out of state visitation schedule?

[cavaor]

Going to court in a couple of weeks and are needing to propose an out of state visitation schedule.
Quick background: Bio Father has sole custody (he is married) and NCmom has visitation. The parents were never married and father always lived out of state. The currenty visitations have been suspended temporarily due to an abuse investigation against the NC mom and some of her family members. This was reported by child's counselor. This is not the first investigation to occur but there has not been enough evidence to prosecute, etc. Will be proposing resuming visitation but as supervised.
The child is in school (full day Kindergarten). Parents live 8 hours away in separate states.  The last visitation order had the child visiting every other Thus-Sun (hence missing one day of school to attend a daycare) in addition to every other holiday, etc. The standard KY visitation for if the parents live close. Parents exchanged at a half way point at 7pm Th evening and 7pm Sun. Child did not get home till 11pm or so and had to get up for school at 6am the next day. In addition, the NCmom refused to have child do her homework, have a bedtime, etc. We are also concerned about the NCmom having the child for long amounts of time in the summer because 1) there have been past problems with excessive bug bites, etc 2) Ncmom has been court ordered that she cannot take child to doctor without father's permission and this could pose a problem with extended visits in summer. 3) child is an honor roll student and we are concerned she will not be worked with academically at all over summer (when we got her at 3 yo she was at least one year behind on development) 4) child indicates she doesn't want to visit (has told teacher, counselor, us) but is too young to be heard by Judge in that state according to judge.

Father now works 2nd shift (3pm-1:30am) with T,W, Sat off and wife
is a medical school with a very variable on-call schedule. His shift has recently changed and not by his choice.  NCmom works 8-5 (we assume) at a daycare M-F.
Can anyone recommend a visitation schedule that will work?

[Kimberly9]

I have read your situation and I am very sorry. Your current schedule is not working for the little girl at all.  You CAN brainstorm and figure out a way to make it happen.  You have to because you are the CP and it is your job to facillitate (read encourage) the visitation.

You can't put the daughter in the middle.  Even if she says that she doesn't want to visit, you have to give her a hug, smile and tell her that she doesn't have to worry because it has all been worked out with Mommy and Daddy.  She certainly can't be asked her opinion.  That is too much to put on a little child.  You need things spelled out in writing so that there is never a question. A well written court agreement is the backbone of normal relations with the ex -- everyone can refer to it to see what they are suppose to do.

I live 4 1/2 hours from my stepson. His mom moved him away when he was about 1. So, I've done long-distance with a toddler. My ss is now 10. So, he has grown up with it. He has a good relationship with all 4 of his parents, but it took us getting over these humps.

What you have outlined as restrictions and problems does NOT leave enough for a real relationship with Mom.  Once a month, you or your husband might have to adjust your work schedule to facillitate visitation.  That is what you need to do because that is what is best for your daughter. You are going to have to open up your mind and think outside of the box.

I think that the summer is an excellent time for your daughter to have extended time with her mother and make up for the lack of day to day contact over the school year.  You can break it down into 1 and 2 week periods.  Father could give permission for a doctor visit if there was a need and you could send lots of bug spray.  A six year old can put it on.  As far as not working with her academically, you should be commended for making up for lost time between 3 and 6.   I don't think that several weeks in the summer with mom will set her back.  Even if it sets her back a little academically, it is more important emotionally for her to have a chance to relate to her mom in a real parenting type environment.

I spent so much time on this post because I believe your daughter needs time with both parents.  Please try to put yourself in her shoes.  Yes, you need to fix the problems, but you can create time as well.

Here are thoughts on a parenting plan -- some of it could be adapted to work for you:

A. xxx shall spend a minimum of one weekend a month while school is in session with her Mother from the day school is out at 7 PM until the day before school resumes at 4 PM.   These weekends will be set around xxx's school breaks and in-service days so that parenting time occurs over 3 day weekends whenever possible.  Father will send mother a school calendar as soon as it becomes available, but no later than August 1,  with the parenting time for the school year marked.

B. xxxx shall spend 7 weeks of the summer with her Mother.  The parties will meet at noon during the summer to make the exchanges.

Unless it is mutually agreed upon in writing by both parties by May 10th,

a) xxx will spend two weeks with her Mother beginning the Saturday following Memorial Day.

b) xxx will spend one weeks with her Mother beginning the fourth Saturday in June.

c) xxx will spend two weeks with her Mother beginning the 2nd Saturday in July.

d) xxx will spend two weeks with her Mother beginning the 5th Saturday in July (or the 1st Saturday in August if there is no 5th Saturday in July).

C. Unless otherwise agreed, the Parents will meet at the xxxxx _____ to begin and end parenting time.

D. It is understood the times each Parent shall be with xxx can be modified by mutual agreement of the Parents. Such modifications are to be made in writing. It is understood that partial or reduced parenting time is more beneficial to xxx than no parenting time. Should valid reason occur, such that one Parent is not able to exercise his/her entire parenting/vacation time or custodial period with xxx, make up time shall be allowed and agreed upon in writing. Both parents shall cooperate in supplying xxx with the full advantage of time with the other Parent.

E. The parents agree to the following Holiday and Vacation schedule. Holidays, vacations, and special days will have priority over the regular schedule.

a) All school holidays that fall on Friday or Monday, not otherwise specified will be spent with the Parent having xxxx on that weekend.

b) xxxx will spend each Labor Day weekend with her Mother beginning on the last day of school and continuing until the evening before school resumes at 4 PM.

c) xxxx will spend each Fall Break weekend with her Mother beginning on the last day of school and continuing until the evening before school resumes at 4 PM.

d) Thanksgiving vacation: xxx will alternate Thanksgiving weekend between the parents beginning on the last day of school and continuing until the evening before school resumes at 4 PM.   Her  Father will have xxxx during the even numbered years. Her Mother will have xxxx during the odd numbered years.

e) Winter vacation: xxx will alternate the holiday time of the Christmas period between the parents.  xxxx will spend the Christmas period from December 23 at 4 PM to December 30 at 4 PM with her Mother during even years, and with her Father during odd years.

f) xxxx will alternate the non-holiday time of her Christmas break between the parents.  xxxx will spend the Non-holiday time  beginning on the last day of school and continuing until December 23 AND beginning on December 30 and continuing until the evening before school resumes at 4 PM with her Mother during odd years, and with her father during even years.

g) Spring Break vacation: xxxx will spend 7 days of her Spring Break vacation with her Mother.   The parents will meet on the Saturdays of Spring Break at noon.

h) Easter vacation: xxx will alternate Easter weekend between the parents beginning on the last day of school and continuing until the evening before school resumes at 4 PM. Her Father will have xxxx during the even numbered years. Her Mother will have xxxx during the odd numbered years.

i) xxx will spend each Mother's Day weekend with her Mother.

j) xxx will spend each Father's Day weekend with her Father.

k) xxx will spend each Memorial Day weekend with her Father.

l) xxx will spend each 4th of July weekend with her Father.


The way this would look for your daughter under our school calendar:

September 04 -- 3 day Labor Day weekend with Mom
October 04 -- 4 day Fall Break weekend with Mom
November 04 --  3 day weekend when kids are off on Friday for pt conf.
December 04 -- 7 days for Christmas, December 23-30
January 05 -- 3 day weekend over MLK holiday
February 05 -- 3 day weekend over President's day holiday
March 05 -- 7 days for Spring Break week  AND because Easter is early
                  3 days over Easter weekend
April 05 -- 3 day weekend over teacher inservice
May 05 -- 2 day weekend over Mother's Day

Summer 05 time with Mom would look like

Saturday June 4 - June 18   -- 14 days
Saturday June 25  - July 2   -- 7 days
Saturday July 9 - July 23   -- 14 days
Saturday July 30 - Aug 13   -- 14 days