What should I do?

[fladad]

I live in florida my three children live in N.J. I havn"t seen them in 11/2 years and have been paying weekly child support voluntaraly for 11/2 years.There mother won't let them come down because she dosn't want my children around my new girlfriend,who they love.She keeps saying come up here to see them but dosn,t want me to bring her, and now she as brainwashed them into believing she is mean and bad and wants to take them from there mother.Which is NOT true at all! I have threatend her with court and told her the judge would make the decision whether they could come see me and  my girlfriend.She says no judge in there right mind is going to let the children leave the state nor force them to be around someone she dosn't want them around.I msut take action there is problems with the seven year old in school to the point of him seeing counsilers psycologists,and talk of ADHA.I just think he needs to spend some time with his father.The five year old boy not so much,the three year old girl miss's me and loves to talk to me on the phone.Does anyone know any real good south jersey attorney's

[Kimberly9]

You should find a good attorney and file to have parenting time spelled out in a court order.  Once you have a specific order, you can hold her to contempt for not following through.    Don't threaten with court, just do it.  It is not in your kid's best interest to be kept from you.

Judges make children leave the state every day, and unless your girlfriend is abusive, she can't control that either.

Before this gets spelled out you should probably go see them -- even if it is on your exes terms -- to re-establish contact and to see if you can help the 7 y.old.  You could do this when you are setting things up with an attorney.  Kids need a dad.  Start focusing your efforts on the kids -- call them regularly, send packages -- keep communicating.  Get a judge to order parenting time.  You can do it.

[joni]

Yes, get an attorney to get a court order in writing.  Your Ex cannot control who your children see when they're in your care...unless they're in danger and the judge would decide otherwise.  

Keep in mind mom might raise and stink and the judge could prohibit your girlfriend from being overnight when your child are staying with you.  She may have to stay in a separate hotel room.  Just something for you to anticipate.

I agree with the prior post.  This stand off with your Ex about your GF, although wrong, will reflect poorly on you in court.  It would appear that you put your GF ahead of your children.  You should be eating crow and doing whatever it takes to see your kids...even if it means excluding your GF until you get the court order.

What were you planning?  Going to court and saying to the judge "Your honor, I haven't seen my kids in over a year because my ex wife won't let my girlfriend come with me to see them so I chose not to see my kids?"

You think the judge will sympathize with you on that?

[reagantrooper]

1 1/2 YEARS SINCE YOU SAW YOUR KIDS! WHAT ARE YOU THINKNG? IF YOU WANT TO BE A BIG PART OF YOUR KIDS LIFE YOU MUST:

1. Move back to NJ ASAP to be closer to your kids regardless of the cost.

2.Start seeing your kids on a regular basis so you can reestablish your Fatherly relationship with them.

3. Get a good attorney.

4.. Fight with everything you have to see your kids and to PARENT them.

Good Luck!

[Kboeds]

Fladad,
   You are getting some good information so far except for the last post.

Let me tell you my dh story.
Kids and ex in MI.. dh visitation was set at every other weekend in the ex's home.. I know WHAT WAS HE THINKING!!!!! He knew it was time to be out of that relationship and she asked for the divorce and he gave her EVERYTHING she asked for.
DH left MI after the divorce with the cloths on his back and that was IT! He moved to NM where he had family to support him through the split with the ex. He took a bus because he gave ex the car. He was never allowed by the ex to get any personal belongings, and rather then fight with her, he just left it all behind.

Needless to say, everyother weekend from over 1000 miles away was not going to happen, not to mention having to spend the time with the ex in order to see his kids. He was very depressed, and the ex had made him feel so quilty about the failed relationship that he honeslty felt that his kids were better off without him in their lives. (Ex made sure he felt that way)

When I came into dh life, I told him that him and his ex don't matter and what happened between them has nothing to do with him being a father to his children. The only time he spoke to his kids was when ex let him after spending a hour telling him what a low life he was and how he had ruined hers and the childrens life. (He tried not to talk to them very often so he didn't have to deal with that)
I encouraged dh to call his children reguarly no matter what his ex said or did.. I told him she will eventually get tired of it. Also I might add that dh and I were together for over 1 1/2 years before ex or the youngest children ever new about me.  

So, in November 2001 two years after dh left MI, dh filed with the MI friend of the court for visitation modifications. In his request dh listed the current visitation and why it was not workable,(ie living in TX now some 2000 miles from children.) then dh listed what he wanted in the future. (ie.. longer holiday and summer in TX instead of in Ex's home.)

EX told him the same thing your Ex did.... these kids will NEVER leave the state of MI and no judge will make me!!!

Now... in dh request, we knew going from nothing but phone calls, then immediatey to two or more weeks away from BM was not in  the Best Interest Of The Children. So I would suggest that when you submit your request for visitation changes you do this.

Dh listed in his request that he felt it would be in the childrens best interest to begin having visits in MI with the children for a period of time before bringing the children to TX.

Judge agreed... it was and is expensive having visits with them. The original papers stated that dh was to see the kids during all school vacations. (ie Christmas, spring break, etc...) Only prob, was that the judge said the amount of time was to be agreed on by the two parties. (Ex doesn't agree on anything that isn't in the papers.) For the Christmas immediatly following the hearing, ex took the kids to CO to visit family, judge said dh was to go to CO to see the kids. Dh drove 36 hours to and from CO and ex only gave him 4 hours with the kids. During the trial period, ex never let dh take the kids for overnight stays. Dh tried to explain to her that he felt it was best that the kids get used to that before going to TX but ex said that isn't ever going to happen so they don't have to get used to it.

May 2002 dh and ex were back in front of the judge. Dh was able to show he had done all the visits, met with the kids Dr's and any other stipulations that the judge had listed previously.

New papers in May 2002.... Kids come to TX summer, and every other holiday. This is at our expense.. dh has to fly to MI pick up the kids and fly back with them, then repeat that to take them home. (we hope to get that changed as they get older)

Ex tried to tell the judge that I couldn't be there when the kids came down, cause I smoke. Judge told dh to tell me I can't smoke around the kids. (DUH!!) Judge never gave in to her complaints about me even before we were married.  

I'm sorry to take up your post with my issues, I just wanted to show that Yes you should file for changes... Yes you should suggest that because time has past since the children last saw you, you should start visits where they live... NO you do not have to move back in order to have a relationship with your children.....Don't push g/f on the ex or the kids... Your new relationship is yours not hers... Keep them separate! Once you have the kids coming to you for visits then you and g/f can involve them in your lives... If the states that you are dealing with have a Friend of the court type service use it... It only cost my dh $20.00 to file for his visitation change.

Good luck.... keep talking to the children.. explain to g/f that she needs to remain in the shadows as far as the ex and kids are concerned for now.
If you want any more info I'll be happy to help..

KB

[reagantrooper]

Not to sure what you think is wrong with my advice!

I am sure of one thing it is never prudent to ever move away from your kids! NEVER! I dont care what "she" wanted or how bad I needed to get out of the relationship.

The poster asked for advice on how to see his kids and to have some say. So tell me where am I wrong in saying that the first step is to move back to where his kids live?

[VAStepmom]

While moving back to NJ might be an option, it certainly isn't the ONLY option.  The original poster did not explain why he moved away, but I'm sure the reason was not so he didn't have to see his kids.   Therefore, his reason for moving so far away must have been a big, important one, which would imply that moving back to NJ is not feasible.  

That being said, contrary to your post, he has options OTHER than moving back to NJ.  It is possible to be a long-distance parent.  It's certainly not ideal, but it is possible.  Try not to be so quick to judge and assume... that doesn't work well when trying to give advice to people.  =)

[MYSONSDAD]

>I live in florida my three children live in N.J. I havn"t seen them in 11/2 years and have been paying weekly child support voluntaraly for 11/2 years.<

Your say you have a 5 and 7 year old, then how could you not see them for 11 1/2 years?

If you have your children as your main priority and are concerned with her unwillingness to work with you, move. You have been lacking thus far, you need to reconnect. Build a relationship. It will take time. Get involved with their daily lives, school, activities they participate in. She can not stop you from this if there are no orders in place. I also think the judge would appreciate the fact, your willingness to move near your kids.

Take her butt to court and file for visitation. It might help considerably if your in her State. Be prepared to get hit with child support orders.

You do not mention divorce. Why did you move? How long since you have seen them?  
 
"Children learn what they live"

[Kboeds]

There are many reasons why parents sometimes have to move away from their children. Maybe because their job takes them to another location, or maybe because their life is in danger if they stay within reach of the ex..

To tell someone the first thing they have to do in order to be a good parent is to move back to where there children live is incorrect.  It may be your opinon that a person can be a bigger part of a childs life if they live closer, (which is not always true) but you can not lead someone to believe that if they do not live close to their children they can not be a good parent. That is not true.

What happens if it is the CP that keeps moving... is the NCP supposed to pack up and follow CP all over the country to be a good parent?

Geographical location does not make a good or bad parent. It is quality not quantity that determines the relationship between a child and a parent.

[Kboeds]

lol... i believe the original post said 1 1/2 years but he didn't space between the numbers... I had to look at it for a few to, to try and determing how long 11/2 was.