Daughter had overnight visit w/her dad.

[tulip]

My dh warned me about this. When my ex called and wanted to take dd for a 3-night visit after not even calling for three months (and not for three months before that time.) He said won't she feel uncomfortable after not seeing him for so long? Well, the first time he called we got into a HUGE argument. I told him a lot of things I'd been wanting to for a very long time. He got to see her from Sat morning til Sat night. When he dropped her off, he said "I'll see you in two weeks." to her, didn't say anything to me about it.

 Two weeks later, he asked to take her Sat night until Sunday night, because he had to work Saturday. I let her go Sunday after church until Sunday night. I went outside to talk to him when he came to pick her up about how he needs to talk to me about his intentions, not her (she's 6.) He got really mad and told me I should let him be father to her, that this few hrs every two weeks is bs. He does not even call to talk to her ever! I don't think he's trying to be father. Anyway, before his temper tantrum, he told me pick her up from his house that evening, so I could see where he lives. (I told him I'm not going to let her spend the night anywhere if I don't know where she's going and who lives there.) So I did. He lives with his new gf and her two daughters in a very small brand new townhome.

Two weeks later, he calls Friday night and asks if he can see dd this weekend. He wanted to pick her up after work Sat and keep her til Sunday. DH thought it was too soon, but dd wanted to spend the night with him the first time. She has missed her dad. He told me he couldn't bring her to church, because he was going to spend the night at his mom's house with dd, but told me in the future when he has her on Sunday mornings he will take her to our church so she doesn't have to miss it. Sunday, when she came home, I found out they did not spend the night at his mom's house. I told dd she looked tired, and she said she did not get any sleep. Then she gave me a big hug and started crying and said "I really missed you a lot last night." I told her I didn't think she should spend there for a while and she agreed.

[Stepmom0418]

Ok I am going to be honest with you about the way this made me feel reading your post. I am not a person who wants to cause problems or arguements but I feel I need to express what I am thinking.

First let me ask, what happened during this over night visit? Did dd say what was so wrong? Did dd say what she didnt like?


I have a ss and my dh was refused any kind of a relationship with him till last year. BM and her mom refused him to take ss anywhere and we always visited under their supervision. During that time SS called dh by his first name and rarely called him dad. Of course this was hurtful. We now have eow and ect in a co. ss has changed so much and he enjoys his visits although his BM still insists that he is scared of Dh and doesnt like comming here.

My question to you is: Is it possiable that dd is telling you what she thinks you want to hear?

I dont know alot about your situation but I have some serious questions about what you said above b/c as far as I am concerned any child should have the right to have unlimited contact with both parents unless their is abuse or drugs involved. (and even then there is ways around not allowing contact such as supervised visits)

Please do correct me if I am wrong but this is how I am feeling about the above.

[SLYarnell]

...

[joni]

You sound like a very caring, cautious and conscientious mom.    I agree with stepmom's prior post.  I think your DD might be picking up on your concerns and anxieties.  If you and your current husband were to try to show a united front, she would draw strength from your support, not fear from your apprehensions.

This is her dad and sounds like he's really trying to make a concerted effort.  One of two things will happen, he'll either step up to the plate this time and be a constant in her life or...he'll drop off again.  Give him enough to hang himself.....but it doesn't mean you have to help shove him off the edge.

Give him a chance to be with her father and the chance for him to be her father.  This won't diminsh the role her stepfather has in her life.  Isn't this what you want...for your child to have her bio father in her life?  Be happy and supportive.

[SadStepMom]

I have a couple thoughts on this also.  First of all I have a four year old with my DH.  Due to work schedules, our son spends some days with DH, some with me, and a couple with a babysitter.  When son is home with me, he sometimes cries that he doesn't want to go to the babysitter, when he is at the babysitter, sometimes he cries because he doesn't want to go home.  And when he has DH days, he sometimes cries because he wants to have more DH days.  (Occasionally we get luck and have days that DH and I are both off)  

So I think it is perfectly normal for her to cry because she missed you.  Now if she tells you something happened at her dad's that gives you concern, that is another thing.

" I told her I didn't think she should spend there for a while and she agreed."

I don't think this is something you should talk to your daughter about, I think this is something to talk to your ex about.  You two need to make a decision and then inform your daughter.  She shouldn't shouldn't have the choice or have to make the choice, that puts her in a spot.

I hope you give your ex all the chances in the world to have a relationship with your daughter.  She will benefit greatly!

[tulip]

I don't think it's her decision either, whether to spend the night there or not. I just told her that I was concerned about her having an overnight visit because I thought it would be hard for her. What happened is that she couldn't sleep because she was uncomfortable. That's enough for me. So she needs to spend some more time with these people and get more used to the place before she tries to sleep there again.

I realize I may sound overbearing and controlling. I have never, ever tried to keep my ex from having a relationship with our daughter. He has walked in and out of our lives since she was born. I have told him since day one that he could see her whenever he wanted and that it made me really sad that he chose not to take advantage of the opportunity. He has never tried to find out where she goes to school, what other activities she likes, what kind of books or music she likes. He doesn't know her at all, and that's by his choice.

I'll admit that I would like for this man to stay out my life and leave us alone, but I love my daughter too much to tell her I feel that way. If he really wants to be a part of her life, I'm not going to stop him. I just think he should take it slow. He thinks he can disappear for months and years at a time and then come back and act like no time has gone by for her. I also believe that it's only a matter of time until his current relationship fails, and then he will drop out of dd's life again too. This is a pattern for him.

Thanks for your advice. I really am trying to do the right thing, and that's why I posted here about it. I don't want to let my anger interfere with my daughter's best interests.

[forthekids24]

From what I have read in you posts you are a VERY caring mother.

I do however need to point out that you are being a bit hypocritical.

You said that you told your ex that he needs to talk to you about his intentions, not her.   Right?  How can you justify making a statement to a 6 year old that you don't think she should spend the night there?  Isn't that kinda the same thing?

Please, please, please don't take this as a slam, but I think you need to step back and be supportive.  I know it is difficult, but it is her Dad.  If you are stressed out and make negative comments about her time there, she will pick up on it.  Especially at this age.

I have learned that as much as I dislike what happens at the other home, I have no control over it.  I have to let the other parent, be a parent.

Vent to us about how worried you are and how you don't like it, but not to her.

Hang in there, it does get easier, but you still worry just as much :)
FTK

[msme]

how you are feeling. When a child says they are not comfortable, we want to fix that. You chose the easy fix, by saying that maybe she shouldn't go there anymore.

I personally think that you could have responded better. When she said she didn't sleep because she was uncomfortable, your response could have been, "Wow, I know how hard it can be to fall asleep in a strange place. How about next time, we pack your pillow & blanket & teddy so it will feel more homey. I'm sure daddy will understand."

It felt like you were saying the problem was going to daddys, not just sleeping in a strange bed & room. Make sure you jot off a short polite note to him saying that next visit, DD would like to bring her sleep things cuz she had trouble falling asleep in a strange bed. Adding that you are sure this just a temporary thing till she gets used to things.

I understand how difficult it is to deal with a person who has screwed up so many times in the past, but it is still better to take the high road.
At this point, you can still do this. Sit your DD down & say that you had been thinking about her feeling uncomfortable & you have figured out why. Then go into what I mentioned above.

Keep her trips to dads, a positive thing. If he messes up, she will know it was him, not you. The older she gets, the more she will understand & what you want her to understand most is that you love her enough to realize how important it was for her to form her own relationship & opinions with dad, & she will.

Good luck & God bless.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[Stepmom0418]

I was not trying to attack you or make you feel as if you need to defend yourself. My purpose was only to shed some light on the way I felt when reading your post. A child needs both parents and a child deserves to have a parent that will support a relationship with the other parent.

I just think that this should be handled in a diffrent manner. You made the comment to the child that maybe she should not go back and stay at daddys for a while. If she was upset at a daycare providers house would you have suggested the same after one day with the childcare provider? I doubt it that childcare would stop daycare because your daughter could not sleep there or she was uncomfortable after only one day. I think you should give the father that much as well. He deserves to be a part of the childs life and the child deserves to have her father in her life.

Children that are supported do adapt to change very well and this could be a positive change for your daughter.

What the other poster said about sending her with her teddy and her pillow and blanket, that would show your daughter that you are supportive with her having a relationship with her father.

[tulip]

Yeah, I guess that is kind of hypocritical. The reason I said that to her, though, is I really wanted to know how she felt about it. I will ask her again before her next visit.

I didn't say she shouldn't go over there anymore. My suggestion was that she come home Saturday night to sleep, go to church Sunday, and then go back to her dad's for Sunday afternoon and evening. She really liked that idea. (He only lives about 15 minutes away.)

Her problem wasn't just sleeping in a strange bed. There is no bed there for her to sleep in. I really just think she needs to get more comfortable in that house before she tries to sleep there again.

Also, I would be very open to her dad visiting her more days than every other Saturday and Sunday. This should be fairly easy for him since he lives so close, but he doesn't even call to say hi to her between visits.