Doing homework on 3 hour visit

[mango]

Lately my SD has been instructed by her BM to do her homework while visiting with her dad and us for our (3hr) Wednesday visit. She is spending nearly the whole visit doing her homework, which she has plenty of time to complete afterschool at her mothers home.

Last night she "pretended" to have to use the bathroom, and was actually completing her homework in there. I thought she had stomach problems, turns out it was math problems.

Originally in the agreement, we were told that the Wednesdays were for visits and homework was to be done by the possessory parent, not the non-possessory parent. The non-possesssory parent should enjoy a short visit, for a movie, dinner, or playtime. Understanding some days she might have HW

We know the real reason her mother does it. It's simply to prevent her from enjoying her visit with her dad, filling her time while with us, so she is not really "with" us. She is good at doing that with our parenting time.

But what can we do about it?

[junglechicken]

First of all, it's jmho that children and parents don't "visit".  Children live with both parents.  Just at different times.  This is especially true if kids have all their own things at both homes, and they don't bring bags or suitcases back and forth.

Homework is a bit of an issue for me, too, since I believe it should be done after school also, not later into the evening.  Get that done, then play, is the way I was raised and the way I plan to raise my own child, should we be so lucky.  So the issue for me is mainly that it's not done, not that dh and I have to worry about it.  IMO that's a part of parenting.  I also think it's good for dad to see what kiddo is working on at school.

Homework doesn't have to be a method of ruining your time with sd, not if you don't let it be.  It can be a bonding time.

I don't know how old sd is, but I also think it's her responsibility to complete her homework in a timely manner, not her mother's or yours.  If sd is missing out on family fun while at your house, then she should be doing her homework before.

[mango]

Yes, I try to look at it that way too, it's still time spent together, but we have two little brothers and sisters that want to play with her. She is only there that night for 1-5 hours, discounting the driving. So she gets little time with her siblings who look forward to her being there.

Instead they have to be "quiet" so she can concentrate.

She is 10, and "should be respobsible" for getting it done herself in a timely manner.

[Troubledmom]

Since the chances of the Mother working for a logical solution to this matter is rather slim there may be some things that you can do to elivate the stress this problem is causing.

You do not say how old her SD's siblings are, so I am running on an assumption they are younger and most likely not having as much homework. Additionally you did not give the start and end time of the mid week parenting time, but the impression I got is this is most likely a 5pm to 8 pm type schedule.

So here are some ideas that I thought might help:

1. Younger children who are being asked to be quiet while a sibling is doing homework can sometimes be distracted by doing their own "homework". This can be drawing pictures, putting together a puzzle, reading if they have that skill, counting beans or other objects that won't make a lot of noise, remember to gear the "homework" activity to their age/development level.

2. Set a time limit for the homework. If your SD arrives at 5 pm then an hour given for homework should be sufficent. If she doesn't complete the homework, she will need to do so when she returns to her Mom's.

3. When doing #2, make sure Dad communicates with SD's teacher. Have him explain that SD's homework has greatly affected the limited time he has with SD, and he is setting some limits so that he does have some "quality time" with his child.
    Additionally, I have seen with many teachers an accomadation made when they see a CP using homework as a way to interfer with limited parenting time of an NCP.
    The KEY is to be active in her education through the schools, by communicating with the teacher, attending parent/teacher confrences, join the PTA at the child's school, volunteer in the classroom or on special trips, things that show the teacher Dad is active and involved and not wanting to deprive his child of an education at the same time balancing not depriving her of time with him.

Not a lot in the way of ideas but hopefully can help take some of the strain off your family.

TM

[DK]

I think the 1 hour homework limit is great!  My SS was taking the entire night to do homework, starting right after school.  We talked to the teacher.  Guess what?  The teacher said his homework should be approximatley 20-30 minutes and another 20-30 minutes to read.  The teacher highly recommended timing homework for 4th and 5th graders.  They need to start using time management skills.

We gave SS 1 hour for homework and 20 minutes to read (he is great at reading and writing).  We started out by taking 1/2 hour off each visit.  Four visits later he was down to the 1 hour limit.

The first night he only had 1 hour he did not complete his homework.  The teacher bankrupted him for the day for incomplete homework.  He learned very quickly how to focus, ask questions and get things done.  Homework and reading is now done in 1 hour flat almost every night.  

If it lasts longer than that we now know this is an area SS is having trouble and can help and allow extra time in this situation.  And this is when you do want to be involved.  Hope my story helps.