I don't know what to do.

[tulip]

Dh got custody of his kids a week ago. His motion for sole custody was filed on the basis of bm being a meth addict. At the hearing last month, as some of you know, she lied to the judge about it, and told dh that he would never get custody of the kids. They were both ordered to do ua's that day, and random ones until the next hearing. She tested positive for meth 3 times, and when she found out, she quit doing the random tests. The day she found out, she told the kids she is a drug addict and has been lying to them for years about it. Since then, she's told them that she quit, and wants to see them more, but dh will not let her.

She has not quit using meth, and admitted this to dh the day before the last hearing. She refuses to go to treatment. She said she would attend NA meetings, but every time dh asks her when she is going to start doing that, she just gets pissed. I realize this is not a drug website, but I am talking about it here because I am really concerned about the kids and her visitation.

The judge said that her visitation would be the same as it was before, and also said that if bm ever wants to change the custody order, she will have to go back to court and prove she's sober.

SD wants to spend more time with her mom, and keeps trying to come up with reasons to go over there a little here, little there (like needs help with homework.) Every time dh says no to this, she of course takes full advantage to make the kids resentful towards us, "See how mean he is? He's never going to let you see me. When I had custody, I let you spend extra time with your dad whenever he asked." (But she was always the one asking him to keep the kids more.)

Tues was her evening for visit with them, and she called dh 3 minutes before ss was dismissed from school and said she was at a friend's house and couldn't find her car keys to go pick him up from school. Then she spent her visit arguing with dh on the phone about picking up sd in the morning to help her study for a test. SS ended up going down to visit her neighbor, since she wasn't paying any attn to him. When they got home that night, we talked to them about this and told sd she can't just go over there whenever she wants to. We told them that she needs to get help, and until she does that, she is not going to spend any extra time with them. They were pretty upset.

I spoke to someone I know who is a meth addict that night. She is in recovery and has been sober for almost a year. I told her the can't find my keys story, and she said yeah, I used that one lots of times, just to stay and get a couple more hits. She told me bm should not have any visit at all with the kids until she gets cleaned up. In order for her to enforce visitation, she would have to take dh back to court, and she won't do that because they already know she is on meth. She also told me that bm is endangering those kids every time she drives them anywhere.

[Kitty C.]

What a sad case for the Skids.  Unfortunately, they don't understand the depths of addictions.  I think that's what's needed here.  Are they in any kind of counseling and if so, can you ask the counselor to help them to understand addictions and how it affects people?  Some way, some how, they need to learn.  I've dealt with alcoholics all my adult life and still don't understand the addiction at times, but I do understand most of it.  it will be even harder for them, but it's a place to start.

I think your friend is right, tho.  I think if anything, it should be supervised visitation until she's shown proof of rehab and has a consecutive number of clean, random drug tests.

[Peanutsdad]

you want to help the kids understand?

Have DH call an inpatient treatment center,, ask if he can bring the kids there to talk to staff AND patients. Let their stories help them understand. I'm betting they will start seeing the similarities.

[tulip]

I felt really bad after talking to the kids. I don't know how much I should be telling them. They don't get it, and I don't want to hurt them. The more I tell them how deadly this stuff is, the more they resentful they get, because we're keeping them from her. They believe she has quit, because that's what she told them, but dh and I know she is lying. I'm going to call tomorrow about counseling for them, and me. This whole situation has left me very depressed the last few months.

I can't get dh to agree that she should not visitation with them. I think it is partly because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He also is so afraid not to abide by the court order. She says she will drag him back to court, and he doesn't want to get in trouble. I know she will not do anything though, because she didn't show up for the last hearing.

Every time I try to talk to him about it, I feel like he is totally ignoring me, or we get into an argument. The friend I was talking to about it is my brother's girlfriend. They both went through treatment last year, and now my brother is running his own NA meetings for meth addicts. I'm going to ask dh to go to one of his meetings. I don't think he realizes how bad this is either. My brother's girlfriend said she couldn't tell me how many times she almost fell asleep driving her car with the kids after being up for many days.

[Kitty C.]

Tulip, tell your DH to come here and read!  Tell him that, for the sake of his children's lives, he MUST go to one of your brother's meetings.  Obviously he doesn't know either just how dangerous the situation is.

One more thing you might want to tell him, so that it finally sinks home:

If he ever turns those children over to her, KNOWING she's wasted, and something 'bad' happens, HE can be accused of negligence because he knew and did nothing about it.  It's happened before and not something to be taken lightly.