Update to my last post!! NEED MORE HELP ASAP.

[butterflymackey]

I wrote a post on 3/31/04. I need to give a little more background first. Sorry but this isn't short.  

Last summer child left me from her visit with me crying saying she didn't want to go home.

A month later I get a call at work from step mom. She says child saying she hates me and step mom wants to adopt her legally. I said that would never happen. She said she asked my daughter if she wants her to adopt her and my child said yes. I told her she had no right discussing such things with her and talked to my ex about it. He did what he always does and laughed it off. Told me that he can't help if our child doesn't want me to be her mom anymore.

Things have been getting really bad since then.

Phone calls are very short now. She won't talk to me about her life. She answers yes or no to most question but wont go into detail. She is very disrespectful, rude and ungrateful. I have scolded her for being disrespectful to me. She yells at me. If I don't understand something she says the first time, she tells me forget it or talks to me like I'm the dumbest person. She asks me inappropriate questions like "Do you even have a job?" She prefaces calls with "I'm just calling you to get it over with."

My parents and I sent her a karaoke machine for b-day present in 11-03 she turned 8. (Yeah an 8 year old talking to me like I'm her annoying little sister.) She loves to sing. I finally asked if she got it and liked it and she said yes. She called me 1 wk later and told me she lied to me, didn't like her present, didn't ask for it so she didn't know why I bought it, and she took it back to store for other things. I got upset. Told her that she was very hurtful, ungrateful and rude to both her grandparents and me and that we were not sending her any Christmas presents. Talked to ex asked him why he can encourage her to tell me she took it back to the store but couldn't have her call to say thank you. He just laughed it off and said he thought I needed to know. We all know why he did it. So I didn't send X-mas present, told her when she visits we will go shopping. She was mad.

V-day thought I would try again. Sent her a card 2 candies and pack of V-day cards. She said she is trying to lose weight so she threw away the candy and that she already had V-day cards so she threw them away too. I just told her that I hoped none of her friends threw away the gifts she gives them for V-day.

Sent her a I miss you card. She threw it away.

Sent her another card with 2 dollars in it. All she had to say when I asked her if she was happy with what I sent her was "It's only 2 dollars".

Sent her another card for Easter with 2 dollars in it. She gave the same response.

Asked ex what is going on, and why our daughter is concentrating so much on hating me? He says they aren't saying anything to her. I suggested his wife might be because she stays home with kids. He said, "I am not even home half the time, I work but I highly doubt it." Didn't act concerned. It always leads to an argument because his wife hovers and comments in the background.

They shorted me out of 2 days for my x-mas visit and denied my spring break visit. Instead of going to court I sent him a letter (denial of visitation form letter from this site) asking him to allow her to stay an extra 10 days for this summer visit. I also sent him the form letter of Intent to exercise visitation for this summer visit. I sent my letters certified mail return receipt.

This is what I get back from him dated 4/7/04 regular mail. I got it on 4/10/04:

Thank you for your letter dated March 24, 2004, which I did not receive until a few days ago. I have carefully considered your letter and am mindful of Child's best interests. At this time, I respectfully decline your request for additional summer visitation. There are three reasons for this decision:

1. Child does not want to visit you this summer. She has expressed strongly her fears and opposition regarding the summer visit.

2. Repeated failure to comply with the divorce decree. Pursuant to the decree, we were to have agreed upon you summer visitation dates prior to March 1 of each year. Since you did the same thing last year as to spring break, I offered to allow a spring break visit this year (2004), but received no response from you.

3. Ongoing mistreatment of Child. Over the past several months, you have repeatedly spoken hatefully to Child by telephone, saying things to her that should never be said to any child or loved one. In addition, you have repeatedly promised to call her on specific dates and times. Each time she has waited for your promised calls, you have not called. Your cruelty and neglect towards Child have upset her greatly, leaving her confused and alienated from you.

Proposed Resolution-In view of these problems, please consider visiting with Child for a shorter duration this summer, possibly two weeks. A two-week period would be much more conducive toward creating a reasonable opportunity for you to attempt to rebuild you relationship with her, while not imposing an undue amount of stress upon her. Please let me hear from you on this on or before April 16, 2004.

I just want to scream!!! None of this is true! Now he is down to just plain lying. First of all have a return receipt saying he got letter 3/30/04. Said he just got it a few days ago.

My daughter has said she doesn't want to come here. The only reason she gives me is all the fun things they are going to do when she is not there. Which tells me they brag about what she will be missing out on. Saying she is fearful of me seems like a serious allegation to just throw out without any reason.  

I didn't fail to comply with divorce decree and I can prove it. He never ever offered to make up the spring break. No letters, phone calls, nothing. I would like him to try to prove that. I would have jumped at that opportunity. Next time I see my daughter this summer almost a whole year will have passed since last time I saw her. And I live long distance so court is hard for me to avoid it would be great.

The hateful treatment!! Give me a break! Telling a child not to talk to you that way or that they are being ungrateful is part of being a parent. I have never said anything hateful to her. Saying that I am cruel and neglectful. How dare he! Again very serious allegations!! Cruel and neglectful people don't try to have a relationship with their children. I have phone records, recordings and documentation to prove different. They deny me contact from her. I have gone 3 weeks before without getting to speak to her because they don't answer or tell her about my messages.

Should I reply to this letter or just file an order to enforce visitation or both? What else can I do? I know this letter was to get a reaction from me. Should I call him and try to get something on tape? I don't want to do something that will hurt my case.

I can't handle this. I love her!! This is breaking my heart. She is my only child but this child I talk to is not my daughter. I listen to recordings from last year about this time and she is totally different. No one can tell me that something isn't going on. I can understand if she is upset that she can't stay with me. I haven't had a good enough reason to go back to court for custody though. Nothing else in my life has changed. No new children, no new marriage, nothing. What do I do I'm desperate.  I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I am losing my child!!

[wendl]

File for contempt of denial of visitation, request time be made up, also request child start counseling.

Sorry you have to go thru this, it's wrong for parents to use children against eachother.

As for the adoption crap, no way in hell, and hmmm how would an 8yr even really know much about adoption unless someone was saying things

[butterflymackey]

Exactly! You wouldnt believe the things she knows that apparently according to BF noone is saying to her.

I am sending my papers for ORDER TO ENFORCE PARENTING TIME tomorrow. So I will see what happens from there.

How do I request she be put into couseling?

In the mean time...How do I talk to her? I mean what do I say? I try to talk about school, extra activities shes doing, upcoming events, holidays, past goodtimes, family, friends, her and I, etc. but everything I say she doesnt want to talk about or gets an attitude and says hurtful things. I know I cant be sensitive when it comes to the hurtful things a very confused, hurt 8 year old child says but I dont want to be disrepected. I also dont want every conversation to turn into a scolding. Which is how it has been. It's to the point where she even flat out denies my calls. She tells me she doesnt want to talk because she is busy. She tells me not to send her any letters because she doesnt want to read them. She has even told me she was home but didnt answer the phone (caller ID, Private caller block) because she was doing crafts with Stepmom. I have to admit, as horrible as it sounds, I dont want to call her. I feel like "Great what can I expect this time?" everytime I call. I dial her once or twice a week, usually only get to talk to her once every 2 weeks. Tried greater spaces in calls, got chewed out for not calling. Tried calling 1 week, writing a letter 1 week, I told you what happened with that.

ANY SUGGESTIONS?

[wendl]

Well with requesting a counselor, when you are infront of the judge ask him to have it ordered he will write it down.

Also as for talking with your daughter on the phone, try not to scold her, let her know you love her no matter what, she is 8, confused and we both know shouldn't be put in this situation.  As much as it hurts you, try to just talk about whatever, if she doesn't want to talk simply say "ok I will call you later I love you" keep re-enforcing you love her no matter what.

Just my opinion.

[Rysimps0419]

I agree with the other post. Keep telling her you love her no matter how she feels. Ask the courts to aapoint a Guardian AD LIDEM. They are the voice of the children, they in this situation might prove to be a lot better for her than counseling....Good Luck and never give up...she is just an innocent child in their warfare. Ver very sad.