Unstable Mother Lives in Another State

[The Ulrichs]

I am Brooklynn's (3yrs) Grammy. She lives with my son, her dad, and with my husband and I. We have just been through the most rediculous hearings. My son has custody of Brooklynn but the courts have given her mother 2 weeks every quarter plus 6 weeks in the summer. The problem is that her mother lives in Arizona. So Brooklynn's Dad flys Brooklynn down and comes home and Brooklynn's Mom flys her back and goes home.

We can not fathom why the courts would do this to a 3 year old child. Brooklynn does not understand why her Mom doesn't live by her or why we keep taking her to her Mom's and then leaving. When she returns home from Mom's she is a monster, screaming, distressed and totally uncooperative. Normally she is a wonderful kid, loving and outgoing.

We have proof which we tried to show in court that Mom is doing drugs at least including marijuana and pain meds. Also she is not taking her anti-depressants regularly. She is a compulsive lier and is trying to make money by prostituting. The courts just DO NOT CARE!!!! They would not allow the information in court because of a technicality. All we are asking is that they give Mom a drug test to see what is in her system. If she could just get some help we wouldn't be quite so upset about Brooklynn going.

We also do not understand why the courts think it's okay to make Brooklynn go down to Arizona instead of Mom coming up here where Brooklynn has lived for the past 3 years. If you think about it Brooklynn goes through abandonment with each visit. Daddy leaves her and then Mommy leaves her and she gets pissed. It's no wonder we have so many screwed up people in this world. The courts seem to have no regard for this poor child and we have to assume there are many more out there.

We are going to start investigating a guardian ad liteum to see if we can get advocation for Brooklynn. Are there any options now that the custody trial is over?

Grammy

The Ulrich Family

[Avaya]

Grammy, not considering the drug thing (since the court wouldn't hear it, I just can't give credence to it in my answer either), I don't see anything wrong with the arrangement.  Brooklynn deserves a relationship with her mother and her father.  If they've chosen not to be together, then that means the relationship has to be forged apart from one another.  Since mom lives in another state, then that requires that Brooklynn go there to visit her.  You can't expect a mother to drop her life (job, family) and come to Brooklynn's home for 6 weeks in the summer and other visits during the year.  Ideally, parents would stay married to each other if they're going to have kids together.  But when they choose not to, then compromises have to be made.  Yes, Brooklynn is going to be confused and she's going to have a hard time adjusting, but stopping the visits isn't the answer.  Making the best of a bad situation is all Brooklynn's parents can do.

[joni]

NOT CONSIDERING THE DRUG ALLEGATIONS....

You cannot fathom why the courts would want to promote a daughter to have a relationship with her mother?

Taking mom back to court to challenge a recent decision with the court will only annoy the judge, make you appear litigous and uncooperative as a custodial parents, who's responsibility it is to foster the child's relationship with the noncustodial parent.

I agree with Avaya, Grammy.  We live in Chicago, my stepdaughter lives in New York.  She flies to Chicago every other weekend to visit with us.  Mom was the one who moved the child away from us.....but that's another story.....a very complicated story.....but anyway......

My DH would die if he wasn't able to see his daughter.  It's IMPOSSIBLE to have a bonded relationship with a child, seeing that child only at summer and winter breaks.

She's 7 y.o.  My husband flies out on Fridays to pick her up and the mom comes on Sundays to bring her back home.  Sure it's expensive, but you can't put a price on a relationship with a child.  My SD lives for her visits to Chicago.

I feel your darling granddaughter is feeling the resentment about her mom.  If you want to be a custodial grandmother, you must be ambivalent with regards to your feelings about the mother.  It's not fair to your grandchild.  This is the time your grandchild needs unconditional support.  A child of 3 is prone to temper tantrums.  Part of her behavior now is typical for her age.  I'm sure when she's at mom's she's throwing temper tantrums about not seeing dad and you (although mom would probably never acknowledge this to you for fear of losing her visitations).

Your proposal of mom living by you 2 weeks, every 3 months and 6 weeks in the summer will certainly drive this woman into prostitution.  What kind of job is going to let this woman do this?

Being a custodial parent means a ton of responsibilities.  I would give up everything we have if my husband could be a custodial parent to his daughter.  We've just about bankrupted ourselves to get that visitation schedule and to fight for custody once already.

Children deserve both parents in their lives.

[backwardsbike]

Hi!

I have to agree with the others on this one.  I just wanted to add that  alienating a child from her parent is very damaging in itself.  Certianly more so than her current confusion.  The behavior changes you are seeing are pretty typical for a child of that age in transition.  It may well be the same if the mom lived just across town.

You seem like a concerned Gramma to me.  I can see that you love Brooklynne.  You may also be hurt because of what your son has been through with the divorce.  I don't think we ever stop hurting when our kids hurt no matter how old they get to be.

Have you ever thoguth of getting your family some education to help with this most difficult situation.  Family counseling could help your granddaughter with her adjustments and you and your husband and her dad to deal with your feelings as well.  Family counselors are well versed in what is normal for children at different stages of their lives.

Brooklynne stands an excellent chance at being happy but your son and his former partner are each a part of Brooklynne.  If she is made to feel badly about her mom ( even inadvertently) she will not be able to help feeling badly about a part of herself.

In divorce we must love the kids more than we hate each other.  I am a NCP mom.  It is really not my fault.  I do not do drugs.  I am not a criminal.  I am a nurse and have a college eduation.  I have criminal and child abuse clearances.  I have other children living in my home.  But I miss my older two.  No others will ever replace them.  No matter how busy I get I never for an instant forget that they are not here.  Their dad and Sm alienate them.  Unfortunaely, they are insecure people who want to repalce me in my childrens lives so that they can forget that I exsist.  But as I am fond of saying:  A birth certificate has only one line for mother and one for father.  Once your name is on it it is there forever.  It cannot be erased.  I chose my ex to be the father of my children.  I saw the best in him them.  Now I must remember that.  I try to remember all the good in him and share that with my kids.  He chooses not to do the same and they children are paying for that.  They are stressed and anxious.  They often do not know whom they should trust.  If is unfortunate.  Do not allow your granddaughter to feel this type of pain.