Let The Games Begin (Long)

[jilly]

For the past few years, DH and PBFH have been co-existing somewhat peacefully regarding parenting time.  DH has been getting EOW and they alternate holidays. Every once in a while there would need to be a change due to family events and those were accomodated with minimal to no fuss. PBFH has sole physical custody and they have joint legal custody.

We found out 2 weeks ago that PBFH and her husband had separated and are getting a divorce. Now that she doesn't have to try to prove that DH is the one who causes problems (which I'm sure her soon to be ex has figured out that she's just as much to blame as my DH!), she has decided it's time to start back with her games as relates to DH's parenting time.

This is PBFH's year to have SD for Halloween. The way the "schedule" falls out DH would have her that weekend.  When we dropped SD off last Sunday PBFH brought up this issue and DH said we would just swap weekends. We would have SD on the weekend of 10/15 - 10/17 (regularly scheduled weekend) and again the weekend of 10/22 - 10/24 so that SD would be there with PBFH for weekend of Halloween. She then made the comment "Then I'll have her 2 weekends in a row after that?" I normally don't insert myself in these conversations, but my mouth went in gear before I thought and I stated that because DH would have had SD for Halloween this year, but that it was her year to have her, all they were doing was swapping weekends and that it would go back to the normal schedule after that. DH said he'd talk to her about it later after he had a chance to look at the calendar.

When DH had a chance to look at the calendar he was going to propose the following parenting time:

DH: 10/15 to 10/17; 10/22 to 10/24
PBFH: Halloween weekend
DH: 11/05 to 11/07
PBFH: following two weekends prior to Thanksgiving
DH: 11/24 to 11/28

The reason for giving PBFH 2 weekends in a row in November is to have the parenting fall to where DH has SD for Thanksgiving as it's our year to have her.  The same situation is going to arise in December because it is PBFH's year to have her for Christmas.

DH called last night and talked to SD for a few minutes and then talked to PBFH. When DH told her the above schedule she was not pleased. She wants to have SD Hallowee weekend and the following weekend. Now it seems that there is a family reunion that weekend that she wants SD to attend.  She also sees DH having SD two weekends in a row as him getting an extra weekend. Huh??? They're just swapping for pete's sake!! It ended with PBFH hanging up on DH, calling back later and then hanging up on him again. Somewhere in all the fighting she made the comment that what she was proposing was fair.  Not the comment to make to DH!  He went ballistic and said "What is fair about any of this? You see her every day! I see her 2 -3 times a month to what comes out to be 1 full day out of those 2 - 3 times a month. She's my daughter too. Tell me how any of this is fair?" That's about the time she hung up I believe.

I told DH last night that he should send her a Notice of Intent to Exercise Visitation and send a copy to the Clerk for the file. Now, here's my dilema: the current Parenting Plan isn't worth the paper it's written on. There is no schedule setting out visitation.  The Order reads as follows:
"Child will reside in the primary care and residence of her mother and spend time with her father as his schedule permits." (At the time this was written up DH was working different shifts so he never knew when he was going to have a weekend off). "Parents will alternate all major holidays, however, if the designated parent must work on his/her scheduled holiday, child will spend that holiday with the other parent. The holiday schedule will remain negotiable between parents with the following exceptions: Mother's Day/Father's Day - child will spend time with the honored parent. Parent's Birthdays - child will spend time with the honored parent." See what I mean? It's crap.

I was reading over the SPARC letter and if DH used it, it would need to be modified to fit the situation. BUT, I'm not even sure he COULD use it since there's no Court Ordered Parenting Time Schedule. What he'd like to see happen is: we set out in the letter that DH will have SD weekends stated above. That DH agrees to PBFH having SD for the next two weekends so she can have her for Halloween and so SD can attend family reunion. That DH will then have SD for the following three weekends, which constitutes making up for missing his normally scheduled weekend, his normally scheduled weekend and his time for Thanksgiving. I know that this will most likely make PBFH go ballistic and she will refuse.  The CO states "Both parents agree that when a parent requests a change of schedule that will impinge on the other parent's time, they will need to compensate for that time within a reasonable time frame." I'm thinking the above proposition meets that requirement.

So, to my questions (finally!):

1.  Since DH and PBFH have been adhereing to an EOW/alternate holiday schedule of their own accord, will the Court look at this as being their ordinary course of dealing even though it's not in writing and hasn't been court ordered?

2.  If we send PBFH the Notice of Intent to Exercise Visitation and she refuses to let DH take SD for one of the three weekends in a row could he charge her with contempt, even though there is no court ordered parenting time schedule?

3.  Anybody got any suggestions? LOL

Thanks!

Jill

[Peanutsdad]

Precedent has been set with the schedule they have been following,, BUT,, it's not the court order. She technically doesnt have to work with him at all with that one.


What it DOES give him, is a good standing to file a motion to modify based on the pattern of visitation.

[jilly]

I drafted a proposed Amended Parenting Agreement this time last year which would supercede the current Agreement since it was filed in 1999 when SD was 2. She's now 7 years old and the Agreement I drafted takes into account situations that will arise as she gets older. DH gave this proposed amended Parenting Agreement to the PB last year in hopes (HAHAHA) that she would at least discuss any areas she had problems with. Of course THAT didn't happen and she now knows what we would go after. I love DH but sometimes he just doesn't think! I've tried pushing him to go back to Mediation with this modification but we just haven't had the money. (I know...$75.00 Mediator fee ain't that big but we've had a tough time financially for the past couple of years. DH gets paid by the hour so he doesn't get paid for any time missed from work). It finally boiled down to me just dropping it because in the end I can't MAKE him do anything. He's going to have to get to the point to where he's ready bite the bullet on that one.

So, if I understand you correctly, sending a letter of his intent to exercise visitation would be a waste of time since it's not court ordered? That his ONLY option at this point is to file for modification of their Parenting Agreement?  

This may be comparing apples to oranges, but, the way I see it, we are swapping weekends with her so that she can have Halloween this year. She is then wanting to modify parenting time even further by having SD 2 weekends in a row so SD can attend family reunion. To her, this is justified because DH is getting "extra" time with SD by having her 2 weekends in a row, so, consequently, SHE should get SD 2 weekends in a row. There is a difference between swapping weekends and requesting a change of schedule, which is what the weekend of 11/05 - 11/07would be.

According to the current Order, "parents are aware that they cannot make plans or scheduled activities for child on the other parent's designated time without the prior consent of the other parent."   She made no mention of a family reunion until last night. She could have brought it up at the same time she brought up Halloween weekend. She even asked DH if he wanted to call her Grandmother to verify there was actually going to be a family reunion that weekend. LOL

To me, this is making plans for SD on DH's designated time. He doesn't consent to this time so, if she refuses to let him exercise his parenting time that weekend can he file contempt?  Or should he just document this, let more pile up and THEN whap her with contempt?

The Order also states that "...when a parent requests a change of schedule that will impinge on the other parent's time, they will need to compensate for that time within a reasonable time frame."  Therefore, DH could consent to letting PBFH have SD 2 weekends in a row with the caveat that he will have her the following weekend to make up for the time he is giving up, plus have her the weekend after that as it would be his normal parenting time, plus have her from the evening she gets out of school for Thanksgiving to the Sunday evening before end of Thanksgiving break. Or, would he be better off just letting her have the weekend for the family reunion, have SD the following weekend, PBFH have her the weekend before Thanksgiving and DH have her for entire Thanksgiving break? Confused yet? LOL

Thanks for your response and I look forward to the response to this post.  As you've BTDT I greatly appreciate and respect your comments and suggestions.

[Peanutsdad]

See Jilly, thats part of the problem,, this order is so vague,, his ex can shoot holes in it as she sees fit.



At best right now, it sounds like the letter of intent is a bluff,, but hey, I've won big poker pots on nothing but a bluff.



Esentially, the paragraph that states about make up time,, is addressing where an agreed visit has been planned, and didnt happen due to the other parent.


""The Order also states that "...when a parent requests a change of schedule that will impinge on the other parent's time, they will need to compensate for that time within a reasonable time frame." Therefore, DH could consent to letting PBFH have SD 2 weekends in a row with the caveat that he will have her the following weekend to make up for the time he is giving up, plus have her the weekend after that as it would be his normal parenting time, plus have her from the evening she gets out of school for Thanksgiving to the Sunday evening before end of Thanksgiving break. Or, would he be better off just letting her have the weekend for the family reunion, have SD the following weekend, PBFH have her the weekend before Thanksgiving and DH have her for entire Thanksgiving break? Confused yet? LOL"""


Yes ... and no...unfortunately LOL


I think the best answer to this,, is what he CAN work out with his ex,, and try to keep SD happy at the same time.  LOL, you know Ive bent over backwards for my ex,,, and sometimes it's just better to be as flexible as possible.


Personally, I would give her the back to backs,, and then take my make up time as you outlined.

One word of warning tho,,,,,dont be surprised if she backs out of honoring the agreement after she gets what she wants. Should she do that,,, I'm afraid I would have to advocate biting the bullet and going back to court to modify the visitation. ( I still think you guys should do that anyhoo).

[joni]

Try not to take her attacks on your family too personally.  I think this woman is an emotional mess due to her pending divorce and obviously taking out her emotion and frustration on your family.  Her 2nd marriage failed and your and her EX have a wonderful 2nd marriage.  Your good marriage is rubbing salt in her wounds and failures.

You might want to pick your battles and take the higher road.  I would give her the benefit of the doubt and accomodate her for October and November.  If her crap continues into the New Year, I would drag her back to court.  She just might surprise you when you respond positively to her and cut her a break.  It may take the wind out of her sails.  Right now, she's just taking out her frustration on you.

[jilly]

She was like this BEFORE I met DH.
When they separated she got a RO on him, refused to agree to any offer made on the house, which caused a foreclosure, didn't pay the power bill so power was cut off and food left in brand new fridge went bad and ruined the fridge, cleaned out their joint checking account, cleaned out DH's savings account that was in his name only, she and her father broke into DH's parent's house and attempted to steal not only items that belonged to DH but tools belonging to DH's father. (I say attempted because DH's parents came home and caught them with the stuff in her father's truck), destroyed an old timey radio that had been DH's grandmother's...the list goes on and on with this woman.
She is a vindictive, spiteful bitter person.
I do agree that she is doing this because her 2nd marriage is breaking up. She had someone else to focus on and pour out her venom. Now that person has left so she's directing it back at DH.
She tries to bully DH, which she was successful in doing until I appeared :D, but when she sees DH standing his ground she usually backs down and waits for the next time.

[jilly]

Well thank you Mr. Ray of Sunshine! LOL

You can see why I've been trying to get DH to get this "Agreement" (gotta use that term loosely!) scrapped and a new one in place.

I have to agree that the best answer may be seeing what he can work out with her.  In the past when she's tried to bully him and he's held his ground she's caved in. Whether that will be the case now or whether DH will try to be flexible on this is anybody's guess! LOL

Thanks for the suggestions!

[ready4change]

Boy, she sounds like our ex-monster.

If I understand the order correctly, she is entitled to Halloween this year.  An easier solution may be to just let her have SD on Halloween day but you keep her for the rest of the weekend and then keep all other weekends on the routine schedule.  This way your husband only misses one day of visitation which will even out when he has her next year.

It does sound like it is time to get an order spelled out to the letter, it appears the ex is in the mindset to be difficult.

[jilly]

The Order only states that they will alternate MAJOR holidays. Like I said in the beginning, it's really not worth the paper it's written on. They have just always alternated Halloween. When we finally do get the Order modified I have put every holiday known to man in there! LOL
We originally were thinking that we would just take her home early on Halloween day but PBFH said that the church group was going to do something, Brownies were going to be doing something and she didn't know what the County was doing since Halloween is on Sunday this year. That's why we decided to switch weekends.

PBFH called yesterday morning to advise that her grandmother's sister had a stroke so now there's not going to be a reunion. So now it goes back to the way we had originally wanted it. DH has SD 10/15 - 10/17 and 10/22 - 10/24 (DH's birthday weekend anyway so that works out!). PBFH has her for Halloween and then DH has her 11/05 - 11/07. PBFH will have her the next two weekends in a row and DH has her for Thanksgiving. She wanted to discuss Christmas as well since it's also SD's year to spend Christmas with the PB but DH said let's get through Thanksgiving first.  We'll have to do the same thing for Christmas as we are doing now.  DH will have to have SD two weekends in a row in order for her to be with PBFH.

Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions!

[Kimberly9]

and just took your SD back early for trick or treating on Sunday night.

Give PBFH the holiday. . . trick or treating time -- but not the whole weekend.