here come the lies

[Kitty C.]

When DS made the decision to go to school in WY, friends asked me if I was nervous about DS going so far away for so long.  I told them the distance and time (9-12 months) doesn't bother me at all.  I've sent him farther and for longer periods of time.  BUT........all those times I sent him away, someone was taking care of him, being responsible for him, whether it was his dad or the counselors at the wilderness therapy program, JDC, or residential treatment.

I learned very early on that worrying about him just because he was  gone didn't do either of us any good.  In fact, it really affected me physically.  But once I got past that, it was much easier to deal with.  Then I just missed him and we have had some great 'mini-reunions' that brought many smiles from the flight attendants who escorted him!

Now, he's on his own!  Now Mama is dealing with the stress, no doubt about it!  :-)   I guess I've seen him go away so many times, it would seem weird to have him around 24/7, 365.  But if he gets married and gives me grandbabies, I just might insist on that, LOL!

[Kitty C.]

The slamming is totally uncalled for, regardless of what you 'think' of your child's father.  I dealt with physical abuse, too, to the point that he almost snapped my neck with his own two hands.  He slapped me across the face right in front of DS while I was changing him...and it was DS's birthday, he was drunk and pi**ed off that I didn't come home when he 'thought' I should have.  After he took DS and split, and the emotional trauma he put DS through because of it, every time DS screamed when I'd leave, I wanted to kill the guy if he had been standing in front of me.

Didn't change the fact that he was still a good father, we just couldn't live together.  Didn't change the fact that he had the right to exercise his rights as a father.  Didn't make any difference WHAT I thought of him.  DS loved his dad and I would NOT project my hatred (at that time) of him on DS.  DS had it hard enough without me screwing with his mind even more.  

Be VERY careful if you land back in court regarding his parenting time.  If you dig in your heels and project your feelings against your ex in court, you will lose.  When you go to court, it is ALL about the child and NOTHING to do with the relationship between you and your ex.  That's over....now you have to co-parent, whether you like it or not.  LD visitation by air is the norm these days.......judges order it very often in these cases.  And if you're not willing to compromise and work with the father, the judge could very well order custody to the parent they feel will look out for your daughter's best interest, be VERY careful.

But as long as you continue to slam your ex, those emotions will be projected on your daughter, and she will suffer for it because of you.  If you have to, get help to get a handle on it...that would benefit both you and your daughter.  Of course she probably wanted to nurse...she was traumatized by the changes and that was one thing that comforted her.  No different than any other child reverting back to infant behavior after going through something like that.  DS did the same thing.  Some toddlers do the same thing during just a family move.  It's all in how they deal with the change and what comforts them to get through it.

I've been on this site almost since inception (about 10 years) and have seen cases like yours all too often.  But you're losing a LOT of respect here by the immature comments and slamming you're doing.  If all you want to do is b*tch about the father, take it to some single mom's website where they do that all the time.  If you want help, are willing to be open to listen, and handle yourself in a mature manner, we're all ears and willing to help out.

But if it's the former, I will not respond again..........

[canaandog13]

I think you are a bigger person then I am.

Our daughter would be on a plane today if I thought she was ready, but as I have stated she is not. I do not "hate" my Ex, if anything I feel sorry for him.
AS for losing in court because of my feelings...like I said earlier, whike my ex was spending the food money on his little trips I was up until 2 am studying the custody laws. I have things figured out in that regard.

After my ex spends the child support payments on his trip to Europe I'll will let you know how things worked out.

[knoot7]

"Our daughter would be on a plane today if I thought she was ready, but as I have stated she is not."

I think that all kids given the chance will thrive in any situation BUT they have to be given the chance. Kids are VERY versitile and will adjust to any situation. Of course it always takes time, but the time will have to given 100% hole heartedly without reservations. The opportunity would have to be presented. If the opportunity is not presented one will never know the true outcome of the situation. Children can not thrive if there is strife and concern spewing through emotions and words. Be it you may not say something to her...however actions speak louder than words. Kids pick up on feelings and emotions even if one feels they are in complete check.

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did' . Be it the something wasn't never had by your daughter...she DID have a father. So the father was done with you ...not your daughters fault or even Fathers fault or yoru fault, so he found soemthing new. Obviously this is what was meant to happened...but you shouldn't fault your ex for wanting to be happy...it was the way it was meant to be. A chilold can not be happy completely if either one of their parents aren't happy.  You do not know what one is capable of unless you try. As I watch my DS ride a bike...was he "old enough" or ready for that?...well he is only 2.5 years old...I don't think he is ready for that but I wll not prevent him from trying.

There will always be a transition but if it is encouraged and brought to her as an opportunity for her to know daddy...then it can go off just fine. If it is brought as "I have to leave you my poor baby" or the same idea "I can't let you go 2000 miles away", "You can't be away from me for more than a week as you never have before"..then the child will not want to go. The transition will not take long. Even leaving a chlid at day care...if mom feels awful about it...baby will. If mom is confident and says you will have fun try it out, etc...baby will be more accepting of trying it out and doing something new. Baby may cry but once mom is gone ...baby will be completely fine!

Children will feed off of their parents fears/emotions. Do you think all kids hate going to the doctor...no it is the way it is presented and the fears of the parents they are getting their feelings from. Mom scared of needles...baby will be scared of needles. Mom presents it as a good for you and a good thing...the child will take it that way. If mom gets upset over the shots and what is happening...baby will do the same. Mom gets upset over thunderstorms...baby will do the same. If mom says cool look at the sky, look at the lightening...then baby will enjoy them instead of being scared. Get the idea?

EVERY CHILD is ready to have a father, no matter what is required to have that father in their lives. EVERY child NEEDS a father and if it is the mother "in charge" then it is the mothers obligation to do what is best for that child...which is to have a father!!! EVERY CHILD NEEDS BOTH PARENTS! and this should be accomplished in any way possible. EVEN if "she isn't ready". Sounds to me like you are not ready.

Me - I am not ready to leave my son without my husband or myself around over nights or at a weekend at a friends house...but I will stilll be doing just this to ensure my sons growth is encouraged and he is presented with the opprotunities to grow, learn and experience life. I personally am not ready to do that, but doens't mean I will stump my sons growth by remaining at arms length "until he is ready". He is ready when I am...actually he is ready now and I have to get over my own reservations and be the adult to ensure my son is healthy.  

[canaandog13]

Just wanted to say thank-you. I am afraid you might be right. Now it is my time to face my fears.

Plus...I really would like to get away with a BF for a week or so! LOL

Trish

[Giggles]

That is unless Dad comes and picks up lil one then takes her back.  Children cannot fly unattended until they are at least 5 y/o.

I know you're afraid of your lil one being away from you.  I know you're afraid of her liking the "other woman" or just the fact that you're angry that all this happened.  Trust me...I fully understand!

Much like Kitty, I've been on these boards since 97', I've seen many come and go.  I've also been where you are now!

When my DS was 10 months old, his father decided he didn't want to be with me anymore, packed up and took off while I was at a b-day party for my Mother.  I didn't care about the stuff, what I cared about was my Son that he took with him!

Thankfully, I was able to file for emergency custody, and got my son back...but that lead to a nasty custody fight.  When all was said and done it worked out that I got primary and he got a pretty good visitation schedule.  The problem was that he is living in MI and DS and I are in MD.  For the first 4 years, X would fly down, pick up DS and take him back to MI.  When DS turned 6, he started flying on his own.  Letting DS go that first time was hell due to his father taking off with him in the first place.  But now, I almost badger DS Father as to when he's going to send the airline tickets...hehehehe

Kids only know what we teach them.  I taught DS from an early age that going on the plane to visit Daddy was FUN....it was and still is for DS!!

Do I like my X...NOPE...can't stand him, but my Son will NEVER know that!!!

[canaandog13]

I emailed my ex and said, alright, send me your plan as for care, and flight arrangements dates, and I will arrange to  it get a court order to make sure that you return DD at the date we both agree on. I would never let him take DD without a court order in place as I do not trust him and the order is just to safe guard.

That was over a month ago and he has still not made arrangements to have DD come and visit with him. Too bad because I actually was looking forward to taking a little vacation with a boyfriend of mine.

Kitty I will let you know if he ever follows through with his plan. Somehow I doubt it. He is off to the belly dancing capital of the World next month so he may exhaust all his funds on the teenager (oh come now, a little sarcasm!). :-)

[Davy]

... nm