PPO, no divorce yet, mother keeping child from me.

[Lexin]

Hello.  im new to the boards so if I'm in the wrong place let me know.   A little history first.  Wife of 3 years, relationship of 10, 19month old son.  My wife and I split up because of evidence of her cheatin on me.  I tried for 2 months and couldnt let it go.  Jelocey and a socalled friend that was trying to get with my wife and did anything to split us up.  3 days after I left i came crawling back because I heard that it could have been him.  My wife wouldnt have anything to do with me but one last screw.  That night she met someone.  Aaron.  I took the split up and the fact that after all this time she acted like she had no feelings for me anymore very hard.  I did some stupid things but never once have I put her in physical harm nor threatened it.  To make a long breakup shorter I ended up seeing a shrink.  I still to this day see her.  My wife and I have been split up for 6 months.  out of those 6 months my wife was pregnant 3 times 2 times by him and once by me. or so she said.  She tried placeing him in jail for a crack habbit but he ended up getting drug rehab.  one of his friends told me 8th time.  she told me it was his second.  He is in jail now again for it.  he has been there for 2 months and gets out around the first.  my wife and I tried to give it another try so i  broke up with the girlfriend and tried to make things work with her.  as soon as jen was out of the picture E told me "The only reason I wanted to give this a try was because I wanted to make your life as miserable as you have made mine!  by takeing jen away from you I knew i could do that"  Now she has taken what means alot more to me than any woman ever could.  My son.  for the past 6 months we have only agreed on 2 things.  debt goes 50% and child custody goes 50%.  I work for a major power plant as a power plant operator.  I work swing shift 12 hours a day, 7 days, 7 nights in a 28 day round.  so we have it aranged that I pick him up after i get off of work and drop him off before I goto work.  Now E has went and got a restraining order (ppo) She lives with her mom which wont answer the phone, answer the door when i send a friend up to the door to grab travis while I wait on the other side of the road, or even call me.   I havent heard from or about my son sence 2 days after thanksgiving.  With christmas around the corner I have a lot of christmas presents for him which i feel that I cant see him for.  We agreed before thanksgiving that she could have him on christmas but my mom is throwing a christmas party on the following saterday and I have the day off so I wanted travis for that.  With out beeing able toget ahold of them, going over there or calling to check up on him its tearing me appart.  When ever i get him he has a diaper rash.  I never took him to the hospital to get it documented because I always felt there was a slim chance for us to get back together.  when I told her that thats what im doing from now on thats when my ability to see travis stopped.  I told her any more bruses (i dont think its from abuse) Ill have it all documented.  in 6 months she went from 135lb to 103, has the sniffles alot when I pick up or drop off travis,  her boyfriend that is in jail now when he wasnt he would go back to the other room anytime I made eye contact with him.  I have never seen him without a 40oz in his hand or witout glossy red eyes.  sometimes he has the sniffles but my best friend which lived across from her before she lost the trailor i gave her in the split up said he sits on the portch and smokes bowls.  
Well bottom line is I want  to see my son.  I want to know he is allright.  a layer costs too much at this moment becuase Im trying to get myslef on my feen now.  in the budget i have planned out it will be middle of febuary before the layer is paid up on his retainer fee.  that allows me to be in a 3 bedroom place by myself with all utilitys going, food inthe fridge, and essentials for liveing.  Mind you i gave her everything in the split up but my radio, ps2, truck, and cloths.  she got the trailor which she sold everything in and tore the place up beyond beleaf of any 22 year old, 99 cavileeer which she totaled, she sold the refrigerator that I bought 2 weeks before I left herbecause i didnt want her to have a renta center frige, dishwasher which I paid $450 the spring before she sold to be able to go out, washer dryer, tv,dvds  about 75 of them because her dvd player broke.   she is going though MCOP to get into a house.  yet her working at kmarts earns her 288 every other week.  he gets disability at $590 (i was told by her) a month.  how can they keep a place, pay the bills, buy food, let alone raise a child if she doesnt get custody and rob me for close to $700 a month in child support (i made $62k this year.  I have been liveing with my cuzen which has 5 cats so the place is an utter embarisment.  but I have promised to stay at least untill middle of january to help them financually.  but now its time to think about me and my son not everyone around me.   How can I get to see my son.  I talked to a layer and if I paid him today he said that it could be 2 months before I see him.  Christmas is 10 days away!!!  13 for the saterday afer I think.  Please help!!!

Thanks
   Greg

[gipsy]

Greg, your child is very young yet, and I know Christmas is very important to parents no matter what the age of their children. But I can't help but ask, after reading your story, whether it wouldn't be more important to concentrate on the safety of your child. IF what you say is true, the child's basic needs are not being met because of possible drug abuse by the mother. Also, have you conducted a back ground check on the boyfriend, or is there any way you can pull his criminal record, and mom's too? This would be good information to have when you make a call to Child Protective Services.

While it may be painful for you to have to go through such services, meaning that your child MAY have to be removed from his mother's household and placed in temporary foster care, at least you will then know that he/she is safe and being cared for. I don't advocate such services unless absolutely necessary. Your case sounds like it could be severe enough to merit a visit from CPS to mom's house.

And a word to the wise, whatever stupid thing you've done in the past, don't do any more in the future--NO MATTER WHAT! It will be used against you in every way possible to paint the picture that you are a bad dad. Document everything! This is not to use against mom, which the courts don't like, but to refresh your memory. Also, have someone with you ANY TIME you have contact with mom or her family members--just to keep you out of trouble. Be careful about violating the PPO. You want to come out of this with a butt so clean the judge could eat off from it.

If I were you, I would also limit my activities with women/girlfriends. Believe me, if you are headed for a custody battle, you will need to be able to concentrate on that without complications. I'm not saying don't go out and have fun. But I am saying to be wise about adding any other stress to an already stressed out situation. Perhaps now would be a good time to pick up a hobby.

Another suggestion I make for you to think about is to not give her any more money other than court-ordered child support. You will not get any credit at all for funds that have not been channeled through your local child support office. And seeing as how mom is apparently spending the money on herself and her boyfriend instead of the child, what's the point?

Good luck.
The wicked stepmother.

[Lexin]

Thanks for the advice.  Yes I have been giveing her money.  I was told that giveing her money and her wrighting receipts would help me out a bit.  For about 2 months I went out and purchased what was needed then some and drove it over there.   That way i had receipts of what i purchased for him and gave to her.  Untill her mom came out and told me that there is no proof that that stuff made it over there that the best way to do it is to give her money and have her do the receipt.   I then started to give her $140 a paycheck (2 weeks) unless she said she needed more a couple times I have given her $200.  not once have I seen what she bough for him.  

I beleave she has a drug problem but sence she has been staying with her mom she keeps it well hidden.  Her mom does alot of babysitting while she goes out with other guys while her boyffriend is in jail.  She told me that they are just friends of aarons.  While we gave it that 5 day try around thanksgiveing she told me that when she goes to the bars with aaron they take no money yet their friends buy them drinks.  in a sentance later she told me "aaron passes the rock and I collect the money from opposite sides of the bar.  we dont even sit together."  So I know that they goto pirates landing in monroe and sell rock.  Im not into those kinds of drugs they are way too harsh for me.   I haven't taken a hit off of a joint in a little over a month.  When I didnt have travis thats how I dealt with things.  Thats one of the stupid things I have done.   Sence im concentrateing more on getting my son I have put an end to that.  I have a hobby now.  more like an exscape.  I use to play everquest alot.  its an online game.  I sorta got back into it a few months back but barely played it.   In the past 3 days i played it more than the past 3 months.   I see what your saying about try not to hook up with someone else yet.  I have one girl thats a friend and another that just wants to date.  The one that just wants to date i've bassically put and end to that because she is a EXPENSIVE date.  the friend wants to be boyfriend girlfriend but I told her no that I cant do that right now because if she was to need money i would feel obligated to give her some.  With all the crap in her life she always needs money.  Id also be supporting one person when i move into a place where if we hooked up I would bassically be supporting 2.  When Im with someone they work for entertainment and i work to pay the bills, grocerys, gas,smokes and so forth.
E was a decent mother.  Granted i had the neibors tell me a few things that kinda struk the heart.  Which they will be witnesses in court when this whole thing goes to trial.  

ohhh I have a question.  in michigan what is the law about how many people in a room in a house.  Like say a 3 bedroom house, E sleeps on the coutch,  around 5yo boy, 6yo girl, and my son in one room, J (E's older sister) and baby boy in another, mother and part time 10yo son in the last room.  There are times that she puts travis to sleep in the laundry room at the back of the house in a playpen.  He dont have a bed there where at my house there is 5 of us.  My cuz her boyfriend in the main, L and her boyfirend in one room, and me and travis in another with both of our twin beds on eather side of the room.  his is on the floor in case he falls off but I have the rest of the bed in the closet.  

She doesnt teach him she just plays with him.  for instance while we was in the hotell room together (no outside influence supposivly)  I put 3 crackers on the desk pointing at each one I said "Travis 1, 2, 3  I want you to take 1 at a time" holding 1 finger up in front of him.  While i was doing that she said "He is too young to understand that"  Well travis grabbed one and walked away eating it then came back grabbed another and ate it then came back grabbed the last one and ate it.  When I get done changeing him I give him the diaper after its all wrapped up and say "Put it in the trash little man"  if he doesnt know where the trash is all i have to do is point to it and hell put it in.  I worked with him for almost a week on that one.  When i did it the first time elizabeth yelled the same thing "He cant do that he is too young"  When I use the bathroom I dont mind travis watching.  he has seperation anxiety from all of this.  even shutting the bathroom door he will screem and hollar untill i come out.  Its worse with E.  so i leave the door open.  He has a habbit now of trying to pull his pants down some like daddy when he wears his pj bottoms or sweats.  and pushes his hips forward like he is usein the bathroom also.  so I knowthat its time to start pottyu training him.  I mentioned it to elizabeth and she said that it will be about another year before we can accomplish that.  I went and got him a potty chair for christmas that plays music when you lift the lid and even has a simulated flusher on it.  makes noise when he flushes it.  he has all his learning toys at my house.  Like the drums that count 1 - 10 and has the alphabet, a stand up table looking toy with different learning pads you can put down and many other things.   All she has for him there are her little brothers toys and a few stuffed animals like bare in the big blue house or his favorite stanley which i let him take home so he has something familiar at both houses.   When I dropped him off for the first 3 months she would always keep the cloths i dropped him off in leaving me picking him up in his welfare cloths.   Now I get him with what he is wearing while he is at my house i wash them and put the cloths I got him on him.  We dont even give each other the diaper bag.  I have my own and she has her own.  I started that because I'm tired of her takeing advantage of me.  when I have him i dress nicely and want my son to also.  When she has him she would much rather dress him in thrift store cloths or hand me downs.  Id let her have the outfits but she wont even wash them before giveing them back.  thats if she even gave them back.    I think I will have a strong case in this custody battle its just i have to prep my lifestyle to be more presentable in court.  When i have travis its like nothing could ever take me away from my son. we play together and have a ball.  he laughs or smiles about 80% of his wakeing time with me.  I am also firm on disciplin but once I scold him i dont hold a grudge.  we start playing again right after.   When im doing soemthing else like watching tv or playing on the computer I have him in my perifial vision all the time.   That way when he looks at me I look at him.  That way he doesnt go and do something bad to get attention.  when he throws a temper tantrum because he cant have something I say "you know daddy doesn't like it when you do this."  then i ignore him for about 3-5 minutes before he gets up and does something else.  he only cries or more like wines for about a minute then he will sit and stare at me realizing im ignoring him.  When we spent that 5 days in the hotell room travis would literaly thro himslef on the ground banging his head and feet on the ground faceing up. or croutch on his knees balling into the ground.  He is a completly differnt child when he is with her than with me.   He knows he isnt always going to get what he wants with me but if he does it with her she will give him something to take his mind off of it.  

Thinking about the worse case synerial.   How can I keep going on only seeing him 2 weekends a month and a couple weeks in the summer which she said she is going for.   I cant raise a child off of that much time and I know that she isnt going to do as good of a job as i can.  but like her favorite words "Prove it!!"  

Got to go releaf here so i can go home from work.  laters and thanks  
Thanks
   Greg

[gipsy]

Wow, you sound like a great dad. Keep up the good work.

I don't know what the laws are in Michigan about number of people in a household. The fact that there is a large group of people in your household could be held against you too. I'll give you an example. While at trial two days ago, I was asked about our home. My husband and me bought a fixer house that was a screaming deal and totally remodeled it. At the present his 4 year old son and my 14 year old daughter share a room which will eventually be my sewing room. They each have their own bed. We haven't completed the house yet because his incorrect child support of a whopping $740 per month was killing us. (And my husband makes about $20,000 less per year than you do.) We haven't had a need to make arrangements for the boy and girl to have their own spaces because the boy only spends two nights a month with us. Of course, had we gotten custody it would have been no problem to make temporary spaces for each of them until all the bedrooms were completed. Anyway, at trial I said that my daughter voluntarily goes to sleep on the couch when the boy stays overnight. This is because the boy likes to play his musical bear at night, and also he whines and cries in his sleep and wakes her up. At trial this got turned into, "At mom's house, B has his own bedroom. At dad's house, the stepdaughter (my daughter) has to go sleep on the couch because there's no space for her when B is there!" I was pretty astounded at that, because I find it to be a very petty issue in the first place. For years and years the families of our great nation often slept together in one big bed, or often in the same room. How is it we have become a nation so spoiled that the sharing of a bedroom is a bad thing, especially with children who are ten years apart in age? Again, if I were you I would question the safety of your son in the home, WHO the people are that are there (whether they are a good or bad influence, have criminal records, doing drugs, etc.), and NOT how MANY there are.

As for parenting the child on weekends only, you can't. We too are faced with that situation. For us, all we can do is exert damage control, and let the boy know that he is loved here. We also expect the boy will need therapy in the future, especially when puberty hits. Three days prior to our trial, the mom asked what dad wanted for "visitation." We sent over a plan that was 50/50. Setting all the crap aside, 50/50 would be the most beneficial for any child. She refused. For women who cannot see past their own BS for the benefit of the child, it is my belief that the child simply becomes a pawn in their own sick adventure of control. They use the child as a weapon against the dad. It is their way of projecting their hatred of the dad onto the child, which means they now have an ally in their sick agenda. They don't stop to think about the future consequences the child will experience--repressed anger at both parents, confusion, loss of identity, loss of self-esteem, etc.

The clothing issue was/is a problem for us too. Get this--I noticed the boy was coming for visits to our home in SAME outfit for 8-10 visits, including underwear. I called mom to find out what was going on. First she didn't return my phone calls. You see, I'm a non-entity to her, even though I'm her son's stepmother. So I made another call and left a message that I'm assuming she's having some difficulty clothing the child, and I'd be glad to take some of my child support and buy him some clothes to take home. Of course, that created a big stink. She immediately called me back and said that she was sick of B's clothes getting "ruint" at dad's house. Dad and B do all sorts of things together--painting, caulking, building, gluing, etc. Mom admitted to me over the phone that when B comes to our house, she makes him strip down to his nakedness and puts on the same outfit when he goes to dad's. Then when he goes home she makes him strip again, washes his clothes, and puts the same thing on him for the next visit. She has no problem putting a shirt he's torn back on him. She has no problem dressing him in two shirts on a hot day because it was cool when we sent him home to her. She said if I didn't like it, I could change his clothes (again) when he gets ready to go home. I asked her why she would do this to her own child. She says the parenting investigator told her to do this--which means she's refusing to take responsibility for her own actions. I asked her what the problem was when she was getting $740 per month in incorrect child support. That more than replaces any ruined clothing. She said she never asked for child support, that the court ordered it. Yeah right. We're talking about a person who asked for an increase in her child support when my husband told her he was working 7 days a week (in between visits) to keep up with the bills. Again, no responsibility for her own actions. And I'm talking about a woman who got a $270,000 divorce settlement four years ago, has $75,000 equity in her home, paid cash for her SUV three years ago, has extremely wealthy parents, doesn't work full time, and can't hold down a job! Welfare mentality still exists among the rich!

It's a tough situation, I know. Maybe you could tell the little guy when he comes to visit you, he gets to put on his dress-up play clothes. And when he goes to mom's he gets to put on his rough and tumble play clothes. And there's nothing wrong with second hand clothes. I buy almost all of my stepson's clothes at resale shops because I KNOW they're going to get ruined. Besides, kids grow so fast, why spend a lot of money on them at that age? I might suggest that you go to the resale shop and pick up a supply of used clothes (most of which look new if you search the racks) for this reason: when your child comes to you in welfare clothes that are dirty, stained, torn, or whatever, simply throw them away out of sight of the child. When it's time to go back to mom's, put him in the "new clothes" you bought for him, and keep the nicer stuff for use at your home. If she can't keep track of the nice things you send home with the child, she'll never know that you trashed her crappy clothes.

Hope I gave you a few good suggestions to use. Remember, you have to pick your battles wisely, lest you create the suggestion that YOU are the source of the conflict--which will be used against you in court.

Wicked Stepmother

[FatherTime]

"Wicked Stepmother" has given some good advice to you.

You can gain a great amount of knowledge and support here.    

Keep coming back and you can really help yourself get through this rough time in your life.  

FatherTime

[Leafypoint]

Document, document, document!
Go out and buy a camera, a tape recorder and a camcorder, if you're able. Keep journals of everything that has happened at every visit, even if you can utilize the above equipment. Document telephone calls, visitations, confrontations, any event that has to do with your (ex?) wife and/or your son. Write down the good things as well as the bad.
Believe me, it WILL come in handy, especially if you believe that your son is in an unsafe environment at his mother's home.
I just wish that someone given me this information when my husband got divorced. If I had it, I believe that our family could have avoided about 50% of the litigation that we've gone through throughout the years.

[Lexin]

I will be documenting from now on.  I have a calander that i use now.  There is a period of about 3 months that I didnt use it though all of this but in the beginning I used it.  even documented the stuid things that I did at that time.  
I was talking to my shrink and she said that there is no way that I can get my child even 50%.  I dont feel that I have a problem.  I had a mental breakdown after I left my wife to come crawling back 3 days later for her to tell me there is nothing i can do to get her back.  I tried and tried to get her back and failed at every attempt.  I said till death do us part as I poped 27 tylenol 3 with codine and 8 volumes.  first attempt,  after I got out of the phyco ward for suicide watch.  i went to an out patient program.  I was still going through the mental breakdown and gave it a second attempt with a rasorblade to the wrist.  Those are the only 2 attempts I have tried in my whole life. the second one wasnt accually an attempt but a see what her reaction would be.  I didnt go deep enough on purpose but i didnt care if i did at the time.   Now I realize that I have way too much to live for.  Agreat job, a beutiful son, and in the future someone to share my life with.  A great family. and a few friends  that will all miss me.  Women come and go from what im reading though out the boards and what people keep telling me.  so i have been working at keeping my head high and aim for the stars.  concentrate on getting my son back.  in the process I will be makeing myself a better person and one that someone some day can look highly to.  I have a gf that I am getting stronger feelings for.  But my main priority is my son.   I havent figured out yet how she will be dealing with this when the more stressfull times come into play.  Its too soon in the relationship.  
Even with all the crap that my wife does.  for the time beeing I want 50% custody.  My son also needs his mom.   With my shift the longest she will have him once this whole thing is situated will be 4 days or 4 nights.  The longes period i will have him is 1 week but the shortest is one day where her shortest is 3.    I wil have travis all my offdays which means I can spend 100% of the time with him.  my schedule is on a calander for the whole year.  we got those calanders for 2004 in october.  where her schedule is planned out weekly.  so she wont be able to spend that much time with him.  she has her mom babysit alot.  id say most of her visit with him.  hopefully that will help.  I will have my own place next paycheck :)  which will help alot also.   I just hope the past doesnt come and bite me in the arse.  
Thanks
   Greg

[Lexin]

I finally got to see my son for 20 minutes this past saterday.  My mom had her christmas party at her house and my wife stopped into my sisters house next door.  My mom promised her she wouldnt let me take off.  Me beeing the one to listen to my mom let my wife leave again with my son.  If I would have done what I wanted to do which is take my son home then come monday (today)  take a personal day here at work and change his addy to my house.  I would then file the paperwork though wayne county which would take less time to get things rolling then in monroe county where she lives.   I went to the friend of the court and they wouldnt help me out because I dont have a case open though them yet.  So I started one but they said it will be 2-3 months before they even get the paperwork together then they have to serve her which will take 3-4 weeks.  Then what ever date the hering will be.  Then I may be able to see my son.  But the child support will start from the day I fill out the paperwork and send it in.  She claimed that she wouldnt let me take him because she doesnt think I would give him back when my visitation is over.   Even through all of this I will still give him back.  If anything to prove that I am better then her.  But when i was at my moms house I told her to get a ride out and she can take my car when she dropps off travis then drop off the car when she picks him up.  That will leave me with no way to take off with him.  We are still married so I cant call in my car stolen.  She hung up on me 3 times trying to tell her that.  I was under the impression that we can go down to the courthouse and fill out paperwork to have visitations on paper for the time beeing.  But they said they cant do that.  but even when I thought that they would she still wouldnt work with me and goto the courthouse and get it situated.   Hey layer isnt talking to me and her mom claims that she isnt returning her phone calls.  I have everything documented from the days that I call to check up on him to the 20 minutes I got to see him.  THe time I spent at the courthouse and what timeand date I dropped the paper off at the courthouse after i filled it out.  Her mom even came across and asked me If I had money so travis can eat this week.  What kind of crap is that.  I told her yes I have money.  and yes travis has plenty of food he can eat at my house.  yet she still wouldn't let me take him.  on christmas I got denied to even talk to him on the phone.  
Thanks
   Greg