Bipolar ex problems

[olanna]

"but he needs to be healthy to be able to form any kind of positive relationship that my son can be proud of."

So, kids that make a weekly trek to the jails and prisons to see their mom's or dad's don't have a positive experience because they can't be proud of their parent?

[Peanutsdad]

I also deal with an ex who is bipolar,, not on meds, a lengthy history for suicide attempts, mult arrests for DV.


My heart goes out to you.

[frust123]

Just ask yourself that question... Can you have a positive experience from something you're not proud of???

Is there some sort of rule that I'm not aware of for being on this site?
I was under the impression that this might be a respectful place to gather info or at least constructive critisism. So my question for you olanna is why are you here responding to a post with such disrespect just because you may not agree with it? If you don't think I have a valid issue, then you no longer need to respond to it.

FYI: I am not looking for validation, but rather some sensible possible advice from people who may have been through a similar situation.

[Stepmom0418]

I had have an ex husband that has been a violent criminal and has just been released from prison on a drug charge. I have been through alot of issues with the things he has told our 2 children as well as the children have seen a great deal of domestic abuse situations. He played some serious mind games with the children and yes it did bother them for a while as they did not know who to trust.

Now let me tell you that these girls love and care about their dad deeply! There was a period after our seperation that he was required to have supervised visitation. I believe that it actually did more harm and gave my ex more ammunition to use against me with the girls. He always told them that he couldnt take them to the park because it was my fault and I make him stay and be supervised. I was always the bad guy  in everything.

Now things are alot diffrent. My ex and I are now sharing our girls! He is trying to get his life on track and as long as he maintains living a drug free life I will see to it that he sees his children whenever he chooses or the girls choose and as much as he can! I will not put a limit on the time he spends with them because he has already missed out on so much due to a drug addiction problem and that also causes a mental problem too.

My point for telling this story is that people change! Keep the child safe from harms way but don't take the child away from dad or dad from the child! We as parents have to put aside our feeling and allow a meaningful relationship with the other parent as much as we may see the relationship as being somehing that may damage the child. Throughout life children are faced with all sorts of ups and downs and this may be a down but there may be a time in the future that dad changes.....trust me I know ........I NEVER thought that my ex could change but he so far has proved me wrong! For our childrens sake I hope he continues to prove me wrong as they love their daddy dearly!

Think about the damage to the child if they grow up without a father! I grew up not knowing my dad and I would wish that upon NO child Ever regardless of how "good or bad" dad may be! Put your feelings and anger aside and let the child know dad!

[olanna]

How have I been disrespectful to you by stating my own thoughts? You came here to a public message board and asked a question, to which I responded. And yes, I do believe you are looking for validation in your decision to curtail your child's interaction with his Dad.  Doesn't mean because I believe this, I think you are wrong in looking for the validation.  We all need different things at different times. I think you have already made up your mind on how you intend to handle this situation by the statements you have made. You don't want to hear anything that opposes that view..and it's fine if you don't. But don't expect that everyone that doesn't share your opinion or ideas isn't going to give your their own...;)

And to answer your question about the pride thing...I don't base positive experiences on pride. I view everyone and everything as a learning situation where I can gather some type of knowledge from whatever experience I have. So, as long as I learn, it is positive.

And really, you, like anyone else on the board, don't have to the right to pick and chose which posters get to respond to your questions.

You don't know what my experiences are in life. You don't know if I have had to deal with someone just like your ex...

[frust123]

Thanks for the reply.

I hope the future does hold changes for my sons father. As for the supervised visits at my parents house, they have many options of things to do. My parents are willing to accompany them on outings, which they have done some of. (Golfing, fishing, bowling, movies) These times mostly my father goes with them. In the recent past I have allowed a couple of overnight visits at my parents home. At this point I have now stopped the overnights, but he is still allowed every other weekend 8am to 4pm Sat and Sun.

But now that the illness is so acute, he didn't even remove his coat the whole last overnight visit. I have tried to tell him I think he needs to go back to the dr. but he won't even acknowledge that he is having any problems.

I'm not angry with him either, I just want him to get some help before he becomes a danger to himself/others. Before its to late for the future to be different.

[Stepmom0418]

>Thanks for the reply.

You are welcome.
>
>I hope the future does hold changes for my sons father. As for
>the supervised visits at my parents house, they have many
>options of things to do. My parents are willing to accompany
>them on outings, which they have done some of. (Golfing,
>fishing, bowling, movies) These times mostly my father goes
>with them. In the recent past I have allowed a couple of
>overnight visits at my parents home. At this point I have now
>stopped the overnights, but he is still allowed every other
>weekend 8am to 4pm Sat and Sun.

Change CAN always happen! My ex and I have been divorced since 1997 and seperated before that so it may take some time but it CAN happen! I hope for the best for you, the child.
>
>But now that the illness is so acute, he didn't even remove
>his coat the whole last overnight visit. I have tried to tell
>him I think he needs to go back to the dr. but he won't even
>acknowledge that he is having any problems.
>
>I'm not angry with him either, I just want him to get some
>help before he becomes a danger to himself/others. Before its
>to late for the future to be different.


Have you considered trying to get the courts to order counseling for your ex and your son? I say your son too because if what is going on with your son then it may be in his best interest to have someone other than you or his father to talk to. Plus a professional can also make recommendations to the courts as well. Maybe supervised visits in a facility with a professional might help as well. Most people are on their best behavior when in front of a professional.  I would think that your ex would not say things to the child that are not true if supervised by a professional. IMO
>
>

[frust123]

Would you knowingly put your child into a situation like this just so he might learn something from it?

To this point I have not curtailed his court ordered visitation, if my mind was made up I wouldn't have posted any questions.

Have you had to deal with a similar experience? Did it include your childrens lives/wellbeing? How did you deal with it?

This is the kind of info I am looking for.

Thanks

[frust123]

Thanks for the suggestions, it has been helpful for me to get some outside of the situation ideas. I will be taking into consideration.

Thanks again.

[frust123]

Thank you.

How do you deal with it?