Denied Visitation?

[w0lfman]

I need some assistance with a nagging issue. About a year ago our children began telling both my ex-wife and myself they did not want to go for her visitation time. My ex-wife and I spoke about it and she asked me what she could do. I said it seems to me you have two choices 1) force the kids to go for the visits or 2) leave it up to them. I told her that the choice is hers and that I would support her either way. My ex decided she did not want to force them and I agreed.

Over the past year if the kids did not want to go I would call my ex and let her know. I thought I was working with her in supporting her desicision. I want to stress at no time did I ever say "I won't give you the kids" or anything like that.  I would just say the kids are saying they do or do not want to come.

Most of the time (152 out of 162 days) regardless of what the kids wanted my ex did not arrive to pick the kids up for the visitations.

Now she claims that I have denied her the court ordered visitaions and adds that she is filling a contempt charge.

What do you think?

[nosonew]

Well, she can file contempt, but I doubt it will go anywhere.  How old are the kids?  Why don't they want to go with her?

Secondly, I hope you were keeping track on a calendar or something, or perhaps her phone number is long distance and you have a record via phone that you called her on such and such dates.  

Just be ready to back up what was done.  If the kids are under age 11-12, they should have done regardless in my opinion, but older than that, many would choose not to go due to social activities they might miss out on (or sports).  Would help to know their ages and reasoning for not wanting to go....

[w0lfman]

Thanks for the reply. My kids are 10 and 6 I did keep track of it all on the parenting time tracker spreadsheet from the SPARC site, hopefully it will help.

The kids told me that they did not want to go due to "being forced to sit on a couch for the entire visit" and they said they are affriad of her new husband saying he "flicks them on the ears and yells at them" I don't know how much of it is true as the ex denies it says they are making it up, which could be as the kids are not very happy with mom remarring, that's why I left it up to her she knows more about what happens than I would and I'm trusting she would not put them in harms way.

I honestly couldn't tell what or who to believe and frankly with it being her time I felt the I'd leave it up to her as to how she wanted to address it.

I'm very confussed.

[nosonew]

Honestly, I think you should tell the kids that they have got to go to moms until a certain age (talk to bm about it if you can and agree to an age, like 12-14) when they can then determine their own visitation based on school, sports, social activities, etc.

I would imagine you may not be too thrilled with her remarriage either, and perhaps the kids (esp the 10 year old) is projecting your feelings to himself/herself.  The 6 year old is just doing what the 10 year old does.

It's time to step up to the plate and tell these kids their mom loves them and they should see her eow and her holidays.  If they see you are behind them, DONT MENTION THE OTHER THINGS, LIKE EAR FLICKING, ETC, they may just go and like it.  Also, make sure they realize that they can call you at any time they want, so if they do get upset, you can talk to bm and assure the kids that this is okay.  

I hope Im not way off base, as each situation is different.  

BTW, I am sm and bm.  My son sees his dad whenever he wants, which works great, we all get along great.  My ss just moved in with us, and doesn't want to see bm very much.  Thats a long story, so I won't get into that now.  We just strongly encourage him to go, so I know where you are coming from to a point (my ss is 14).  Good luck.

[joni]

with notsonew, they hit the nail on the head.  The BM made a bad call by saying "let the kids decide".  The kids are too young to decide such a major thing.  For instance, if your 10 year old came to you and said they didn't want to go to school, that wouldn't be a choice, they'd have to go to school.

This is not a good situation either way you spin it.  Kids need structure and guidance and their parents, although divorced, need to stand united.  You as a CP need to stand firm and support the BM's visitation rights.

As a SM, BM, CP and NCP, when you're a NCP, you feel as though you have no rights to your kids and you're definitely on the short end of the stick.  It's a horrible situation to be in, you feel like it's a no-win situation.  Don't make this worse than it has to be.

Be the bigger person and make this right.  In the long run, everyone will benefit from this, especially your kids.

[gipsy]

If they are doing what they say , Then I would answer her contempt with a responsive declaration and an Order to appoint a GAL , Tell the judge or commissioner what the kids are saying in the declaration , If you get a Guardian ad litem appointed The GAL will report to the judge what the kids are saying ,Step parents hitting kids and trying to take a parental role is pretty much a big no-no ,If the kids are pretty strong in there statements the GAL will report this tp the judge , I would not be interested in sending My son to that type of place , Appointing a GAL is not big deal , But be ready they are pretty biassed , And In my expierience not to Intelligent , But I would be at least entertaining the appointment of a GAL , I think if this is going on she will back out of the contempt , But I would not just lay down and take it  If you don't respond to the contempt , She will get a default order , YOU MUST RESPOND!!!!!,