new to board please be kind

[gipsy]

My atty told me from the beginning . Even being an alchoholic won't stop visitation : So this will be a court process And In Wash state If you make the allegations to the court , One of the atty's that wants to do thier job will fill out a document for Appointing A Guardian ad Litem (washington any way) The reason is the court will not know whom to believe : So if he really is that messed up, But you want the money that you didn't iether apply for before this time , He is apprently not so bad of an alchoholic as to not make it worth it to get the money , In other words he must be functioning well enough to have a job or it would be worthless to apply for child support ,
   Secondly when the GAl does the investigation . As In My case allegations were made that are identical to your's < And they were not true because I don't even drink , the GAL reported that there was no reason I could not see my son Becuase their was no proof , Witness or report that supported the allegations ,
   The court is use to these allegations being exagerrated or  outright falsified ,
  Also the court see's them as true when they are ! so the next step for you is the courts process , And you will have to prove your case ,
   And yes  As A father I could see walking away !
   I did not choose that route , And I see My son , And it is in the best for My son as he loves me and I love him dearly ,
   In  A generall way the court  gets a clue as to whats going on , But unless you can prove your allegations , Thats all it is is more allegations that the court has no reason to believe or not believe .There is also something to this if you believe you child will be in danger , And I don't believe a child should be subject to a drug and alchohol environment , But on the other hand the child should have some contact with the other parent ,as I see how damageing this was to my step daughter when her father would not pay any attention to her ,
  Think this through ,
  This is going to be a legal process and it will take some suiting up and showing up for the DAd And if he is so bad off he won't  Make the appearances ,

[Catfood]

I think the thing to remember is that there are a lot of options.

In your place, I guess I'd write a letter to the ex saying that you are open to allowing visitation ("parenting time" or however it's called in your state) but you need an agreement, and since he is the one making this request could he please write up a plan for what he has in mind.

Now there's a good chance he's asking for something totally reasonable. Perhaps he could drive out to your town a few times a year and spend a long weekend with the child, but just during the daytime hours, and always with another adult (someone you know and trust) on the scene... something like that. I'm guessing you'd be okay with that, conditional on him being sober around the child and so on.

Maybe he expects more than that. Maybe you can compromise. You just have to know what you will and will not agree to. I suppose you would not be willing to let the ex take your child 1000 miles away to his place, for example, since you don't trust him.

My point is, the ex has a legal right to spend a reasonable amount of time with his child, and I daresay even if he's a dysfunctional jerk he still has the moral right too. Considering his circumstances, I'm willing to bet he doesn't expect a lot of time and maybe you can work something out that is fair to him and the child while addressing your safety concerns.

If not, good news, the onus is on him to make a legal case, which means he will probably have to hire a lawyer first and spend the money to make that happen. And that just opens up the exact same discussion between lawyers, it doesn't guarantee him anything.

If it gets to that stage--and really, don't worry about this unless it happens--and if he's making demands that seem to you to be unhealthy for the child, then you might need to bring to your lawyer some evidence that he's drinking or using or whatever, and that will be taken into account when the lawyers negotiate.

Bottom line, it sounds like you may give up a little time with your child, but most kids do want to know their dads, and it seems to me that you can arrange things in a way that is safe and healthy for your child.

I'm reminded of those books on "win-win" negotiating. You need to focus on interests, not positions. In other words, get your mind away from "I don't want my child in that man's hands." That's a position. Your interest is "I want my child to be in a safe and healthy environment." Can you let your ex spend time as a father while you defend that interest in health and safety? I think so.

But first, why not get a specific proposal (from him) on the table? Remember that he's the one asking for a change, so he may as well make some kind of proposal or things will remain as they are. Ball in his court, as they say.

[awakenlynn]

I am going to go in a slightly different area here.  It could be that he wants to see his son know because his son is older.  Sometimes it is harder when they are infants because they know the child won't remember them from visit to visit.  That is what happened to my husband.  His ex left him one night and took their daughter.  She then refused to let him have visitation, even see the child at all.  He had been very involved with the pregnancy and birth.  He was an active father.  He was in the Navy and they shipped him to Japan.  How do you visit a child at that distant.  He didn't call, what do you say to a 6-month old, or a 1 year old or a 3 year old?  Ex didn't have any pictures of him,tried to cut him out of the child's life, threw away all his packages.  He went straight to court when his daughter was 7 after he got back into the country and out of the hospital(he left Japan after he was in a bad accident and in a coma for awhile, then they had some serious therapy to go thru... so to be true at that time, he had to think of himself)  When he was healed he went to court and fought to see is daughter.  He understood he would have to go slow and now has standard visitation with his daughter now 12.  She knows who he is and knows he is her dad.  Her mother and step-father do everything they can to discredit him to her, but she knows.

Your ex, may just have been an inept new father, now the child is older he may feel that he can handle it better.  Whether or not there is a current court order, stay friendly with him, let him see his child, if he goes to court and you were unfriendly, it could seriously hurt you.  What ever happened in the past, this is who YOU choose to be the father of your child, be civil and include him now.

[dontunderstand]

Fortunately for you and your child, I believe BF is just doing this because of CS.  ESPECIALLY if he has had no interest thus far.  The fortunate part is that he will probably disappear as fast as he arrived on scene.  Also, it is probable that the court will NOT just say okay you have been gone for 5 years here is joint custody.  They will more than likely start out supervised and i guarentee that if he has to pay to see your child it probably isn;t going to happen....I know this is scary, but remember to do whatever is in your child's best intereest, not yours and you will be alright!

[alanp]

I believe this guy needs a chance. Let's not forget that mom took the baby 1000 miles away. How is he supposed to develop a relationship with his child in such a situation? And like the above post asks, what do you say over the phone to an infant? My guess is that his heart aches for this child, but contact has been made impossible.

There are some mean-spirited posts above that automatically assume this guy is a loser drug abuser. None of us know that...not even mom. I agree that a drug test might be in order. But I believe mom should agree to it as well. After all, she found him attractive enough to copulate with him. Pleeeze. Has she never taken a single puff? Lots of kids do drugs, but most go on to be stable adults.

My experience is that many GALs are worthless, inexperienced and completely unqualified. So what kind of evaluation do you purchase? And what end does jumping through all the hoops accomplish? Perhaps mom and a friend should pay a visit to his home. If it checks out, then both should submit to drug tests. And if either of them are currently using, then this is a complete waste of time. If all is clean, then he deserves a complete unhindered relationship with his dad. And, yes, it is playing God to prevent this relationship. Lastly, we should all remember, in some states the person who leaves the state is the one who picks up the travel tab for visitation. Rightly so I believe.