new with question

[raindropsla]

Hey all, just thought I would get some input on a question.  How do you all feel about split custody.

Little back ground. Hubby and ex been divorced nearly 4 1/2 years. I have been in his children's lives for 3 3/4 years. We met around 6 months after the split. The ex and I have had our battles. We used to curse each other every time we had to talk. Then one day hubby was being an a** over christmas holiday's and I called ex and tried to work something out. I have children and I understand wanting to spend holidays with them. She had to work on both X-mas eve and day. So we had about a 2 hr discussion. That was December. Since then we have done lunch, I have been invited to zoo with her and ex's children on my B-day. Kids are much happier now that we all get along.

     Now, my question...In mediation which both parties (us and her and her hubby) have decided to stop going. I spoke to ex recently and she and I agreed that in the near future we all will sit down like humans and discuss us having more time with children. Last thing discussed in mediation was an every other wed night - sunday evening. We currently have every other weekend and one evening per week. We have split holidays and summer. One week with them and one week with us during summer. My question is. Since children have been doing one week on one week off during summer and will most probably start the every other wed. - sunday during school year then why can't we try week on/week off even during school year. This is what my line if thinking is. She gets off at 2 in afternoon. She picks them up from school so even during our week she would see them every day. Now during summer time we alternate tuesday night over night so that each parent doesn't have to go whole week without seeing children. Since she would see them every day and then get overnight on Tuesday, why wouldn't this be a good idea. I have done the child support calculation for our state. In the beginning after they agreed to 352.00 per month, it was calculated at 329.00 per month. So for 3 years he has been paying over the obligated amount. They both make more money now so the amount that she should be getting now is around 415.00 Hubby has agreed to offer her 400.00 (an almost 50.00 / month increase) even if he gets split custody. Is this acceptable?

Sorry so long but had few statements and questions that were important to convey so that enough info is available for some good advice.

Like I said. The children are very well adjusted. They understand mom's house and dad's house. We all have even laid the rule that when they are here if they are grounded for something then when they get home they are grounded too and vice versa.

 My hubby is a good man that really loves his children. He is a good father and she is a good mother, you can really tell b/c those children are spoiled rotten with all the love they get.

                     Thanks for listening.....Raindrops

[tulip]

I think it's great that you can all get along and she is willing to give your husband more time with his kids. If we could all be that lucky... I think the question of split custody, then comes down to how well the kids would adjust to going back and forth like that. How old are they? How are they doing in school? How is that arrangement going to affect their schoolwork and activities? Do they have a real home set up at your house, so they don't have to live out of a suitcase? It's important for them to not feel like their "visiting" so much of the time.

Another question is why increase the child support to get more time with the kids? Is your husband trying to bribe his ex? If her concern is solely for the children's best interests, he shouldn't have to. If the only thing holding her back from changing custody is money issue, she doesn't have their interests in mind. While it's noble of him to say "look, the money isn't what's important to me," you need to consider the increased expenses. You will have to buy more food, clothes, school supplies. If they are in activities, your husband will be responsible for those costs. Believe it or not, more electricity, gas, and water will be used at your house. There is a reason people are ordered to pay support. It costs money to raise children.

I hope you and your family are able to work out a reasonable agreement. It sounds like you have a good start.

[raindropsla]

Yes, i get your point. I did think about that. The only reason my hubby told me he was thinking of offering her that was b/c he knew if she thought she would get a 50% cut she would never go for it. As a couple my hubby and I make about 900-1000 more per month than they do. The raise is probably inevitable at this time b/c by end of summer we want to have already given our attorney's a copy of what we all have come up with, and both he and she have gotten raises in pay so the CS is bound to go up.  He is afraid that if we work out even the every other wed-sun night and then ask about the reduction, she will think that was our motive all along and since we are all getting along he doesn't want to do anything to make her suspicous or angry.

  As far as ages. 5 and 11. kindergarden and 5th grade. At the end of the school year last year after the mediator metion starting some overnights during the school week just to see if we could handle the responsibility of getting them to school on time, it worked out great. Yes, the children have thier own room, closets full of clothes, dresser drawers, the whole 9 yards. Since she would be picking them up at school, she can continue to do home work or we can it would be up to her. We don't want to make her feel like she is giving away some responsibilities she enjoys.

   I know having them for a week would be an extra expense but I also have 2 children. 10 and 11. So since she will get hers after school, mine can come here for 45mins till I get home from work so no one will be paying day care. Since I have to cook for my crew anyway, I don't see that a very big deal. I did however think that being that 352.00 & 415 is only like 63.00 then maybe if we explained to her that we could ask for a visitation reduction but choose not too, maybe she will just stick to the 352.00 currently ordered. then no one is out any more or less money and he still gets to see his children more. I am a full time employee and will be going back to college for my RN in Aug. I took the summer off. I have 5 semesters left. His ex tried to go and had to drop out b/c she couldn't handle it. I spoke to her the other day and she is going to try an EMT thing next month. If she has to take off of work some to go to the classes, I just thought it would help her out not to get a reduction in CS at the same time. I, as a mother and used to be singe mother know how hard it is to raise children on money that never seems to last too long. We have always bought our own sets of clothing/shoes etc for children. Last year she was having problems getting supplies for school. She asked the judge in pre-trial if he could make hubby help her. (that was before we were getting along) judge said no that's what CS is for. I spoke up and told her we will buy clothing for our house for both children but since IF they do stay here overnight during school year, we would buy one of the children's supplies. That worked out great. She was very appreciative.

As far as school activities she has always just called and asked prior to enrolling them if we will pay 1/2. So that is not extra, we have always done it that way.

   I don't know if I will bring it up or not. Hubby suggests that we do try to explain how to calculate the true amount he should be paying now since the last calculation was 3 yrs ago and then explain all the other later. We both also think maybe we should just stick to the every other wed-sun in the beginning just to be sure we (me in college and working and coming home to 4 children, hubby, 2 dogs and 1 cat) can handle having them more than that. I think that sounds fair enough. the every other wed-sun on our weekends she has already agreed to so maybe it would be a good idea just to start there........