Daughter had overnight visit w/her dad.

[gr8Dad]

Your excuses and reasoning behind what you are saying are CRAP.  Sorry, it's a FACT.  What will you do if you ever have to move?  Will the child sleep at the OLD house for a few months?  What if you go on vacation?  Better not stay in a hotel, THAT would be a strange place.  God FORBID you ever visit a relative out of town, cause you will have to be in a STRANGE place.

Of COURSE she felt a little weird staying at Dad's, it is a NEW place.  But HOW can she "get used" to staying there if you don't allow her to STAY there until she gets used to it?  That is called a CATCH 22, and it is crap, plain and simple.

[Brent]

Easy, Hoss. :)

>Your excuses and reasoning behind what you are saying are
>CRAP.  Sorry, it's a FACT.  What will you do if you ever have
>to move?  Will the child sleep at the OLD house for a few
>months?  What if you go on vacation?  Better not stay in a
>hotel, THAT would be a strange place.  God FORBID you ever
>visit a relative out of town, cause you will have to be in a
>STRANGE place.

I have to agree with this....the reasoning isn't valid. Things change, and Gr8dad may be a bit more errr 'spirited' in the way he says it, but I agree with idea of what he's said.

[Kitty C.]

Every new situation takes time to get used to.  Even kids going to a new daycare.  Because of the sporadic way the father has exercized his visitation, it just makes it more prominent.  having her take along things from home that make her feel more comfortable should be a must, but to deny her any nights with her father seems counterproductive and will only draw out the process that much longer.

When DH and I first moved in together, SS had to sleep on the couch whenever DH had him for his weekends.  There was absolutely nothing we could do about it, until we moved, had an extra bedroom, and the money for his own bed.  And this took about 6 months.  Yes, he was uncomfortable and I'm sure he didn't sleep as well as he would have at his mother's, but the whole process was a transition period for us all and we made it thru just fine.

It's instances like this that built self-confidence and character in kids.  I truly believe that the reason why DS is so adaptable to new things (even being severely ADHD, which is rare) is because I never shied away from change with him.  It's a trait that will hold him in good stead throughout his entire life.  Where else do children learn adaptability and self-confidence but from their life experiences?  JMO, but to deny that experience would seem detrimental to a child in regards to their overall growth.

[tulip]

Actually, we are getting ready to go on vacation this month. My daughter is very excited about it. And she has had an absolute blast all the times we have gone camping together, not had any trouble going to sleep at night. If she is uncomfortable sleeping in a strange place while we're on vacation, she will be sorrounded by the people who comfort her every day of her life. Not a bunch of people she doesn't know. And she has slept over at friend's houses and not come home crying about it.

I really can't believe that it is so shocking to all of you that a six year old child might need some time to get to know this new family. I have seen lots of people on this board suggesting to other parents that when a parent who hasn't been around for a long time suddenly shows up, they should take things slow and work up to longer to give the child a chance to get to know them. But that's crap if I suggest it huh?

I don't know if anything horrible happened the night she stayed over there, but I know she was crying. I don't believe for one second the suggestion that she might have been crying because she thought I wanted her to. She wouldn't try to worry me more about something she knew I was already concerned about if she was happy about spending the night there.

I also know that her father is an alcoholic who recently lied to me about his sobriety. He has been to treatment at least two times because of his 3 DWI's. He told me he was sober after the last time he went to treatment, and a month ago I saw him sitting at the bar drinking at a restaurant I was having dinner at. I also know that before our daughter came into our lives he used to throw me around the house when he was drunk, and that he and his last live-in girlfriend used to keep our daughter awake in the middle of the night fighting when she stayed at there house.

I get the message. I should force my six-year old daughter to sleep on a couch or floor where she is so uncomfortable that she can't get to sleep to be fair to her father who hasn't even had time to call her for two years. I should do make her do this because it will make her a stronger person, and because when he drops off the face of the face of the earth she will know it was him and not me.

[SLYarnell]

You have been told nicely.. you have been told strongly.  You believe you are right and unless you get validation you dont want to hear it.

You are as much of a problem to your daughter, if not more, than her father is... you dont want to hear it so this will fall on deaf ears but thats the way it is.

The best of luck to your daughter, she is gonna need it!

[Stepmom0418]

I agree with you!! She doesnt get it at all and I am finished talking b/c she isnt listening! She thinks she is right and no one is going to change her mind. That is obvious! One day she will see that we were all right and this will bite her in the a$$! Her daughter will blame her and then that will be her consiquense for her actions!

I wish the best for her daughter and I hope that the day will come that she can have a relationship  with her father that she deserves to have!!

[msme]

>She wouldn't try to worry
>me more about something she knew I was already concerned about<

The above quote from you, sums it all up. How would a 6 yr. old know you were worried about her going there, unless you told her. No parent has a right to voice their personal concerns about such things to small children, or any child for that matter.

Children should be sheltered from all the bull$$$$ that surrounds divorce, custody, & visitation. All she needs to hear from you is that you love her & her daddy loves her & you want her to enjoy her visit with him.

I just had to drop my 3 grandchildren off to an evil witch, who I know for a fact will mentally tourment them for 3 hours, & then when I pick them up, I will have to deal with their pain. I gave each one a hug & a kiss, told the that I loved them & told them to have fun.

Do you think that was fun? Do you think that is what I wanted to do? Hell no!!! But it is the right thing to & so we will keeping doing it until such a time as the courts realize that she should not be in their lives. Grow up, & quit playing the "She's mine" game. She is not yours, she belongs to both of you & you need to make her feel that & love being loved by both of you.



You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[Rambler]

"She couldn't sleep because she was uncomfortable.  That's enough for me."

This is really too bad, because you are giving your daughter the wrong message..

"I have never tried to keep my ex from having a relationship with our daughter."

That is exactly what you are doing right now, and you are justifying it.

"I'll admit that I would like this man to stay out of my life and leave us alone."

That shows.  And it shows to your daughter too.  My ex is very much like you are, and she has worked hard over the three years to destroy my relationship with my children.  Yes, I am different than your ex in that I call every single bleeding day, but only get to speak to them once a week, maybe if I am lucky.  I hear the same things (oh it is for the kids, I am sticking up for them, etc. etc. etc.) but all she is doing is growing a sense of displacement for hte kids.  Very very sad.

[Forthelittleones]

It is a well known fact that children learn from their parents.

If you are uncomfortable, then she will sense that and try to appease you.  She lives with you ALL the time.  She has to keep you HAPPY.  Therefore she will do/say whatever she thinks you want to hear because she wants you to be happy.

Think what I am saying is crap?  I have about 10K in THERAPY bills and psyc bills to back this whole "theory" up.  My SD was 3 when Mom insisted she was not comfortable, mom asked the child "do you want to see that man" or him or whatever substitue you want to add.

Just keep doing what you are doing and eventually, one day you and her will grow up.  You may have the first 18 years but you wont have that much more OR maybe you can be the weekend parents if Dad decides he wants to pursue custody.

The child needs to feel love and warmth about going to Dads not your dread, anger, etc.  

The only person who loses here is the child.

[tulip]

I felt emotionally beat up and really, really, depressed after reading some of the posts, and stayed far away from my computer for a few days. But I did think about this a lot. I thought about how my father was a lot like my ex when I was growing up. But my mom never told me or my brother what a jerk she thought he was, she just was always there for us encouraged whatever relationship he made time for. I've always had a lot of respect for her for that. When I was about 12, my dad and his then-girlfriend decided they wanted custody of me. This was the beginning of a really bad fight that I can still feel the affects of at 31.

I didn't realize until now that I was starting to do the same things I hated about my parents as a teen.

My family has been through hell the past two years, and I have always been able to find compassionate advice here. On this issue, I feel like I got totally ripped apart, but I guess that's what I needed.

Even though my ex has been a really sorry excuse for a father, I don't believe that he has ever said anything negative to my daughter about me or my husband. I am very angry with him for the way he has neglected her all her life, but I understand now that I have to find a way to keep that anger far away from her and let her love her dad.