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[wanttobeadad]

hello all, my divorce was just final within the last few months.  I have 2 daughters 14 and 12. normal visitation eow, holidays ect. this weekend would be my 2nd weekend with girls.  they are very active in sports and have a tourny within 10 min. of my apartment sat. and sun., they live 1.5 hrs north of here.  14 yr old decides she doesnt feel good this weekend so she will commute 3 hrs a day with her mom instead of staying with me.  youngest daughter just follows along. ex says she wont get in the middle of it to me last night, i told her i felt her allowing this was the ssame as interfering with my time. I spoke with the girls calmly about it and i understood the newness of all this, but i REALLY enjoy and need my time with them, still wont change their mind. then ex gets on phone.......long story short, lost temper with her a little and told her if daughter was too sick to come down here and stay with me, then she was too sick to play basketball in tourny all weekend, and I would not allow her to play.... ex tells me "I have no say in the matter". That was the end of conversation.  any suggestions or ideas would be very appreciated, I am at the end of my rope and dont want to go through this every other week for the next 6 yrs, I am extremely frustrated, angry, and heartbroken all in one.  have always been very close and suopportive of kids.  this tourny happens to be the only one within 2 hrs of me and i still travel all over to support and watch kids.  i even pay for their and the ex motels, meals and everything at these tournys just to be the 5th wheel when im there. regardless if its my weekend or not.  i never tell kids to sit with me between games or stay in my room down the hall, in fact i take ex to dinner with us to include everyone and not give any feelings of alienation to the mom.  but it keeps slapping me in the face. i could go on and on and on. thanks for any help.

[wanttobeadad]

not asking for legaladvice or any life altering suggestions.  just if it sounds i am on right track with feelings, and or handling this properly. thanks

[Everyside]

I guess my thoughts on this would be that because this is a fairly new situation that you need to set the precedent now or you will be in trouble down the road.  I can offer ideas but you'll have to decide what will work for you.

1.   Do not spend a lot of time arguing with your ex.  Just state that you will be there to pick up the girls for your parenting time.  Then show up and remain calm.  If she refuses to let the girls go, see if you can get a peace officer to come and verify that she is willfully denying you your time.  Then file contempt.
2.   Do not let the girls chose.  Tell them that you are their father and that they do not make the rules.  
3.   If one child is too sick to go, take the other one.  Have special one on one time, do something special.  Let the other child feel a little bad they missed out and let the one that came feel a little special.  One on one time is important with a parent and child any way.
4.   Find the "intent to exercise visitation" letter on this site and mail it to our ex so you have proof that you did not give up your time.
5.   When you are alone with the girls (away from Mom) discuss with them that you understand that they have things they will want to do and you will make every effort to let them, they have to understand that family is important and there will be things they will miss.  That's life.

If you let this go, you will deal with this for the rest of the time these girls are minors.  Your daughters sound like they are old enough to talk to.  DO NOT ever talk down about their mother to them, just talk about the fact that they need to spend time with both sides of their family.

On a side note, it sounds like you are extremely accommodating to your ex wife.  Why are you paying her hotel room and all the other expenses?  Pay for your room and your kids meals if you want but why be nice to your ex if she is going to thwart your time with your girls? I'd be less of a wallet for her if she's going to be unhelpful.   She should learn that you get more flies with honey....and all that.

Good luck.

[wanttobeadad]

thank you, it is new to all us.  i really appreciate your reply. it makes alot of sense.  i dont spend time arguing... never really did, even when together. neither of us are "yelling and screaming" kind of people.  i have always, and still do to a certain extent, have too much respect for my family to do that......but thre are still limits.  i am taking kids for weekend as you suggested.  just sat and sunday though so i dont interfere with softball games on fri afternoon, and other plans they made.  but i did remind them that in the future, to check calander i sent them on which weekends are best to make plans up north.  i dont mind being flexable, but like you said.......why if its gonna slap me in the face?  thanks again.

[Everyside]

Good for you.  I'm glad you are going to see your girls.  

Respect for family is good....being a doormat is bad.  Sounds like you are finding the happy medium.

I know it's hard to give up any time, but sometimes it's the best thing to do.  We feel like we do it so that the kids can have as normal a life as possible since the divorce wasn't their fault.  Intact families make sacrifices so the kids can go to birthday parties, sporting events, special occasions just as kids miss things like that to be with families.   It's a tightrope walk no matter how you look at it.

Sounds like you did good, Dad.  I hope you enjoy your weekend with the girls.