new to board please be kind

[lilu fey]

I realize the nature of this site and hope that my question will be seen in the light that I truly want what is best for my child.

I have a 3 yr old who has only seen her BF once since age 5 mos. BF has called only a handful of times and from the very beginning shown very little interest in his child. When my child was 9 mos we moved to a different state with my family and my only support system. I have always been forthcoming with information on where we live and our contact information. I have never denied BF access to his child.  

I recently recieved a letter with very legal wording saying that BF is requesting formal visitation including summers and holidays.  BF and I were never married and have no formal agreements other than my recent filing through the atty gen office.

Here is my dilemma. He does not know my child. He has made no real effort to get to know my child even with me calling and basicly telling him he is missing out on an amazing life. Now after I file for CS he wants visitation and possible Joint custody.

To add to this he is a known alcoholic and addict and his GF whom he has been with since before our child was born is a clinical Schizophrenic and has made frightening attempts to include my child in her life. (cut up pictures and made a scrapbook of them as a family)

so... do I allow visitation so that my child knows BF or do I protect the child and make sure that BF and his GF continue to leave us alone?

[Sherry1]

you have no choice but to follow the court order.  If you do not follow the court order you could lose custody of your child.  No offense, but just about every poster that comes to SPARC that does not want to allow visitation, they all claim their ex's are abusive and alcoholics.  However, you did have sex with this person and had a child, I guess he had a lucid moment.  Your asked for child support, you opened the can of worms, and yes, he does have rights as the child's father to see the child.

[janM]

She said there is no formal agreement. She only asked for support, that does not establish parenting time.

To the poster...without court papers, you do not have to allow visits. He has no rights until he gets them recognised by the court.
See if he files anything (was paternity established for CS?). If he does, and you go to court, you should ask for supervised visits (not by you) until the child and dad get to know each other. If there are other concerns, you will need proof of them (police records, DUI, etc).

[Sherry1]

order in place then he has no rights.  However, if he is seeking visitation and she says no, then he probably will go the court route.  And yes, I agree that visits should be supervised until the child gets to know dad.  However, I do not think a mother has the right to play God and keep the child from dad.

[gidgetgirl]

You can allow visits and protect your child.  I'm in the midst of doing that now (my XH had a DUI while DS was in the car with him).

First you have to deal with the re-integration issue.  I know there are books out there that address this in part- one I liked (but didn't read/use this part of the book) was "Mom's House, Dad's House".   Look for it at your library or Amazon. Setting up supervised visitation at this point is very reasonable.  Also, if this goes through the courts, there will likely be a custody evaluation which should bring out serious AODA and mental health issues, esp if he's had trouble with the law.  

Was the request a court motion or was it from him or from his attorney requesting time?  

[Devoted Stepdad]

No way would I allow the BF to visit.  It seems to be a typical ploy to want visitation when child support is needed.  If you can prove he's a danger to the well being of your child, then no court would require visitation. (however, the hard part is being able to prove to the judge what you're saying is true.  Just a tip, judges have heard it all before and they tend not to believe anyone)

[worriedmom]

ur in the same boat i was about a year ago... Sad truth is is that if he has already filed there is nothing you can do now, You have to let him see him or you will be held in contempt of the papers. That will make it easier for himto fight for full custody. My ex is a known alcholic and meth user. Every police officer around here knows him very well and hate him very much but that doesnt matter as long as he doesnt hurt the child. Now if you play your cards right you might be able to get supervised visitation because of the clinical schizophrenia. I dont know but iwould certainly ask about it and see. Me and my ex were never married as well but that doesnt matter unfortunately. Now about the whole BF doesnt know child. What I did was I requested a "Phase-In Period" where he only takes him for 1 day every week Supervised for 4 weeks then he stayed the night 1 night every week(6PSat to 12p Sun) for 4 weeks then he stayed 6p Sat-6p sun every week for 4 weeks then it went to normal weekend visitation every 2 weeks. See if that is available, it works great. But as for not letting him see him, cant nemore if there are papers involved now. Hope this helps....Hang in there :)  


Married Mom of 3 Wonderful Boys
5, 3, 3 months
2 dogs, Sheba and Chloe
1 cat, Rose

[worriedmom]

Keeping your child from the dad is not playing God... If that is done then it was obviously to prtotect the child. I did it because first of all i was 16 and scared of what he would do. I wanted to tell him so I planned on it and when i got to his house I saw him snorting ridlin and shooting up, drinking, and smoking pot. Yea, like i was going to go "Here spend time with your child in between your "bathroom breaks" Its ok even if your high off your butt and being a drunken idiot...." After all that was over and he seemed to be getting his life back together I told him, gave him joint custody, now he is badmouthing me, brainwashing him and telling him to hurt his little brother. Looks like I at one time wasnt so stupid, If i could go back i wouldve never have told him, if it meant i could keep my son SAFE! But it is NOT playing God...

[lilu fey]

I should clarify a few things.
First we have NO court orders except for child support.
Second the geographic distance between us is going to greatly limit a phasing in. We live nearly 1000 miles apart
The letter I received from BF while being legaly worded and probably written by an attorney did not go through the court system. We are truly at the beginning of all of this.

Until recently it has always been my philosophy that he should play a part in his childs life and that they should know each other. I have tried and tried to get him invloved to no avail. Then I filed for Child support. I did not want to do it. I had to in order to keep the assistance I get to pay for daycare. When I filed I gave BF plenty of notice but he is still very unhappy.
I recieved this letter 10 days after a conversation where BF asked me to drop back child support.
I believe he is only motivated by having to pay Child Support and would not be invloved in the childs life otherwise.
It's hard for me to feel that this is in my childs best interest if it is motivated by spite....

[Ref]

even if it seems as though they are done out of spite. Let me give you some idea of what happens to dads sometimes. When they break-up with mom sometimes they feel rejected and like they failed. Sometimes the fight to be in their kid's life seems too much, especially if the break-up is bad. Sometimes dad's give up for a while. It is not the best thing in the world, but I think it is pretty common of a scenerio. My Dh did it and my dad did it when I was a kid.

Sometimes when the dad goes through court about CS it makes them realize that it is not that bad and they can see their children and exs without dying.

Regardless of whether this is out of spite, it is best for a child to have both parents. Have you been taking to him? How do you know he is still getting in trouble?

If you feel confident that he is a danger to your child you can have an evaluation done on him across state borders. Ask that he be drug tested. Ask that his visitation be in your town on weekends during the day. He can stay i your town and have daytime with the child then bring him home at night. You can even have these supervised (not by you, that is too strange).

DH has a long distance relationship with his daughter. I would like to offer any advice I can on that matter.

Good Luck
ref