Need a critique before I mail this....or should I say something else?

[StPaulieGirl]

My ex and oldest girl went round and round about why he didn't show up at the grandbaby's 2nd birthday.  She ended up blocking sender.  I get a note from this pompous jackass today.  

You wrote:

I'm writing To Ask That You Please Help With Transportation on the Kids for Child Exchange. I Cannot Continue To Make A 300 Mile Trip Every Other Weekend.
I Would Like You to Drop the Kids Off In Pasadena (about 40 Minutes from Torrance) by  8pm Fridays, Where We Drop Of Anne's Boys.
This Needs To Happen As I Cannot Make The Trip Fridays Any Longer.
It Is Only Fair To Ask you're Help with This Matter. I Have Taken This Responsibility On Myself With No Questions Asked For Sometime Now.
As It States In OUr Divorce Settelment, YOur Responsible For Transportation On Exchanges, And To This Point I Have Not Disputed Picking Up Joe & Brenda Everyime.But It's Time For Help And I'm Asking That You Please Comply.
Respond As Soon As Possible With My Request.

Damn.   Your spelling, grammar, and puncuation are hell on the eyes.  Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to retype that load of garbage?

I have a suggestion.  Anne can take care of her responsibilities towards her children, by herself.  I neither drive at night, nor do I drive that 405 freeway.  My defensive driving skills aren't up to dealing with kamikazies.  Our number #1 priority should be the safety of the children.  Until my car started continually breaking down, I travelled to Apple Valley to pick up the kids.  Then I picked them up when you shacked up with Anne at her folks house in Alta Loma.  If you would actually read the court order for yourself, you'd see that my job is to pick the kids up, not drop them off.  You made the choice to move out to BFE Palmdale.  If you and Anne are having a problem with transporting the various children, well I'm sorry but it's your problem, not mine.  Maybe Yahell says it's a 40 minute drive to Pasadena from my house, but I've been through there and it's more like an hour.  I can't get through there in the dark.  End of discussion.

It's only fair?  You need to get over yourself.  You have caused your children nothing but pain.  "Child Exchange"?  That is just a prime example of what you actually feel for these kids.  Why do you even bother?  I have never blocked your access to your children.  You have unlimited phone access, and all the visitation you had time for.    I tried to cooperate with you in the past, however you took an inch and ran a mile.  I am not cooperating with you beyond what is stated in the court papers that you conveniently discover on occasion.

I am hoping to relocate back to the desert in several months.  This should do something towards helping your issues with the personal inconvenience of being a father.
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Okay how far out of line am I in my response?  He is expected to pick the kids up tomorrow.  I don't EVER talk to him when he picks the kids up, or drops them off.  I stay in the house, because his wife gives me evil looks, and I'd rather not "go there".  I have enough things to deal with.

Editing, or other suggestions are most welcome....

[DecentDad]

Hi,

In answer to your question, I think you're extremely far out of line.  I hope this draft was just for catharsis.  It does nothing to accuse or blame.

I'd suggest that you just follow court orders and write something like...


Dear X,

It's not new that we don't see eye-to-eye on an issue.  Rather than endless debate about what's fair, let's please follow court orders.

Court orders state, with regard to transportation, that you will do XYZ and I will do ABC.

That's what I plan to do, and I ask you to do the same.

StPaulieGirl

[StPaulieGirl]

I can imagine how you feel reading this.  This has been going on for several years.  I'm always ranting and venting about Mr. Wonderful.  He keeps screwing over the kids....all four of them.  That incudes a 24 and 21 yr old.  

That note was sent in reply and retaliation towards an email conversation between the 24 yr old and dad.  There was a birthday party for the 2 yr old (21 yr old's baby) last weekend, and as usual everything was late.  Satan came, then left without giving people a chance to get there.  I was late, and didn't get there until 1pm.  Traffic was insane.  We had the party at a park, and  it took me and my little one 20 minutes to find them.  Well you should have seen the nasty email that daddy sent the oldest girl.  It was ridiculous.  

DD?  Psychobitches come in both genders.  My son in law wants to call him and threaten legal action(daddy slipped and said something that can be litigated) and my girl "blocked sender" finally.  Then I get this letter.  He's stirring the pot....and I think I'm just going to ignore this letter.  

DD...I've been here for years.  It doesn't matter if the psycho in your life is a man or a woman.  They will do their best to try and destroy your peace of mind, and anything else they can get their hands on.   They don't see past their own "self".  The kids get run over and over again because of "Mommy or Daddy's needs".

Reread my reply to my ex.  I have pointed out that he has never been denied access to his minor children.  He has had a habit for the last 25 years of making stupid decisions, then expecting the rest of the world to make allowances for his behavior.  This I know.  I was married to him for 19 years.  I have problems with certain freeway systems here in So Cal.  My glasses are 4 years old and I can't safely drive after dark.  He knows this.

Considering that most of the fathers here would jump at the chance to be able to talk to their kids any time they want, or jump in the car and pick them up on their weekends.....without any interference, I'd say I'm being as fair as I can possibly be at this point.  Like I said, I'm moving and we'll be able to handle the commute better.


If this offensive to you, I apologize.  I'm juggling hand grenades with this guy even now, not to mention all the other fun stuff modern life has to offer.  

I'll sit on this for a day or so.  He has visitation this weekend and the 16 yr old doesn't want to go.  The baby has been "diagnosed with severe depression", so my oldest daughter doesn't want her going without her brother looking out for her.  Son in law concurs...

[DecentDad]

Hi,

I've taken no offense to anything you've said, as I'm not involved in your life, really.

I'm just letting you know that from an outside perspective, the two of you are obviously involved in an emotionally-based unhealthy dance.

In the letter to him, do you really need to comment on his spelling or his history?

The only issue at hand is the exchange point.  Address it factually and then leave it.

It's up to you to engage emotionally and allow his "attempts" to destroy your peace of mind to actually do so.

If your glasses restrict your driving on So Cal highways, then get a new prescription.  Simple as that.  I live in West L.A., and I know the highway system between you and Pasadena.  It's not 4x4 terrain, not mine fields, not flooded roads.  It's just a bunch of traffic.

Again, I suggest you two just follow court orders to a tee.  The two of you apparently can't get along, and using clear-cut instructions as a bible will reduce the conflict.

Best,
DD

[tharper001]

I must say, the letter is kind of strong.  I would stick the facts.  I wouldn't point out that you can't drive at night or whatever, because that's not any of his business.  His business and yours is of the kids.  If the court documents specify how the transportation arrangement should be, then that is what you put in your letter and leave it at that.  And besides that... a 24 year old and a 21 year old... there's no need to even get involved with those issues other than to be a support to them.  If they don't get along with their father, then that's their choice.  He is, however, still the father to the minor children.  

Yes, we are all frustrated with the system.  My husband drives a 150 mile round trip (plus about $10 in tolls) to get his daughter every other weekend.  The ex won't lift a finger... she doesn't provide documentation to us, or even add the father to the list on the school.  Every time the child changes schools, the father has to request his name be added, then he has to show copies of the court documents and a letter from his attorney and it's all a big pain in the ASS.  He has just as much right to the child as she does with the exception that she is the custodial parent.  As a matter of fact, they had a deposition here today which she brought the child to as the child is on spring break.  The funny thing.. he's supposed to get her tonight at 6 pm... Now she was here, yet she stormed out of the depo and took the child.  So this child will ride a total of 225 miles today because this b*tch is so selfish and thinks this is all about her.  

WE'RE ALL FRUSTRATED... But the key here... make it as simple as possible (stick to the court documents and that is your answer).  These are kids here and all of them deserve (for the most part) access to both parents.  Keep your sanity, the court documents should provide you with the necessary, unarguable answers that you need.

[StPaulieGirl]

I'm just letting you know that from an outside perspective, the two of you are obviously involved in an emotionally-based unhealthy dance.

Extremely unhealthy.  Actually it's toxic.  This is why I try and keep contact to a bare minimum.  There is a huge problem between him and the adult girls.  My oldest has blocked his email address after the nasty email exchange that I mentioned previously.  Her husband is completely fed up with him, because Mr. Wonderful treats her badly....still.  

No, I don't need to comment on his spelling and punctuation.  

Exchange point.  Arghhh.  It's easy to say that it's up to me not to allow him to destroy my peace of mind.  I'm one of those suckers that tries to do the "right thing".  He counts on that.  The problem is that he ignores the court order.  Take last Christmas.  I get a note stating that he has to switch the Christmas visitation schedule because he's made "plans that cannot be broken".  He sent that in October.  If he had bothered to consult the court order, he could have arranged his plans to coincide with his visitation.  It turns out that he and his wife went to Bass Lake for Christmas.  He was thoughtful enough to send the kids a postcard, which sent my 9 yr old into a temper tantrum.  He "requested" that my daughter and son in law bring the kids up on the 27th.   They thought they were invited to participate in their Christmas party, but it turns out they were just the taxi service.  I won't bore you with the details.

Anyway, I wouldn't withhold visitation. I'm the one who obeyed the court order chapter and verse.  It was his choice to move to that particular community.  This traffic is so insane, even in my town, I don't even want to drive to Big Lots if I can help it.  I know that court order chapter and verse.  When his lies caused his new wife to call CPS on me, all bets are off.  Boo hoo.  It's inconvenient.  Tough noogies.

My glasses are fine during the daytime.  I have a problem driving at night. I don't have health insurance.  I am currently trying to keep probate court from sucking my parents estate dry.  When this is done, I'm moving to the moon.  Screw Cement Paradise, I'm moving to Lucerne Valley!  I'll raise goats to sell to the "guest workers who are here to do the jobs Americans won't do"!  Basta!  I think I'm serious.  My ex bro in law has a 1.7 acre parcel for sale across the street from him.  7k.  When I say "street", I'm joking.  It's a dirt path.  We're talking septic, propane, and well water.  The water is great!  Not to mention there are more stars in the sky then you've ever seen.  My ex bro and I get along pretty well.  I think this would be good for the kids.  Elementary school is right up the road.  My ex bro in law was gracious enough to invite us to spend the night...seeing that the bbq was late, and he knows I can't drive in the dark.  The little one didn't want to leave.

I will meet him at a central location when I move.  The oldest one says it's less than an hour between Palmdale and Victorsticks.  Good enough, and I will begin to pick the kids up at his house again.

You're new here.  I've been screaming about the domestic atrocities for years.  People usually help me get straight, like you did.  Thank you, DD.  Always know, that when you're at SPARC, you're in good company :-)

[Coco]

DH's PB moved 400 miles away. Finally, a court ordered her to do ALL the driving in lieu of CS that she refused to pay DH.  Its not that he doesn't want his ex to see her child, its that she uses the distance as a weapon. So, I hear your pain.

But, sometimes with difficult ex's....less is more. Don't give him fuel for later. Its just not worth the pain. You may regret what you wrote later in a court setting (if it ever goes there again).

I'd say stick to the order. Tell him that you want to stick to the order and its best for the kids to know what to expect each time. End of discussion there. Be as professional and neutral as possible. Write the nasty one first, tear it up or keep it somewhere to read over and over so you feel better...but give him the neutral non-accusatory letter and keep it black and white. MHO.

Good luck. I lived in Torrance for awhile and I know the hellish commute from there to Pasadena. Yikes. Its bad no matter what time of day and night.

[nosonew]

St. Paulie...nice to see DD helped you focus.  Letting them make you crazy stinks, I feel for you, as sm, I can "disengage", but as mom, you can't.  I really, really feel for you.  

I think DD is right on the money.  Go by the c.o. that states HE provides all transportation.  If he says he can't go all the way, then you are NOT denying any visitation, HE has chosen to not do what the c.o. states. End of story. Don't feel guilty, don't LET him make you feel guilty.  

Re: the night driving. I too can't see well at night, my optomitrist says it is called "night blindness". Don't drive at night.  It is due to my astiSLURPisms, which are difficult to correct.  I had my nearsightedness corrected by radial karototomy (sp?) but that was in 95. Still 20/20 but still night blind.  

Re: The dirt path.  Sounds great! I say go for it! 7k? Damn girl, that sounds great! (I hear goat milk is good, lol).  And living in the midwest, I know the stars you speak of, see them every night.  

Hang in there! Hugs, nosonew

[StPaulieGirl]

Thank you, this is really frustrating.  I have to say that I am in violation of this court order.  It states that I pick up the kids from the father's house.  During all the car problems, my daughter and son in law, and occasionally my other daughter would pick the kids up.  

I also have a stiSLURPism, so I guess that's the problem with the night driving.  My mom couldn't drive at night either.  

I don't feel guilty.   I feel tired.  I have 9 years ahead of me with all this.  There's just too much stuff going on right now.  

[StPaulieGirl]

I'm just going to ignore it.  He called yesterday and said his blood pressure was up and he was feeling dizzy, so he wasn't coming.  If this is true, I hope he actually goes to a real doctor this time.  The last time he mentioned this, I ended up buying him garlic caps and something else(can't remember-it was quite a few years ago).  Garlic naturally lowers blood pressure.  

He is probably under a lot of pressure from his wife about this issue.  Maybe other issues as well.  He's told so many lies that it could be coming back to bite him.  Without mentioning his name, I've told the kids how lies come back to haunt you.  They have a tendency to lie like rugs.  

The oldest was involved because after I blocked his email address, he started emailing her and issuing orders.  She and her husband also helped transport the kids.  The court order does state that I am to pick them up.  When I moved, I borrowed my son in law's car to get them, or they got them.  I moved, so no whining.  Now he's moved, and I knew the minute I heard where they were going there was going to be a huge problem.  At the time my mom was still alive.  She passed away in September, so now this house can be sold. My 2nd transmission blew the day of her wake.  I didn't have a car for 2 months, so I explained that he would have to pick them up, but also drop them off as well.  My son in law commutes to work 2 hours each way, and is exhausted by the time the weekend comes, so they're not available.  The point is that I'm not deliberately denying visitation.

I've jumped through hoops to accomodate this person.  He has turned Christmas into chaos every year with his demands.  This last Christmas,  he made plans on his visitation time, and expected me to deal with it.  It's not like I had plans or anything, but I've been so scatterbrained lately that I depend on that court order to know when the kids are at dad's.  Btw, the court order states that he gets them for 2 weeks in the summer.  Since 2000, he's taken them for 2 whole weeks.  

Speaking of court orders, he's been a bad boy.  His attorney told the judge they would take care of the QDRO.  Ooops, must have slipped his mind.  Last year, our tax guy told me, when I asked if he was looting his pension plan, I should have gone to court yesterday about that.  See, the tax guy decides who gets the tax credit for the kids.  So far, I've signed the paper every year, because it makes sense for him to get it.  

Then there is the little matter of that 200k life insurance policy.  I forgot all about it until after his mother passed away last year.  After she died, he started spending money like a drunken sailor.  Wouldn't that be too ironic if he still had that on my life? Too bad he couldn't  kick in some money to the brother who paid for the funeral, or the brother who almost lost his job taking care of their mother for 3 weeks.  He's still behind on his bills one year later.  "Oh yeah, mom's not long for this world, better take out some life insurance on her so I can buy a timeshare".  That does sound rather bitter, but the kids are very close to their youngest uncle, and he's been through hell with this.  He ended up calling us to let us know she had been admitted to the hospital....not their father who knew the whole time that she was dying.   The  kids were close to their grandma, and didn't do too well with this situation.

Anyway, when the probate is done, and all the other fun stuff is taken care of, I'm taking him to court for the QDRO, and also to find out about that life insurance policy.  I hope that same judge is still on the bench.  The last thing I want is to be in violation of a court order, especially since I'm bonded, but there is a limit to what I can do for him.

Egads, I wrote a book...