Visitation Issues

[stepmom2be]

Morning All,

My partner here in CA is the NCP of a 16 y/o son living in OR. He has never had court ordered visitation until about a month ago when we finally went forward and hired an attorney and made it happen.  Up until 2 years ago it wasn't a huge issue.  His son was with him during the summer, on long school breaks and a few other times here and there.  

The mother ALWAYS made it difficult to schedule the trips.  Asking for money or making the family beg for time.  He and his family put up with it too (at the advice of an attorney I am hoping has now been disbarred) until I came into the picture.  I assured them that the courts would grant visitation especially since his son wanted more time with him and the courts generally grant what a child as old as he would like.  We came to a very good argreement with the courts and now have a large amount of time by court order.

We are now looking at the first visit coming up next month.  The court granted us a weekend every month his son is not here for an extended period of time (ie Christmas week, all summer and so on).  The court also made it clear that we are to commumicate by mail only.  

So NCP emails three different flight options (the courts asked us to TRY to accomodate the CP's work schedule but also made it clear to CP that no matter what, she must get her son on the plane) and she emailed back saying she wouldn't send her son unless NCP called her.  We have argued with the CP over this particular issue for years as whenver my partner calls the CP only yells, cusses and asks for more money.  

We had hoped that these kinds of issues would end with the court order, but in our hearts we knew we would still be in for a fight.  All WE want is time with his son.  The whole reason we spent a huge sum of money with less than 2 years left until he is 18 is because he is what is important and being with his father is invaluable.

So here is my question, what happens when CP doesnt't follow a court order?  I am going to talk to our attorney today as well, but I was thinking someone may have gone through something similiar in the past and can tell me what I may expect.

I appreciate everyone's time!

SM2B

[CustodyIQ]

1. I'd suggest that you get a copy of the court hearing transcript so you can point to the place where the judge wanted you two to communicate by mail only.  If the judge ordered it, then it's an order.  If he just said, "You two should communicate by mail, it'd just be easier that way" then it's a suggestion.  But you want to be able to remind the court (in the future) of the suggestion, that dad took it seriously, but mom ignored it.

2.  That said, I suggest dad send mom a communique by certified mail, or any way that requires a signature with tracking information.  In the certified mail, advise the mother that all phone conversations between dad and her will be recorded.

3.  After delivery of that mail, call mom to work it out, and record the conversation.  Dad should have a written agenda (a few bullet points) in front of him, so he can stay on track and not get sucked into a volatile black hole.

With the kind of person you're describing, the best conversational approach would be to avoid open-ended questions and also establish clear boundaries.

So, instead of asking, "What time is best for you?", ask "I'm looking at flight 472, which departs your city at 6:30pm on Friday.  If that doesn't work, there's also flight 82 which leaves at 7:15pm.  Which would you prefer?"

Then she'll probably start to rant or go off on a tangent.  Then dad just says, "If you're not able to pick one of those options, or tell me right now another flight, I'll go ahead and book flight 472.  Thank you."

Also, dad should approach the phone conversation with a mantra he can use if/when the mother starts to rant and rage.

Thankfully, in my own case, the judge ORDERED in 2003 that communication must be by email.  Prior to that, I had insane phone conversations that went nowhere (much like you're describing).  Email-only communication was such a blessing.

But before the orders for email, I learned to not engage and instead would interrupt her and say, "If you can't communicate in a calm manner, I'm going to hang up."

And then I'd hang up if she wouldn't immediate calm down.  The first time I did it, she called back, still angry, and I again told her I'd need to hang up if she didn't calm down (and I hung up again).  Eventually, she learned.

The above approach will either resolve the issue, or it will give you the evidence (i.e., recorded phone calls) needed to go back to court and say, "I'm having major difficulty every month getting the mother to cooperate on travel plans.  I now request orders that I provide the mother with two flight options per month, and she has 5 days to pick one that is more convenient-- otherwise I may pick one."

[stepmom2be]

CustodyIQ -

Thank you for your advice.  I can see we have similar issues with CP's and I truly appreciate your taking the time out to help direct me.  

NCP has sent an email stating that CP has until tomorrow morning to choose a flight and then he will just pick one himself.

I will head your advice, the courts ordered by MAIL and I will ask that that be amended to E-Mail.

Thank you AGAIN!

SM2B

[hagatha]

Your other option is to communicate through the attorneys. Have your attorney send her a letter stating the times and dates for flights. have him include a note that all communications not in writing should be directed to his office. That way is she emails back she wants a phone call, it gets handled by the attorney.

If/when she refuses to communicate with the attorney, and insists on speaking to your husband personally, the attorney can explain the concept of contempt.

OR . . .

You or your attorney contact the CPs attorney and ask that attorney to control his client. Send her attorney the info on the flights and have him respond after discussing it with his client.

Personally, I wouldn't phone her at all. That leaves you open to false abuse charges, even with the call being recorded.


The Witch
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