Parenting time for NCP only home on weekends

[apple]

Hi, I am new here. I am looking for imput from the other sides view. I am not married nor did I live with the BF. Was with him for 3 years, he left 1 week after the baby was born. He took me to court for visitation when the baby was 2 months old.

The referee gave us a Temp. order because he is only home for the summer. I have physical custody and he has parenting time. This order is over at the end of Aug. I have been trying to do a plan with him without the court. So far no luck, this is what happened the first time and we could not agree so the court decided.

Referee gave him the following. Mon, Wed, Fri 4:30p - 6:30p, alternating Sat and Sun 9:30a - 12:30p and 4p - 6p. It works out to 11 hours a week. She did the split so the baby could come home and be breastfed. 2 weeks after he started the plan he wanted more time. I said not yet cause he was having troubles with the baby. He called me to go over there 3 times cause he could not get the baby to stop crying.

Baby is now almost 4 months old, he continues to have problems with him. The baby screams the whole time he has him, he can't put him to sleep all he does is give him a bottle. The baby is not hungry and spits it all up. I spent several days with him trying to show him things to do.

He goes back to college for his last year at the end of Aug, it is 3 hours away so he will only be home on the weekends. He wants parenting time Fri 6p - 10p and Sat and Sun 8 hours each day. He wants every weekend. I have tried to get him to see the problems with what he wants but he won't discuss it at all. He wants what he wants, and if I don't agree he is taking me back to court.

I proposed Fri 6p - 8:30p, the baby is in bed at 10p. Sat 9:30a - 12:30p, 4p - 7p and Sun 4 hours. We would work up to 6 or 7 hours on Sat and Sun, doing away with the split time. My reasons for this is to ease the baby into the long periods, he has troubles with him now. I breastfeed and will have troubles getting this many bottles. I will also be going to college and will need bottles for that too. Baby cannot have formula he is allergic to it, and had to take him to the ER several times because of it. As the baby gets older he will be eating baby food and drinking less breastmilk, so the plan will work with that. My plan would only give him 3 weekends, so the baby can spend 1 with me and do things with my family. His plans excludes this, also I will not being spending as much time with him causes of my classes.

I have been flexable and changed several weekends for him. His grandmother died and I gave him extra time, took the baby up to the funeral home and to the luncheon after. I let him spend time doing things that I do with the baby. We can't seem to communicate at all, to me he only thinks about himself not what is best for the baby. His reason for leaving the relationship was because it was to hard and stressful on him. He is only 21 and should be out partying. His mother is the one pushing him on everything, she has caused so many problems for us.

I really feel I am being fair in my plan, it allows flexability for the baby and also for both of us. He says if I don't agree with his plan he is taking me back to court. I am not worried about that but what a waste of money. I also feel it is best if we could work something out ourselves. The referee last time didn't even ask either of us what we wanted. Our problem before was he wouldn't budge on what he wanted, my plan then was to ease the baby into it, he would have gotten more time in the end then the referee gave him.

He filed for full custody when he went the first time, but has it on hold till he is done with college. So I guess I am his babysitter for the first year while he finishes school, then he plans on taking the baby.

I would like to hear what others think of this and get some NCP views. I truly want to do what is best for the baby and have the baby's father in his life. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Kimberly9]

You seem very reasonable.  

As a NCP, I do understand why he would want to see his baby frequently.   I know you need time with your family, but 12 days is a really long time in between seeing Dad for the baby (and is what would happen with you having a weekend. )  I think if I were you, I would agree to him having every weekend (or maybe every Saturday, and 3 Sundays a month)-- and you spending time with him duing the week.  I know that is hard, but it is probably best for your son.   I would be VERY surprised if he wanted to come back 3 hours EVERY weekend once he got into the swing of college.  

Also, eventually when your son is sleeping through the night without nursing and Dad has a place for baby set up, you will want to work up to overnight parenting time for dad.  Not right away, but it is something to be thinking about.  Dad needs the freedom to parent in his own way.  As long as the baby is safe, different is ok.


I think your plan also needs to spell out extra time on holidays, breaks and summer vacation -- how will these be rotated.  You probably want to word that as specifically as you can to avoid having to go back to court each time.

[apple]

Yes I agree that 12 days is along time between visits. I did offer him every Fri, 2 full weekends and the other 2 he gets him 1 on Fri and Sat, the other on Fri. and Sun. He refused and said if he has to drive 3 hours he wants him the whole weekend. His way the child will miss out on all family functions with my family. People in my family work all week. I have school and have to support the baby. He pays no child support, that is another long story, I finally have given up on the idea that he will, so I filed for it last week. His lawyer told the court 2 months ago is was all worked out and he would contact my lawyer and set it up. That never happened.

Here the court does not start overnights till the child is atleast 18 months. I feel that we could start them before that if the child is ready. He does not agree, he wanted them now until figured out he won't be able to feed him. Yes he needs to parent in his own way. But we need to cooperate on things concerning the baby. The baby does need to be safe, but also the baby needs to be comfortable. I don't think the baby is comfortable screaming for 2 or 3 hours straight. He needs to learn about babies. The referee ordered him to go to the ped and learn about babies, he has refused. The child needs to sleep, he can't put him to sleep, the child only needs to be fed when he is hungry. The baby has alot of stomach problems, all the screaming and over feeding he does just adds to it. He can't even get the baby to burp. All of this I have witnessed, I have my baby screaming on tape with him. I have discussed this with him, I gave him a baby book, I have given him many articles on all of this, I went to the ped, she sent him pamphlets and instructions on feeding, burping and sleeping. He said he does not need to read any of it, nor go to the ped, what does he need to learn about a baby.

We do have the holidays and his college breaks worked out, all we could agree upon. It is only worked through the end of his college. He does not want to discuss further than this. Again he will be going after full custody when his college is done. I suggested we go to counseling together, he does not want to. I suggested we get a mediator to help with the parenting plan, he does not want that. I don't know what else to do.

This is so frustrating, to try and do things the right way. To give him and the baby fair time. When he won't discuss anything, or take into consideration the baby, he only thinks about himself. I am at the point of saying screw it, and going to court and fighting it out all the way. This is not what I want, but I have no other ideas of how to work it out. I can tell you if it goes to court, with what I have on him, he will end up with the standard visitation.

[Bolivar OH]

Do you work?

How much is CS?

What are your living conditions/arrangements?


From the sounds of things your War will be going on for a long, long, long,................ Time.  So relax, you will be in the war zone until peace is signed.

[apple]

At this time I do not work. I do not receive any CS at this time, I filed papers last week for it. I will be going back to work part time when I start school in the fall. I cannot get any state assistant, because they figure my parents income into it. All I can get is medicare for the pregnancy and for the baby. I have had no medical insurance for myself for several months now. I will have it when I go back to school full time.

I live with the baby in my parents home, along with my sister and brother. My parents just redid the basement so both of them have rooms down there. The baby has his own room next to mine upstairs. My parents do not charge me rent, helping me pay for college and have so far paid for everything with the baby.

He lives at home with his parents, his brother and sister. He only lives at home when he is home from school. His parents income is about the same as mine.

The state has also started a case against him for child support and for medicare for the pregnancy and for the baby now. He works when he is not in school full time and makes good wages, he already has his associates degree. He does not pay rent, or for his school, he only pays for his spending money. Neither he or his parents have given me any money or anything for the baby.

I know I am in the war zone, just trying to get the peace agreement signed as soon as possible.

[wendl]

I was in college fulltime, breastfeeding and supporting my son financially alone. My ex had our son every other weekend from Fri 6pm-Sun 6pm (this is very common) Which was fine as he lived with his parents who helped him with our son. Since I too was breastfeeding I had to pump and freeze my milk for while I was away at school and while son was at dads. Yes it was hard and tiring.  But in most states they usually award at least EOW with dad and holidays etc.

Maybe it would be wise if dad took a parenting class,  I know in my state anytime a court action is ordered for modified, each parent must take this class.

My son could not drink formula either, and after I stopped breastfeeding he had to drink goats milk, (ewww)

Anyway, yes your ex is young (like my was) but you need to give him time to figure out how and what to do with a baby, with some people ( mothers included) it isn't an instant on what they should be doing, so by taking some kind of parenting classes they may help him.

Now since you and your ex sound like you really don't get along, no matter what you do or say he will probably disagree, it happens all the time. Just try to be the responsible parent and draw up a fair parenting plan, if ex doesn't like it file the parenting plan with the courts and go to court over it.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[apple]

Thanks, I appreciate hearing from someone who has done this. I have no idea how you got that much milk. I pump 24/7 and only get enough for his visits now. Yes here they award the EOW also, but they do not include overnights with an infant, unless the father was the primary caretaker before.

I guess my frustration comes in cause I am offering him more then the EOW and he won't budge. I tried to get him to take parenting classes, read up on babies, go to the ped, gave him help and he does not want to do any of it. That is all fine with me, he is the one who has terrible visits with the baby. But the baby does suffer to, so I really want him to get better at it so the baby has better visits with him.

I already drew up the parenting plan and he turned it down. I just really didn't want to go to court when I am offering him more then he will get there. I am just trying so hard not to be one of those women who is just trying to screw the father over. I am at the point where I think he is one of those men. I guess I will just prepare for a fight. Get the courts to order him to parenting classes, it will be nasty, he already files his papers that he put on hold. They filed 44 pages of lies, funny thing is everything they said about me he has no proof on, but it is all true about him and I have the proof. There is alot more to all of this, the driving force behind his actions, is his mother. She wants all this, if she was not around he would not bother with any of this. But then again if she was not around we would still be together.

I truly feel he will be a big loser in this, but I guess if he wants it this way then so be it.

[skye]

I am a mother of 3 and a full time stepmoinster to 2.. It is hard when they go to visit you miss them terribly, BUT he does too and he has to be away from the baby all week.. they NEED to bond more than a few hours every few days , and with school around the corner that is NOT going to work anyway.. at the same time its hard giving up all weekend every weekend but still they need time too... at 4 months its not a matter of getting used to the visits.


Well the baby is 4 months old now correct? so you could implement with a formula like isomil, or another non milk based formula like augmentin... there are options.. my daughetr was allergic to formula too ( milk based) so they switched her and she did fine.

Why not give him Friday at 6pm- Saturday at 6pm .. I know its hard the baby is young and you are uncomfortable with her being away from you so young believe me we all feel it .... But honestly ask yourself .. IF you were still together would you deny him the right to get up and feed the baby in the middle of the night? think about how much you love her and then tell yourself he loves her just as much, and misses out on these moments....

and dont be afraid to call 50 times .. as a matter of fact let him know IF you come to agree to this it will take adjusting and you will probably bug him to death.. and keep supporting him .. be there if he has a question your child will be a better person for it in the long run...

good luck to you

[apple]

The baby has been on prosobee, isomil and augmentin, all with the same results, severe projectle vomiting with trips to the ER. Every other week I try with augmentin and the same thing happens. Only option is breastmilk, I know there are some more out there, but the ped said no to them and besides I could not afford them. He pays nothing right now and would not pay for the expensive kind anyways. I am pumping all the time, I get 7 4oz bottles per week, I take fenugreek and blessed thistle, they both have helped to increase to get the amount I get now. I will need at least 6 of these for college.  

At 4 months after he has had him for visits for the past 2 months the baby still is not use to going over there and he still has not bonded with him.

He will not take what you suggest, he wants the whole weekend if he has to drive 3 hours to see him. He is not asking for overnights, he agrees that that would not work out yet.

[Peanutsdad]

Ok, at issue:

He wants overnights,,, you breastfeed,, but cant pump enuff. Baby is allergic to the formulas you tried. Dad wont go to parenting classes for infants.

My older daughter had problems with formulas,, after 3 months of solid screaming and tummy problems,, I discovered the common ingredient....corn products.

I looked for a formula with no corn in it at all.....Nursoy. That was the first time that child slept.

If you are having trouble pumping enough now,, I suspect that when school and work start, along with dads visits,, you will really find yourself in a bind.


Want to get dad to do the parenting classes? Make them a condition on overnights. Then you see if dad truly WANTS to be a parent.
Find a formula that baby CAN tolerate,, for one, I dont think you'll be able to pump enough, for two, feeding baby consistantly,, ie bottles,, will help.


It sounds as if you are trying to be reasonable,, within a framework. What may need to change is the framework. ( ie,, feedings)

Dad is reasonable wanting overnights,,,but is unreasonable in not taking parenting classes or considering that you BOTH have limited time due to school.  THAT needs to change.

Whether you two CAN work it out,, is the question. Right now from the sound of it, I'd say not.



Just a sidebar to consider.....
I find it odd that we can send newborn infants to "daycare" all day long and let strangers care for them without concern ,, but no way can we let a ncp care for them. I'm not accusing, nor charactorizing you in any way, just making a social comment ;)