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Sigh...it never ends...input please!

Started by I cry_ in_the_dark, Jan 09, 2004, 01:00:15 PM

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I cry_ in_the_dark

I have visitation with my kids this weekend. A few weeks ago, they mentioned to me that my son's Pinewood Derby for boyscouts was coming up, but they weren't sure when.

As I recalled, it had been at the end of the month in previous years. My daughter called me yesterday and asked me if I was taking them to the Derby this Sunday. Not knowing it was this weekend, I was quite perturbed and told her that was not something she and I should be discussing, that her father should have called me. (Not to mention he knew of this for at least 2 months.)

He called me and informed me that if I was not taking them that he would be at my home at 1pm to take them. Now, it might be one thing to ask me to take them. It would have been even better to ask me a long time ago. But to DEMAND that I take them...grrrrrrrrrr!!!!

I told him I wanted it in writing, and he refused. This is the second time in less than a month that he has caused chaos by telling the kids of things that are going on during  MY VISITATION TIME. The last time he did this, HE called the police who informed him that he was WRONG, and to go away and leave me alone. But I ended up giving in that time and let the kids go to their grandparents with him.

I had plans for me and the kids this weekend to go visit my mother in another state. So what do I do...stay home and take him? It does mean a lot to my son. And once again it looks like I'm giving in. Or do I continue with my plans to go away for the weekend?

ksswthrt74

Take your kids to their Grandmother's.  Father should have talked to you sooner about it.  

I know where you are coming from. My X who is the CP, doesn't notify me about anything.

I have my AIM posted on here, so if you want to talk vent to another NCP Mom, I would be more than gladly to "listen".


its ksswthrt1674  for AOL IM

I cry_ in_the_dark

He wouldn't have talked to me at all if I hadn't refused to discuss it with my daughter.

Thanks for the offer, but I do not use AIM.

ksswthrt74

I also use Yahoo and getting ready to talk other half into d/l MSN messenger...let me know if you use either one of those.

here is my email address..


[email protected]

Kitty C.

Take the kids and go to your mother's. Yes, I know how important the Pinewood Derby is, my SS is in scouts and we NEVER are notified of the events, nor is he even allowed to bring it with him so his and his dad can work on it.  His SF hid it from him so he couldn't find it the last couple years.

But in the grand scheme of things, family comes first.  Think of it this way:  30 years from now, what do you think your son will remember?  Missing a Pinewood Derby or a grandmother who loved him dearly?  'Nuff said.  And in the future, find out who his Cubmaster is and get a list of events from them.  They'd be more than happy to furnish it.

As for your ex, let him blow a gasket, call the cops, or whatever else crawls up his butt.  There ain't a DAMN thing he can do about it.  And if you are EVER afraid he might go off on you, take a witness or call the cops and ask for a civil stand-by.  Even if he threatens to haul you to court about it, he doesn't have a legal leg to stand on, either.  If his atty. doesn't laugh him out of his office, the judge will laugh him right out of the courtroom, then reprimand him for frivilously using the court's time.

Take a stand for what is rightfully yours and DON'T back down!
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

joni


Don't deviate from your court order, you'll set a precedent that may come back to bite you later.  Keep your kids until you're entitled to have them and let your mother enjoy them as well.  Explain to your kids when you see them in person.  Let your Ex sit outside from 1pm until you get home.  It's his problem.

Remember, you got to lie down to be a door mat.

gipsy

First off this trickery comes in many forms , MANY , So Get use to It , BUT Balance it with ,
    What would you do if this was not a custody issue or an issue of who"s an A hole or An Issue of giving in ,
     View it as an Issue of what would be the best fun for the kids , I feel that If the kids are planning to do some thing and they are asking about it , You should ask them, Why do I say that ?
   I am A NCP Father , the mother does all kinds of crap , BUT I have pulled My share , But My crap is good crap , SO HAh HAh ,
    Heres what I say as A Man , Obviuosly having been a boy , First as a boy I would say I [ This is My opinion] If I had a choice a A Boy's event or grandmas , I would say .. >> Boys event  Hands down , And My son gets pretty bored visiting relatives , So
    Heres the risk for You , You may give Your son A  long standing resentment over this , This could be important  to him He may have Worked on His project , And  this is a set up from Dad CP , SO Here's My input , Call granma And say Heres the deal , Tell her whATS  up and say "howed Ya Like to see the little guy at His Boy scout function ", That would probably be more action than siiting and visiting , After all what are you going to do at moms that is more entertaining .
 AND I say I would just tell Dad , Nice trick dipshit , BUT this is what the court order say's and this is My week end , SOOO Give me the stuff and I'll take them, thanks for getting this all set up I think I will have a grand time of this , I am so appreciative that You got all this ready for MY WEEKEND  AND yOU KNOW WHAT THE COURT ORDER SAY'S AND YOU DID IT ANY WAY  . SOOO thanks ever sooooo Much for preparing a great weekend for me and the kids !!! you ARE A GRrrrrreat dad , I live for the day I can do Dad things with our Son and This will be a great week end , !! An smile , And say By the way can Ya help load the stuff , Or haul it over since Ya set it all Up!!! Love ya Babe You are great ,
   How the heck do Ya think that will grab his conniving ass Huh ??? Just take His Mahem and Make it into a great deal ,
   Ya See I know this game .
   CP Mom trys this crap all the time . So She got My little guy involved In full time pre school Hah . Not to be out done ,[ and upon the advice of My atty I went to the school and met al the teachers , And was there on orientation , BOY Ya should of seen the snank squirm , Her and her New Boy friend were there trying to act like the Cute couple . and I stood up and clearly introduce My self as Dad , And Mom and BoY friend Looked like wormes stated crawling up there @$$ , And they left VERY early HAHAHAHAHAHA !! SO Guess what atty said,,,, " Keep doing it its a good thing and it makes her look stupid and pisses her off !! So Now I volunteered at the school and filled out the DSHS required papers and as soon as The papers from trial settle I will be volunteering at His school . Why? Because She won't have a clue, And unless the court order Say's I cant . I have equall access period . Ya see the Game My atty tells me to play . Yeah !! He's kind of a psychological game player . But in a good way . He say's " what can you do to make something good out of this , HMMMMM Well take the air out of the @$$ holes balloon By making a good happy deal , See . They get off on making you angry and hurting you at the expense of the kids , Like At the last school , I would go and do things with Him at the school . And the school let Me !! I Was nice to them and it Really pisses her off ,. So   Heres what I say put off The visit and play the best reverse psychological game you can take advantage and go have a great time with the kids at the derby . Then when they come home all Happy about it . He won't like it , If they come back pissied because they did not get to do it then He Gets a big Charge out of pissing you off , Make it a Big win for you and the boy !!! And a big loose for the typical vendictive cp that pits the kids in the middle !!! trust Me on this one , This kind of stuff really pisses My PBFH

I cry_ in_the_dark

It all sounds good in theory....but....
 
It wouldn't be a great time for me and my son, as Dad will surely be there dragging him around while my daughter and I sit and do not much of anything.

If we don't leave this morning, my daughter is going to be mad as she was looking forward to going to my mom's. Silly me for thinking I could plan something on MY time. Either way it's a lose/lose situation.

gipsy

Get Your attitude out of the gutter ! I am a very direct person , You have an attitude ! And Not only that your Using your  attitude About what a terrible bore it will Be while Dad DRAGS SON AROUND  , Id like to see that at a boy scout function ! Ya Mean to tell me  the boy scouts are being dragged To these functions , Your own post said You knew son was looking forward to it , Secondly If This happens while you and your daughter ( Just sit there] ?? Well Get up and participate . I think you are painting this picture of the function as negative So You can do what you want , . Your first post was about giving in to this , All of your posts are full of , The problems and the issues . WHere are you talking about healthy solutions , You posted for solutions , I have a lot of expirience with this type of crap . Untill You make good of it they will continue to get  off on YOU !!! My psycho distinctly As I posted, enroll's Him And sends nasty threatening letters About me going to his school etc , Well Untill you interact in a way that doesn't facilitate the negativity they will get OFF ON YOU HAVING THIS ATTITUDE you Have to understand that , We'll Just say That I was CP dad And You were having this kind of attitude with Me , My self or virtually any one can see a lose lose attitude from a mile away , I personall would have a hard time NOT Torturing A attitude Like your's .
   What I read In your post is this is all hopeless dad does all this stuff and doesn't tell You , then You are in an uncontrolled circumstance and you have no choice but to just do what you want because the boy scout function would suck !!! . I previously posted re -read my post , One thing a Garuntee , Dad Wil continue to jerk your chain . He will not stop untill you play different , Again My atty told me to cooperate , Think of this , the skunk pulled some crap and I had circus tickets , She knows that she pulled some crap and I was pissed !! And I could hear the glee in her voice when I called about the circus and she said , She was taking him Just before My visit time , I could recognise the Glee in her voice when I Started getting pissied , Eventually we learn that these people really do get off on hurting others ! Get that through your head! And be determined To figure out healty ways to deal with it that gives a healthy out come , I think Dad Is playing a GAme to Make this an unhealthy Out come , Think hard on this one If you Make iether choice wich one is the healthy out come ,It is  Not easy to remove the part about Am I giving in or doing what they demand , Do You think he doesn't know He demanded it ?  Do Ya think a Dad Doesn't know that If You jerk your son out from this type of project and event , Your son will be pissed at You , I suggest you rethink your hopeless attitude And think about Resentment from son over this . I am A man , I am reasonably certain You ARE NOT GOING TO COME OUT THER WINNER  ! In your sons eyes if You take him away from this event ! Thats All I have to say ! Tell Me how It goes if you remove son from this , I thionk he will be pissed

MYSONSDAD

I have to agree with gypsy. I get the same crap at every exchange.
I am not playing her games. My time with my son is the most important thing. What his wishes are and what he wants to do. Keep focused on your kids and what is best for them. Stay on the high road. It will pay off. For every negative she throws at me, I turn it into one BIG positive.
I end up feeling better for it.

I am sure your daughter would be willing to see Grandma on a different weekend. Either that, invite grandma. Make it a big Family day and go out for pizza afterward. Let your daughter choose where to go for dinner. This way she'll feel a part of it, too. Sometimes you can negociate a comprimise and have it work in your favor. Work together as a  team.

I was a scout and won first place. I still have the trouphy and the car.

MKx2

GREAT idea!  The best of both worlds, and grandma gets to be involved with something that is obviously so important to DS!

It might mean some extra driving, but ya know what?  It will be MORE than well worth it!

I cry_ in_the_dark

I posted in haste this am after I decided to let my son go to his event and postpone my trip to my mom's.  I had a lot I wanted to squeeze in due to the loss of my time this weekend. So it doesn't really say what it should have.

Ah well. My bad attitude.

   

I cry_ in_the_dark

Ah...here I am posting in haste again because we rented a movie and have popcorn to make....

But, while it sounds good in theory...

Grandma is elderly and doesn't have much time left. She can't possibly come here. So, what is of worth to one, isn't of much worth to another.

I made my choice. Grandma loses. I'll pay the price for that one.


MYSONSDAD

Grandma does not have to lose. Is she close enough where you could go get her? If not, offer to tape the derby for her. On your next weekend with your kids, make a special effort with Grandma. [Maybe a overnite camp out in her living room.] I am sure she will be disappointed, but if this is very important to your son, she'll understand. Funny, Grandparents are like that. Very patient and understanding. That is what makes them so special!

Sounds like your kids are old enough to know what is going on with their activities. If you have access to a calender on your computer, AOL has a pretty good one. Next time you've got the kids, have them bring a list of things that are coming up. You can change the font color for each person, son blue, daughter magenta, you green. Have them add their stuff to the calendar, you do the same. Might be a fun project you can work on together and you will always know what's going on in their lives and they will know what's going on in yours. And they will make sure to get a list of  their events to add, whether it's from school or scouts.
It will also keep you up to date so that you can attend some of their activities.

Grandma won't be stuck out in the cold again.

The ex won't be able to pull anything like this for some time.

gipsy

 to   I cry in the dark
   Please tell me that You understand that the custodial parent is doing this intentionally , But on the other hand I hope you understand that this is an event that Is not going to chaNGE  for visitation purposes ,  I believe if the custodial Is hisoricaly doing this ,then he is giving the last minute changes  purposefully
      , I personally have a printout of My son"s school schedul;e In My billfold ,  I have also just Written in events On mY calendar
     Trust Me they won't do any thing for you ,  I have to constantly read the parenting plan , And Mark on the calender the days of the events ,
    I suggest that You also call His boy scout troop master And Get a schedule , then  As I said Before I showed at the school for an event ,
    With atty's blessings . I know CP talks all kinds of crap about me to any one she can so I intentionally went to ask questions and talk to the teachers , GET IT !!! MY atty. advises to go to His events , And be very nice and MAtbe she will do something stupid and there will be witnesses ,
 The Jest of this is , Do healthy things to be an involved parent and let  the CP prove themselves , Unless You can't Be civil around the other parent , I can Because Its just a game to Me , A test of time , My sister went through a similar thing when she wound uo With a child being left indefinitly after Baby sitting , My sister is a strong person and she took Mom Dad and Grandma On  Moms Side On in a court battle , And won period , My sister Tells Me again and again and My mom tells me from this expierience , It hurts the kids when they say things about the other parent , Heres the kicker , Now this child is an adult , Relaively well adjusted , Has a job etc , And Guess who the child /Adult now resents the most ,      ,,,,, It is certainly not My sister , And our family Is sort of her family . She to a degree  resents the side of the family that pulled all the crap , I hear again and again Children figure this out , the thing is before you know it they grow up < and then they like you or Not . I ask My self to be the parent That will be the one that has a relationship that will last past the current court order

I cry_ in_the_dark

Yes, I'm fully aware mr. dad is doing this on purpose. After my talk with my kids this weekend about "what were we going to do?" I explained to them that from now on, if I don't know about something enough in advance, it might look like I'm being mean but I'm going to keep my original plans.

You're exactly right. I had no issue with the fact that the Derby was on my weekend. But dad knew about it for months. I had the kids for 5 years. I always obtained extra ball game rosters for dad. He was always informed of concerts, and school activities.  Silly silly me for expecting the same in return.  :(


MixedBag

Chiming in late, but my EX did (and does) the same thing to me and I can share what happened last September.

I went to pick up my son and he came out of the house with no weekend bag.   No notice given by the EX, so the first priority was to BUY clothes.

Then my son says "Hey mom, there's a dance at school TONIGHT!"  Followed closely by "Hey mom, can I go to my best friend's birthday party Tomorrow?"

I made the best of the situation -- and in my opinion, yes, the EX should have told me beforehand, but then, THAT's why he's the EX.

Family comes first and that means following the order and NOT letting an EX intrude.

Hope your weekend went well...