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Jun 15, 2024, 01:57:21 PM

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ex changed her mind after summer plans were made?

Started by itsalluphillfromhere, May 31, 2017, 10:56:33 AM

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I kinda agree with this.

As the kids get older, their needs change, and the parents need to be more flexible.

SO....you two were trying to co-parent and cooperate....and in good faith, you came to a mutual agreement to change the terms of parenting time this one time.

Courts like parents who cooperate.....

And that's why I think you have a leg to stand on no matter what.

When the whole situation becomes filled with tension -- and one parent becomes a PITA - like a custodial parent who interferes, denies time, plays the mind games, then that's a different story.  But again, now you know.  And next time she asks to switch time, make sure the kids get their time with their dad first....

Be cooperative, but protective at the same time.


I ended up taking Ocean's advice.  I told my kids that I had to cancel the vacation unless mom kept her promise and was sure to explain to them that mom must have other plans that conflicted and it was unfortunate.   This was last Thursday when I had them.  Kids have big ears and figure it out pretty quickly.  My older two responded that she did not have plans and that she was mad at me and overheard her telling her friends what an asshole I am.  I can confirm that taking the high road on this stuff is the right way to go because my 11 years old then said "Dad how come you never say anything bad about mom, she says bad stuff about you all the time"

Thursday evening I get an email from my ex telling me what a horrible person I am because I manipulated the kids and told them that she canceled the vacation and that she never said she was going to.  I then saw the boys at sports practice a little later and they explained that they made a stink about it.  Needless to say, they were very happy that they were still able to go.

Mixed bag - I agree that as the kids get older their needs change that said the boys still want to spend time with their dad.   Last year my oldest came to me and told me that my ex yells at him and sends him to his room if he asks for more time with me.  I told him not to ask anymore and that it was an adult issue, unfortunately,  now my ex. makes a point of telling me every chance she gets that the kids don't ask for more time because they want to spend time with friends.  And the only one that wants more time is me and it's selfish.   So when I saw them this weekend I told them I would like to spend more time with them and was sure to state clearly that If they did not want to spend more time it was fine and emphasized that what was most important was for them to be happy.  The two older ones came out and said they are going to ask for more time because they really want it and they don't care if they get yelled at.  Low and behold when I spoke with them last night they said they got yelled at for asking.    Any thoughts on how to deal with this problem?


Good, that is done.
Like the others say, ask for switches only when you get the time first.
As for extra, add on after kids are there, have kids call mom in summer and ask to stay an extra night. See what happens. I would not get them in the middle of that one though. Tell kids , you can ask mom if you can stay later or extra night once with you. Also say that when they reach 13-15 years old if they still want more time, that you can go back and ask a judge for more time. You can file yourself in family court for  a modification of visitation. It is easier to get when kids are older. If you can get them to/from school would help. Extend weekends to bring them to school on Monday. Look at school calendar and see if you are splitting all school holidays (so many extra holidays and days off in public schools). Go to their schools and see if you can volunteer for the PTA for book fairs, field day, assemblies. etc. You are allowed at all school events and then can text kids and say "hey do you want to go to dinner after your soccer game? Ask mom and I will take all of you and drop you off". If you go to court she will play hard ball with kids and promise them the moon if they say they want to stay the same schedule so see what happens in the next year or two.

Ignore all ex negative comments, if she doesn't ask for anything then no response is needed and we have learned that no is an acceptable answer. Do everything by text or email with her so you have proof for court and for your own kids/records.

I would be tempted to answer her with proof when you have it but some take the high road. LOL
"Ex. thank you for letting the kids come on vacation as we discussed back in XX, as you know you did text/email me that the kids were no longer allowed to come and I relayed the message to them. Glad you had a change of heart as the kids need both their parents/families in their lives" ha ha ok...take the high road.....


Thanks the update!!  Hope things keep going in the right direction -- and that your kids are seeing the truth.  THAT's always a really good sign that you have  great relationship with them.

I would hear words like that too....


And so the saga continues:

Leading up to the below text between myself and my 12 year old are several e-mails between my Ex. and I.  I discussed the first one on child support forum. http://deltabravo.net/forum/index.php?topic=43576.0  As a follow up to her desire to have me overpay for camp she then e-mailed me and wanted me to take the kids every weekday in the summer and give her weekends so they would not have to go to camp at all.  I explained that I was happy to take them but not willing to give up my weekends.  She told me my priorities were screwed up and that she would not make that agreement.    She then tried to tell me that because I would not agree that she assumed I did not want them at all.  Obviously, I explained how assumptions work. 

Well on to this weekend.  I took earlier advice and had my 7 year old ask her if they could stay this weekend until Monday morning.  She told him no then decided to text my 12 year old and tell him it was okay for them to stay.

on to today at 3:30pm and the following text string between my 12 you old son (S) and I (M)

(S) Call me asap
I call him and he explains that the weeks his brothers are going to day camp mom wants him to stay with me.  I ask him for clarification since his brothers are going to day camp for 3 weeks.    He hangs up and the following text string ensues.
(S) She wants me to stay for every week In the summer
(M) Stay with me?
(S)If I want to
(S) I guess it's flexible
(M) What do your brothers think about that
(S) Doesn't apply to them
(M) And you won't see them?  What do you think about that?
(S) Ehh
(S)I can switch between houses
(M)So it's not all or nothing?  I think that's what she means No
(S) I'm aloud to switch between houses
(M)Also I have work travel planned on some of the weeks I'm not with you
(S)Well the schedule is flexible
(M) I think it's best to have mom email me to work it out so there is no confusion
You know it's been a little challenging for her and I to come to an agreement I would love to have you and brothers here more but I can't change plans every couple of days
(S) Ok
(M) Plus it's not good for you to have to be the middle man
(S) Ok
(M)I am very excited about the possibility
(S)She won't email
(M)That's unfortunate and may make planning things difficult and even impossible
(S) Ok
(M)Yes for sure love you and we will work it out

All that keeps running through my head is WT@ - she is going off the deep end - my 12 year old is more mature than his mother

Any suggestions?


XX has text me about having him stay with me while xx is at camp and I told him I would love to take them more but that you should email me the dates. The kids should be able to have some time with each other too this summer. Please email the exact dates  you were thinking so I can see if I can adjust my schedule here.


two challenges with that.
1.  I can't reference that I had a text exchange with my son.  She will go off the deep end,  get very upset with him and give him the cold shoulder for at a minimum 2 months.
2.  She told him she refuses to e-mail me.

in one of the last exchanges, she said she was not going to send them to camp.  I'm still waiting on an e-mail back from her confirming that she is sending them to camp so I can pay my share.  sent that one to her this morning and have still not received a response.  So I don't feel like piling on anything more at the moment.


She sounds manipulative and like a real winner -- chicken dinner! -- you really do have a handle on this whether you realize it or not.

I think your responses to your son show this....

Have some faith in your gut responses which are focused on the children and what's right for everyone.


She may not answer your emails but she is reading and sending you bills. If she does not respond to you, then play a little hard ball. Don't answer about bills....Also , call those camps and see if she pulled them for a refund!
Sounds like she responds to what the kids want, so you got the vacation straightened out, so on to the next "battle". Pick those battles. Keep asking for and extra day here and there through kids once with you. If she wants you to watch kids more during summer, she will contact you. For now, stick with the court schedule and ignore the rest.


Thanks for the great advice - one day at a time!