~20 years.  Of course I mean well - I wouldn't be here otherwise.  Do I know the court wants cooperation?  Of course!!!  3 ex's between us - along with all the angst and drama caused by ex's willing to use ALL the kids to hurt dh and I (even the son that we have together).

I NEVER ONCE said that getting clarification would be easy or cheap.  I NEVER ONCE said that you shouldn't try to set boundaries yourself - although it will never work with your ex as I suspect you already know, whether you're right or not - BTDT MANY, MANY times.

Also, she can file anytime for anything - whether she has grounds for it or not.  She can make crap up - BTDT as well.  And you will have to defend the bogus claims - and pay for it.  I don't care how right you are, she can file a motion or contempt whenever she wants if she decides to.

Lastly, I offered my opinion.  If you choose not to take it, that's your choice - I don't need any justification from you as to your choice - and I feel as if you were trying to convince me you were making the right choice - even though it differed from my opinion.  As long as you are comfortable and happy with it, go for it - ultimately, it's your life - who cares what I think?

 [em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[greatdad]

>You know....
>
>I've been doing this for ~20 years.  Of course I mean well - I
>wouldn't be here otherwise.  Do I know the court wants
>cooperation?  Of course!!!  3 ex's between us - along with all
>the angst and drama caused by ex's willing to use ALL the kids
>to hurt dh and I (even the son that we have together).
>
>I NEVER ONCE said that getting clarification would be easy or
>cheap.  I NEVER ONCE said that you shouldn't try to set
>boundaries yourself -

Not only did you not say it, I did not say that you said it ?

 although it will never work with your ex
>as I suspect you already know, whether you're right or not -
>BTDT MANY, MANY times.
>
>Also, she can file anytime for anything - whether she has
>grounds for it or not.  She can make crap up - BTDT as well.
>And you will have to defend the bogus claims - and pay for it.

Your stating the obvious again. You are incorrect in saying I will have to pay for  it, as i already made it clear I am pro se, it is more likely that if the frivoulous motions X makes do get before a Judge that she will be the one paying.

> I don't care how right you are, she can
>file a motion or contempt whenever she wants if she decides
>to.

Again re stating the obvious, but filing for a motion and actually getting it calendered after I file a counter motion is an entirely different matter...again it costs her $250 an hour....not me.

>
>Lastly, I offered my opinion.  If you choose not to take it,
>that's your choice -

An opinion is not something to be "taken" merely heard. I heard your opinion.

 I don't need any justification from you
>as to your choice - and I feel as if you were trying to
>convince me you were making the right choice - even though it
>differed from my opinion.  

You are a total stranger, what makes you have a sense of self importance that I would want or need to justify anything to you? I was making a statement  regarding a decision I made that  was  (in context )a continuation of the earlier thread.

As long as you are comfortable and
>happy with it, go for it - ultimately, it's your life - who
>cares what I think?

Well said..........no need for you to "justify" whether or not I need care about what you think.



>
> [em]Lucky
>
>Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family
>parrot to the town gossip.
>- Will Rogers[em]

[lucky]

I responded based on my understanding of what you posted. (not different threads, just this one).

Sorry also about the mistake in wording, you are correct  - opinions aren't to be taken, I won't make that mistake again - had I given you advice it would have been a different story.  In my opinion a matter of semantics or a "you knew what I meant" thing, but so be it.

If validation is what you're looking for (maybe not, but appearances....) well, sorry I can't provide that for you.

In any case, I won't bother you again.  Have a gread life.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[pinktulip]

I understand the issues this can cause, as I am a single parent to a 6 and 10 year old and our weeknight evenings are jammed packed with dinner, baths, and homework.

However, as I read your post.... I think she's doing this because she has lost control of *everything* else in regards to the children she gave birth to.  

But also, I think 10 minutes is fair.