Contacted atty about sd not visiting...Not hopeful

[kim97]

Well, after getting some advice in chat the other day and reading the answer on FAQ about our same situation, I decided to contact an atty just to be sure.  He wasn't very optimistic and now I don't know what to think.

See, after dh got on to sk's a few weeks ago about things like keeping up on their hygiene and picking up after themselves, 14 yr. old sd got all huffy and told dh she wasn't coming back over here anymore.  DH told her that wasn't an option and it seemed the whole incident was over.  Well, last week bm calls and tells dh that sd is saying she won't be coming for visit.  DH tells bm that it shouldn't be a choice for sd to make, but bm is saying she can't do anything about it.  BM has extremely little control of sd.  SD appears to be the one calling the shots in that house... a tone bm allowed to be set years ago.  A year ago or so, when sd was 12/ 13 she got mad a bm and called her a bitch because of something bm wouldn't let her do.  When bm confronted her, sd threatened to hit her if she didn't leave her alone and then threatened to call social services because she knew she could come live with dh.  In the end, bm was the one crying, apologizing, and begging sd's forgiveness.  SD told me this story herself -- bragging included.  It's definitely been all downhill over there since then.  SD never went that far nor attempted to with dh.  Anyway, DH talked to sd about not coming for visit and he said she was repeatedly lying (nothing new...learned it from her mother) and coming up with excuses.  DH said it was clear, as we already knew, that sd was on a combo powertrip/tantrum and just trying to show him that she's going to get her way and not come over just as she previously told dh.

Well, although dh has his own atty, I called one of those legal advice lines today and spoke to an atty in our state and he told me that bm couldn't really be taken to court on contempt charges because she wasn't impeding visitation.  He said that a judge might get angry with dh for bringing the matter to court instead of working it out with bm and sd.  He also said that the most a judge may do is scold sd, but in the end the judge may just tell dh it's out of his hands and that if sd doesn't want to come nothing can be done about it????!?!?!  

DH can't work anything out with bm because she's not willing to make the tough decisions to keep her daughter in line.  Her idea of motivation is to punish sd only during the time she should be with dh (Fri.-Sun) and that only involves taking away computer and music cds.  DH asked her about taking away tv too and bm said she didn't want to take everything away from sd.  DH asked her what about punishment continuing throughout the week until sd did what she was told and bm hit the roof.  She told dh to just make the weeekend something for the boys to come home bragging to sd about to make her want to come for visitation.?!

This thing may fold quickly but if it doesn't (sd is very very stubborn) now what?

[nosonew]

Sounds like some family counseling is in order. I'd get on it asap.

[kiddosmom]

Councelling sounds in order.
At first you may want to leave her there though, make a big thing out of just the boys coming, let them go back and brag that sis missed out.
Sounds like some tough love is needed, wonder if bm will start acting like the adult.

[kim97]

BM told dh she wanted sd to go to counseling, but that sd refused to go. Of course, that's that as far as bm is concerned.  SD told her no so bm feels she can't do anything about it and at this point dh isn't getting sd to take her himself.  Plus, bm had kids on her medical, per court order, dh doesn't.  DH doesn't want to go out of his way to do activities above and beyond what we would normally do just so the boys will brag to sd.  He doesn't want sd coming back just for materialistic reasons.

[Peanutsdad]

Hmmm, sounds like ya'll got an outa control teen on yer hands, and a  wimped out no spine parent to boot.


I would suggest a lock down boot camp/therapy for the lass, but I seriously doubt her mom would go along with it.

With things the way they are, it really doesnt appear your DH has but 2 choices.

1. Try to work it out with mom to have sd come live with him for a bit and see if he can get her headed back down a better path,, failing moms cooperation, he could file a motion to modify custody.


2. SD doesnt want to come visit? Fine,, dont. And dont come back til you have a civil tongue in your head and a sincere apology. Time fer a bit of tuffluv.

[kim97]

:-) You're on track with my thinking P.  No, bm won't go for a lock down.  Like I wrote earlier she doesn't even want to take away the tv for fear of taking away too much from sd or continue some form of punishment throughout the week.

I told dh last night to perhaps think of going the route of letting sd do what she wants as far as not coming and that once he isn't playing a tug of war with her, since for her this is a control issue, and goes about his business of having nice weekends with the boys she'll be looking to come back soon.  Dh said when she does she'd better have an apology waiting!  

Yep, sd is in her teens and a freshman in highschool.  Things will only get worse but it isn't purely a teen thing.  This has always been an issue with sd.  This is just the first time it has gone this far--with dh that is.  When I met dh sd was 8 and that girl was hell to deal with then...used to getting her way, used to saying what she wanted when she wanted it and how she wanted it, allowed to constantly hang out with adults instead of the other children so that she thought she was an adult or on their level at least, constantly participating in adult conversation or listening in on it at the least, etc. etc.  You could just see in every day situations how sd constantly wanted things her way and how if she didn't get it there would always be some form of a tantrum.  Not a yelling screaming tantrum, mind you, but things like refusing to participate in family activities or manipulating the boys into saying they suddenly didn't want to do something we'd already planned.  That kind of stuff.  Yep, dh and bm are now truly dealing with the consequences (on a larger scale) of some bad choices in parenting.

[Peanutsdad]

YOU have my sympathy,, the two nitwits that created this monster,, are reapin what they've sown.

In this case,, theres a no win for the kid,, or for you.

[kim97]

nm