6-year won't come because she is "scared" of me

[mrhankuk]

Last Sat/Sunday (17/18th) I had my kids over for the weekend. W and I are not divorced yet, but we have a settlement conference for this Thursday (29th).

When I had the kids that weekend we had a great time. Laughed, played, etc. They all hugged me, kissed me, told me how much fun they had, etc.

The next Weds (21st) I go to pick them up for my 4-8 visit. The oldest two, 6 and 4, refuse to come. They run around the yard, away from me. They have the look of fear in their eyes and admit they are scared of me!!??? I can't figure this out. What happened in 3 days to have the children go from one end of the scale to the next.

I know nothing is happening at my house, because I keep a 3rd party with us at all times.

Is it separation anxiety? Or is there something else happening that I don't know? I don't know how to prove something is happening, but I can't figure out what caused the change.

Any thoughts? How can I help them?

M

[Kitty C.]

Sounds like Mama's getting nervous about the settlement conf.  If there is no history (and from what you describe of the previous weekend, obviously not), then the ONLY explanation can be PAS.  If you have an atty., tell him/her NOW.  This will also need to be brought up at the settlement conf., cuz I think an objective 3rd party (counselor) needs to have a talk with theses kids to really find out what's going on.

Doesn't look like you'll be settling on anything anytime soon.  Do NOT agree to anything until this issue is resolved!  

[mrhankuk]

Thanks for the thoughts... Everyone I have spoken to agress that it is PAS. It'll be interesting to see what happens when I go to pick them up today. 20 - 1 odds are that at least two of them won't come.

How is this defeated? How can I help the children?

[Peanutsdad]

Sorry pardner,, but it sounds like you and the kids are now victim of mama's fears and you are the boogyman now. You terrible terrible man you,, yer prolly gonna take them away from mama and they'll never see her again. Gee willickers,, you prolly will yell at them and make them stand in the corner or beat them to a bloody pulp without poor poor mama there to protect them.


Welcome to the wonderful world of family court and lets mess our kids heads up.


As far as helping them, first you have to discover whats going on. Watch your soon to be ex for clues on this. If she appears smug,, yup, shes playin mind games. If she truly appears as perplexed as you, then a lot of this may be the seperation anxiety, or fears about the impending divorce.

First thing is to try to talk to your ex about it and see how willing she is to help.

[nosonew]

Start taking them to your own counselor, Do NOT tell the ex until her "stories to the kids" are heard without her input from a 3rd party who can testify on your behalf!  If there is NO court order stating you have to inform her of medical information/appointments with a psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, then DONT tell her!! She will scare the kids from saying anything!  Good luck and get on the ball on this one!

[mrhankuk]

Interesting comments.

She is always so smug. This is her second divorce and she really bamboozled the first guy. I think she thinks she can do the same again.

She always appears to be "in control". Although I know the minute I leave she is on the phone with one of her sisters, mom and ratting up a storm.

Talk to her? HA! When I asked her to update me on a the kids' schedules, she told me to take my concerns to my lawyer.

Thanks for the advice!

[mrhankuk]

Could you tell me how I would go about finding a good therapist, counselor for the little ones? Should I talk to my attorney first, and get recommendations from her?

Thanks for the advice.

[Peanutsdad]

Ok, I figured as much when you described the kids behavior.



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[nosonew]

I would suggest asking your attorney first, and if he/she is in family law, should know a good one.  Otherwise, you just have to take what you can find, unless you know someone who could refer you to someone. You could also perhaps ask a local pediatrician in your area if they know of someone.  Good luck!

[Rysimps0419]

A guardian ad lidem might be your best approach. I don't know what laws you have in your state but here in Florida the Guardian AD Lidem program is pretty good and they are your childrens voices. They are heard in court. I would try thatbefore a therapist or psychologist, might save you some money and most of all get to the bottom of this. Mediation sometimes help but it can be costly and they are not heard as much as the Guardian AD LIDEM....Good Luck