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Domestic situation...

Started by gma29, Nov 06, 2017, 06:06:55 PM

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Background:  Two granddaughters (7 yo and 4 yo), my step-daughter is mom.  Mom & dad were together for 6 years, during which dad was abusive to mom.  Two years ago (Oct 2015), dad moved new gf in and kicked mom and girls out.  March 2016, dad called mom to come discuss their relationship (2am Sunday morning) and he beat her so badly in his apartment stairwell that she had a concussion and still suffers the after effects of the head injuries via sinus issues, etc. and flashbacks every once in a while (all that she is willing to admit).  He was convicted of felony domestic assault and is on probation for 4 more years.  Judge wanted OFP on girls and mom, but mom said let the girls see him unsupervised. 

Mom and new gf did child exchanges e/o weekend and every Wed eve, plus standard rotating holidays.  If gf was not home, dad would cancel the time or send them home early.  Dad and gf now have a 1 yo daughter. 

Current situation:  Dad and gf just broke up.  A week ago yesterday on his Sunday, gf and dad got in a fight and gf locked herself in the bathroom to get away from him.  He tore the door apart with his bare hands to get to her.  He told the girls that gf did not love them and that their dd was not the girls' sister and they would never see either gf or their dd again.  He was also pushing older granddaughter around.  Younger granddaughter was in the corner crying because gf didn't love her and why not because granddaughter loved gf.  Then dad told girls not to ever tell what happened or they wouldn't get to see him ever again.

Four days later, we get all these details.  The girls told a very little bit, but gf called us and told us she was going to police to file reports and court to get OFP because she is afraid of dad - he abused her throughout relationship too and was force to lie to the police about what had happened to my step-daughter.

No court order for custody or parenting time is in place.  My step-daughter just put a schedule together and has stuck to it.  Now she is scared that dad may hurt the girls if he gets mad enough and the girls are noticeably emotionally upset and are seriously acting out since that weekend.  I don't think that the girls are safe with him anymore - and I was always the one advocating for him to have unsupervised time.  Plus we just found out that HIS mom's bf beat her up recently too and there is an OFP and a pending felony domestic (2nd one) there too and she & her bf are violating the OFP.

Advice?  What does my step-daughter do now?  We have no doubts that what the gf and the girls said is true - it is his method of operation, but she doesn't know how to handle parenting time now and I don't know how to advise her either.  Help!
Julie J.


Mom should go with GF after she goes to police and each file an emergency protective order for the kids (and themselves?). The police may do it for the GF since he hurt her but your SD can file since kids were there at that incident. Do it as an emergency order so she gets it immediately and he is served that day. Since there is no custody order, she does not have to send children. Have the school on look out that he does not pick them up from school. Maybe put the kids in counseling to deal with this and set up a plan for the kids to see each other so they do not think what dad said was true. What state are you in? If your SD can not afford a lawyer she can see legal aid in family court to help her.


Thanks, ocean.  We live in MN.  Oldest granddaughter is already in counseling due to all the stuff that happened between mom & dad.  Also, mom & gf have already discussed how to ensure that the sisters have time together.  Due to the existing ofp for mom, dad isn't on the emergency contact lists at the schools so they won't let him (or his family) take them - and the youngest granddaughter's preschool saw what mom looked like two days after that assault and talked to her so also know what happened and the severity.  I will recommend mom go get that order as well for the girls.  I didn't even think of that.
Julie J.


I agree with everything Ocean said except one thing.  "Maybe put the kids in counseling . . ."   No maybe about it.  Get the younger one in counseling with the oldest or in separate counseling but definitely get them in.  His words can mess with their heads for a long time to come and they need coping skills immediately.
The wonderful thing about tiggers is I'm the only one!


Agreed, Tigger.  Mom is checking with the clinic my older granddaughter goes to for an opening for someone who works with kids her age.

Julie J.