Should we make her come?

[Ref]

I have always stood by the thought that a child doesn't have an option not to see their CP so they shouldn't have the option not to see their NCP. I have been reading some articles lately that say that it is better to allow teenagers (SD is 14) to decide whether or not to come to NCP's for visitation.

Any opinions on this? SD is constantly telling DH that she has fun here but would rather be at BM's. She says she misses her friends and mom and would rather not come here. She lives 1400 miles a way, so it isn't and "every few weekends off" type of thing. These are large chunks of time. BM also plays the "understanding" role to her saying how DH doesn't listen to SD the rest of that crap.

Anyone decide in a long-distance to let the teen choose or not choose?

Thanks
Ref

[dontunderstand]

I don't have a teenager, but I gotta tell you that I am with you.  A child should get to choose when she is no longer a child...most states that is 18.  She really needs that relationship with dad and yes it is hard to be a teen and be that far from her friends, but they will come and go and well truth is dad (and bonus mom) are here to stay for the remainder of her life...she and both of you need that relationship...

[MixedBag]

Forgot what page of Divorce Poison this is on, but your situation is right in that book. particually when you said "BM also plays the understanding role" ....

I don't support SD's decision of not coming and lettingi t be HER decision right now particularly in light of other posts you've put here on the board with all those problems.

I remember that she changes her tune as soon as she gets away from her mother and lands on the ground on your end...

[kevkermit]

In my opinion, you are entitled to be with your daughter just as much as the cp is.  If your daughter didn't want to come because she had a school funciton or some event which interfered with your visit, that might be worth missing.  Your daughter needs her time with her friends and to have a social life, but she has time when she is with the cp to see her friends and you only get a limited amount of time with her.  This time with your daughter is very important and she needs to know you want to be a part of her life (which obviously you do).  However even in that case I would still seek makeup time as you are entitled to your time with your daughter.  

Does daughter call her friends while she is visiting with you just to keep in touch?  

These are just my opinions.

[joni]

BM is egging her on, playing on her.  

14 y.o.'s are emotional and hormonal, often not thinking with their best foot forward...because they're children.  You will never get any missed time back.  You're already 1400 miles away and missing too much.  These friends will be distant memories in the future when your SD, as an adult, tells you she regrets blowing off your visitations when she was a teenager.

If finances allow, why not fly out one of her friends for the weekend when she's with you an extended amount of time?  It would be a nice compromise and show your SD that you're trying your best.

[Ref]

She does still seem pretty happy here, but more and more she is carrying her resentment through the entire time she is with us. She is being bratty and bitchy.

This fall break Dh made her come. She seemed fine, but not her normal self. When she was off guard, she was happy, but mostly she maintained (and reminded us regularly) that she wished she was back at home.

Prior to her coming up DH had to have a discussion with her. She was pissed that he was making her come and said some mean things. She said that he was hurting her family (her and her mom apparently are HER family). She said he was harrassing her mom (far from the truth, he HATES talking to her).

Her flight home was canceled at the last minute and she freaked out at the airport. "I just wanted to go home!" "I didn't even want to come here!" with tears rolling down her face. BM didn't let this opportunity slip by. She called DH about Child Support (she wants him to send it directly to her instead of thru the court). During the conversation she said "Now you can see SD is the one that doesn't want to come. It is not me." BITCH!

Anyway, SD is not as happy as she was before and she is telling us regularly now. She said that she has fun while she is here but misses friends and her mom and sees enough of DH.

Anyway, we are kinda at the end of our ropes. Dh lost his job yesterday and our house is falling to hell (water damage, well pump dying...).

Thanks for all your help, especially MixedBag. I don't know what I would do without this page.

Ref

[MixedBag]

I like Joni's suggestion until I read that Dad lost his job.  Over the past 2 1/2 years when I go get my son for the weekend, I've tried to include his friends which has helped (I think).  Now my brother lives semi-nearby, so we go see them and his cousins.

I also see that you're on the ball in asking for a child support adjustment as a result of Dad losing his job.

It's in the child's best interest for Dad to be able to maintain a second home for his child and since he lost his job, therefore he lost his income, it's in the child's best interest that the court lower his child support obligation until he finds another job at his previous level of income.  Then of course, dad will notify the courts again and have child support increased to reflect his income at his new job.

Hope those words help answer your question on Soc's page.

[Ref]

Friends are a funny issue with her.She says that she misses them, but she doesn't call or email them much when she is here. SD has friends here that she only hung out with 1 day during her 7 days here for Fall break.

We tried to get one of her friends to fly up, but her mom didn't want her to. My paranoid side says that BM has told stories about us to friend's mom and that is why. My sane side (yes it comes out from time to time) says that friend's mom didn't want her daughter to fly 1400 miles to stay with people she doesn't know.  We offered to take her and her husband and kids to dinner last time we went to SD's town, but she refused because husband was out of town. We will keep trying.

I don't think it really is her friends though. I think it is her mom. When we don't have her for a school break SD always complains that she doesn't do anything but sit at home alone or with BM. BM has spoucified her.

Thanks again!

 

[Ref]

Sd has no real interests. She never really has. No sports, no arts nothing. Her mom is a person whose theory is "If it takes effort, it is not worth doing". SD has grown up not liking bowling because she is no good at it, not like horsebackriding because she wasn't an instant ribbon winner, not liked advanced classes because it takes work. We try to teach her that things are worth doing even if you aren't good at it right away, even if you are never good at it because it is about the experiences you live that makes life special. Obviously her mom's quitting attitude has won out on our "reach for the stars" one.

If she was doing something, I can see adjusting the schedule, but she isn't. She said next summer that she wants a job, so I talked with her about places she might work here (I think she was trying to get out of visitation by getting a job in her mom's town)


Thanks
Jen

[gipsy]

My cousin has a 13 YO girl and I had a stepdaughter 13 , My opinion , !3 yo girls can be rotten brats any way , And at that age they want to run around with their friends , And are undecided etc , I was the same way , The problem is you don't know how much poisen is comeing from the mother , SOOO I would have her come over , And discipline the 13 yo Brat stage as usuall ,
  My son just turned six , And I understand how I can not really want to disipline a behavior during my short visit . But I realise I have to discipline rotten behavior , My son just the other day threw a fit and punched me in the Groin , That was the last straw ,