Steaming mad...what to do?

[dontunderstand]

So we got a letter from our attorney yesterday that included a letter from BM attorney.  She stated that we are not sending SD home in the clothes that she goes in.  She stated Bm "has spent a great deal of "close" to outfit the child for school."  (This in itself is CRAP.  SD is still wearing shoes that are too small and has 1 pair of jeans and the same coat she has had since last year! at the most she bought a new shirt or two)  She stated we threw away a "brand new" pair of shoes that were "too small" and this is inappropriate. She goes on to state that we should have sent them home and purchased her a new pair.  We did buy her new shoes and sent them home!!!  The shoes she had were very old and 1 1/2 sizes too small!  Her toes were all balled up.  We are "alledgedly sending her home in old play clothes rather than her new ones."  We don't even have play clothes here.  When we finally got to see SD again we went and bought her ALL NEW THINGS, BM wouldn't send any and when she would come her clothes would be WAY TOO SMALL (she wears a 7/8 and she would be in a 4T) When she gets here, she changes into clothes that she has here.  She wears clothes from here all weekend and then right before we take her to exchange, she wears exactly what she wore here, I don't even wash them (BM instructed me not too and SD gets in trouble if I do)  
BM is mad because she has new stuff here and she feels it should go to her house, which would be fine, except it ends up "disappearing" and we never see it again.  She is telling her attorney that we keep SD clothes here for my daughter and send her home in my daughters "old clothes"  That is so sick and so wrong and so funny because even though our daughters are about the same age, my daughter is a size 8-10.
Her attorney instructed us "to return all of her things immediately."  DH called her last night to see what we have so that we can get it back to her. (Knowing we have nothing of hers)  She had HUGE attitude and stated "that was a long time ago" DH told her we didn't throw the shoes away we have them in a  bag, and we can give them back to her, but they were too small and we bought her new ones and sent them home.  She told him the ones we bought were NOT new.  He told her we have the receipt and she stated not for those "old dirty shoes" we don't buy her new stuff and if we do it must be at our house, because SD never gets anything new.  And then said, "is that all, I have things to do" (all on tape)  then she had SD call and say she has a skirt (with a big hole in it) over here and can she get it back.  DH told her if BM had something to say that she can call him, but SD isn't going to be in the middle.  He then called BM and said the same thing on her machine.  No return call.
The letter also stated we are 2 months behind on CS.  We just talked to the CS lady last month regarding a possible OVERPAYMENT, because we pay monthly and they are going to take it out of his check, anyway and that that is a possible contempt going to happen along with the above.

So how do we prove that the sh!t she sends her in is the same sh!t she gets back and do we continue to send the too small shoes and clothes home?  I kept them so BM can't make her wear them again.  I let her take her boots home  (2 sizes too small) and she continues to wear them toes balled up and all.
When is enough enough???

[MyAngels4]

Can you take a picture of her the minute she gets there?

Do you have a satelitte TV? We have taken pics of my SD standing in front of the TV (which has the date and time) right when she gets to our house and when she leaves. I use my digital camera and print it off right away.

Hope this helps,
MyAngels4

[junglechicken]

This isn't a legal issue.  BM's lawyer is bothering him/herself with this either because they're bored, or to suck money from bm.  

You pay cs?  You can prove that you pay cs?  Tell bm (and her atty) to piss up a rope.  You owe no one anything - you're fulfilling your obligation.

[dearsirena]

I would have even gone so far as to take her to a podiatrist with the shoes that were too small and get an official record from a foot specialist.  One more doc to have in the event you have to go to court.

I would also do a spreadsheet on the computer of what she brings and assign each article a number with a checkoff section.  Video tape the process of checking the items off and placing them into her bag to return to BMs.  While this takes time and sounds ridiculous, it does save time in court by simply handing over evidence, watching these PB's put their tales between their legs and listen to a judge admonish them!!!  It is worth the time!!

Sirena

[dontunderstand]

The only thing she comes with is the dirty too small clothes and shoes that are on her back and feet!  BM NEVER sends ANYTHING.  We have her for 9 days starting the end of next week (mom is already PAS-ing her ;( )...what we pick her up from school in is what she will have for the entire time.  That is why we bought her stuff for here, and why this would be so comical if it weren't so dang frusterating!!!
Thank you all for all of your suggestions, they are always helpful!

[Sunshine1]

Hey Don't!

You need to take pictures of the clothes she comes in.  We used to have to do this.  BM would think it was funny sending the children in their dirtiest clothes imaginable, underwear soiled (then 3&4 yr olds), shoes that didn't fit or no shoes at all.  We had all new things at our house and I would photograph her things as soon as they got here, on them and then off of them.  

Seemed the evaluator was extremely disgusted with what she was doing.  The underwear pee stains she tried to say were glo in the dark spots!  LOL!!  Umm that didn't fly.  She learned to send them in more appropriate clothes after she saw how much evidence we presented to the court.  It is now in the parenting plan as well.  She has been pretty good about returning our items and I return hers.  It sucks having to buy new clothes all the time and this is what we do.

Every year I update the "go to mom's house tub"  It consists of socks JUST for her house so I can identify them, underwear JUST for her house so I can identify them and clothes JUST for her house so I don't freak out when they don't come back.  

There is no way on this earth that you are obligated to hand over the "new" things that you bought for her at your house.  That lawyer is just sucking her dry out of money...which is only good for you.  No money...no lawyer...right.  I wouldn't even justify a response to her about the clothes.  I would also KEEP the clothes that she sends her in for your evidence and if you can get her to give you a list of items that she needs returned even better..admitting that she actually sends her in that crap in her own hand writing or on tape!

Seems so long ago we went down that road.  LOL!!  :)

[wysiwyg]

If I can offer my 2 cents here:

We often complained about this, BM would go so far as to herd the child from the car to the home dragging him by the hood of his coat while we waited in the driveway, so she could make the child change into too small jeans, old worn out sneakers and a coat that was many sizes too small!

The judge got PO'd and said that unless BM sends the child to us naked he could and would do nothing.

I guess what I am trying to say is that over time we have had to learn that fishing socks out of the lake that fell in on accident or shorts that were found in the laundry and returned later eventually got to be so overwhelming that the scope of the whole ordeal was the child and not the clothes.  Warranted, too small shoes are a huge issue, but for her to make an ordeal aobut it - I think I would just say, it is over and done with and lets move on to the more important and pressing things.  

Her lawyer is just spending her money by letting her vent on minute matters.

[hagatha]

Don't,

You are being played. I can't tell you if her attorney is just spending her money or if he/she is taking mothers word about the cloths issue. BUT mother is trying to get you to engage in battle you don't want to fight. The more you get upset and frustrated and the more you respond to this crap, the more she enjoys this and the longer she will fight.

I would suggest you carry a camera with you to the pick up. Take a picture of that days newspaper, then take a picture of the kids At Her House, then do the same on the return. And for God's sake SMILE!!! (That will piss her off)

Then let this go. She is TRYING to make you nuts with a situation you cannot possibly win. She has no proof of her alligations and you cannot prove your side either. Her whole purpose is to piss you off and make you nuts. Stop Letting Her!!!!

One other thing. Always, always always return the cloths mother sent. They aren't of any real use to you. Judges don't care really. So give them back. But remember to SMILE when you do.

The Witch

Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[4honor]

Shoes and clothes are a no substance issue. She really won't be going to court over it...and if her attorney keeps sending YOUR attorney letters over these frivilous matters sue the guy for the fees it is costing you.

Since you pick up from school, take the local paper and have the kids hold it outside of school at the moment of pick up -- more believable that way. My digital camera has a 30 second video on it. Video the kid getting closer until you can see what she is wearing. When she goes home get ou the camera, ask her if she has teh clothes in her bag that BM sent her in. She says YES and goes off to BM. You will have proof. I connect to the computer directly and can download that video for any future needs.

Teach the step kids -- actually all the kids -- that all clothes are used after the first time you wear them. So, when you purchase other clothes -- for the child's comfort -- and must send them home, buy second hand but quality looking age/size appropriate clothing.

If you are replacing boots that are too small, buy boots to replace them... so BM will send the child in larger boots next time or she will show herself in concrete ways. Send both pairs home with the child. New clothes are for special times (Birthdays, Christmas, other holidays) among other gifts, when you are the NCP... you take care of their needs in the most financially responsible way you can, because you have to pay CS too.

If you do not take care of the child's needs, and you send them home in clothes that are too small, you are engaging in the same "abusive use of conflict" that BM is. It WILL bite you in the butt.

The key is to be able to walk into court one day, head held high and prove to the court at the 'No reasonable doubt" standard (not just the "more likely than not" standard) that you are the only fit parent and the child should be returned to your custody immediately.

We were able to "intimidate" BM into agreeing to a DOWNWARD deviation from guideline (over $100/month below), she would split transport 50/50 and she provides ALL clothes for residential time (which is not how it previously was).  But she never would have listened to her attorney if we had not documented EVERYTHING, and kept every receipt for 3 years straight, organized them intelligently and in a user friendly manner and walked into court with them. (BM hates to read - not good at it. Paper - lots of it - intimidates her.)

We were able to PROVE in court that we spent 200% more on average each weekend we had SS -- on clothing, on food and on gas than on all other weekends combined.  We actually spent $1K over and above CS on clothes one year replacing what BM didn't send, or sent that was torn or too small. So, we saved that $1K plus $400 for gas and got the $1200+ a year decrease. That first year we realized a decrease in cost for a teenager in the amount of over $2600 ($217 a month overall).

So DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT! but more importantly behave in the manner which first addresses the needs of your child. The rest will fall into place.

[dontunderstand]

So DH and I took into all the great advise, Thank You!... so SD has had a pair of boots (fashion, not snow) since last year.  They were so small that the toe of the boot started to pucker.  (Her toes curled under were pushing the top)  so I couldn't stand it anymore.  DH and I took her to buy her some snow boots.   We sent them home with her old boots.  I asked her to bring them when we picked her up for Christmas break as I knew we would be outside alot and it is COLD!  
When I picked her up, she had on pajamas (pj day at school) and another pair of fashion boots that were too small!  (all she has for 9 days!)  She said her mom "threw them away, I mean put them away because they were too big"  she didn't even feel her toe!  So then her neighbor went and bought her these other fashion boots that are too small "for Christmas" the day AFTER we bought the boots.  
I am so at my wits end.  As all of you, DH and I work our @$$es off so that our daughters can have nice things and clothes and shoes that fit.  BM complains when SD doesn't get new stuff sent home and if she does she "puts it away"  I know that as a CP I would give anything for DD BF to buy her anything!
The funniest part is that this is so little compared to all the other BS she pulls.  It is funny because she is so willing to mess with us at ALL levels...