SDs don't want to come

[oklahoma]

I know I've read posts about this before, but it is a new situation to us, so I want to ask again.  What, if anything, can you do if the children say they don't want to come and CP does not want to enforce the parenting plan by making them come? (BM doesn't care that the parenting plan she agreed to and signed 2 months ago specifically states that SDs cannot decide if they want to come to our house.)

My SDs are 11 and 12 years old.  We had no visitation for 2 years because of false allegations of abuse.  Finally, after all kinds of counseling and supervised visits, we had 2 months of the regular EOW visitation.  Then completely out of the blue, SDs called to say they didn't want to come down for the weekend, then they decided not to come down for Christmas.  We have not heard from them at all since the Monday before Christmas--they didn't return my husband's calls on OSD's birthday, didn't call on Christmas or New Year's.  My MIL has been seriously ill in the hospital (same town as SDs) for 2 months and they have not once gone to see her.  It's as if they have just tossed ourt family aside like garbage.  (How do you explain that to their 4-year old brother?)

SDs are too old to just pick up and bring them to our home, especially with BM wanting to "validate" their feelings (apparently she heard *something* the counselor said, not much else.)  My husband has put the responsibility on their shoulders.  He told them they must call him when they are ready to continue a relationship with him.  My husband is very good at putting issues aside and moving on with his life, but this is one area that he cannot do that in and doesn't want to.  Is there anything else to do?



(Conveniently, the weekend that SDs first chose not to come was the same weekend we recieved notice that my husband's CS was dropping nearly $200/month, based on the increased time at our house....  We are still waiting to hear if BM will appeal the decrease.  She told my husband once that she doesn't care how much he pays, just so long as he pays something, but she sure fights whenever the ordered amount has decreased.)

[Kimberly9]

of the new agreement.  There Mom is.  It is her job as CP to get the children ready for the time with their Dad.  She is not doing this.  She is violating the order.  

I would have dh send a letter of intent to excercise visitation and then file contempts if necessary.

[patton]

Be sure to document each denied contempt.  Is the ex telling you they don't want to come or are the daughters actually getting on the phone and saying "I don't want to see you or come".  Either way RECORD/TAPE all conversation if possible.  

I don't know your state so you'll need to check on the recording laws there.  There's a link on this site to check it out.

DOCUMENT everything, send CRR letters.

[MixedBag]

Like Patton said.

Particularly given the history.

If the order is over (usually 30 days), she can't appeal it anymore and neither can you.  

So start enforcing it.

[stepmomtwo1]

my sd did this same thing when she was nine. She lived with bm and did eow with us. One weekend she was really nasty and dh made her sit time out...a real tragic thing for her since punishment was not something she was used to as she always got her way all of the time.

Two weeks later dh goes to pick her up and her mom said she refused to go because I was mean and her dad was mean when he was with me (please...she was a spoiled brat and all she did was sit time out).

Dh went back a couple more weekend when he was suppossed to have her and every time bm met him at the door and said sd was not interested in coming to our house any longer.

Dh couldn't call her because bm was on the phone every time so there was no contact at all. We thought after a while it would grow old and either bm or sd would contact us but my mil started getting sd on our weekend (another family member that spoiled the brat to death and gave into her every whim ) and she took her to dinner and hotel sleepovers and shoppping so coming back to our house and a family where she was = to every one else would never look good again.

That was 81/2 years ago and all we hear now is what a horriable dad dh is and how he never really loved his child (from the x and her family) and the child has suffered the worst. Without us in her life to give her some disapline and stablitiy she has grown into a really rebellioius teenager who runs the streets, sleeps around,stays out all night (since she was 15!)  and has been pulled from school because she was failing and the teachers had no control over her (imagine that...couldn't be because she was never made to respect authority could it??). Her mom tells everyone that she's such a bad kid because her dad just forgot about her. ??

The worst thing dh and I ever did was let this go. Your dh's x is in contempt and can go to jail for with holding your rights of visitation. Don't let her get away with this it's wrong. Your not the bad person but that is how everyone will see it and that is what she is wanting to do I would bet.

I'm sure if you didn't give her child support your but would be in a sling faster then you could blink your eye so don't let her get away with this. It's wrong and the kids will be the ones to get hurt.

[gipsy]

Here's the deal In wash state , the mother is the parent and the children are not , Mom is to have them ready . She has probably coached the children and there will be a problem because you have let the crap begin . The parenting plan should be changed so the transfers are at a neutral location or the police station , My cousin just had the same problem . I bugged  Him till he filed contempt And I then showed up at Moms relatives with a video camera at the pick up , Of course the child was all upset , and My cousin had to tell 13 yo daughter to get into the car , tears and all , The wierd relatives didn't want to cooperate , so I put the trusty video camera up and turned it on, and all the nasty words and nasty Middle fingers sheepishly went down , I used a video camera very successfully in My case also , People behave on camera very differently , And don't even believe  the kids don;t want to go untill you spend some weekends with them with out mom present , As I urged My cousin file contempt . He did . And This all straightened out . A word about contempt , The court won't be likely to just find her in contempt the first 1 ,2 or 3 times , But its the process you have to proceed with , Secondly , If you were denied visits based on allegations , I would file contempt and write that this had been Moms history and you finally got your visits back and now this , And ask for make up time , DONT let this happen , My cousin is glad he listened to me and his visits are all straight , My atty tells it like this
   " Parenting plans are not self enforcing " You have to go ask the commissioner to enforce it ! See my other post . I have been through the ringer also with the false allegations , DO NOT QUIT ! file contempt . Talk to a good atty interview several , My case is done . I come back here to help support people through this nightmare when the other parent does this to the non custodial , READ MY OTHER POST !!