Evaluation tomorrow!!

[BellaDi]

This is not really a "legal" question perse...but, I need to hear some experiences from other posters!

I have an evaluation meeting tomorrow with my ex, his new wife, and the doctor! Can someone who has had to go through this before please give me a brief idea of what to expect....I was not expecting the new wife to be there, and there is a great amount of tension between us! I will just be calm, professional, and not get baited into any arguments by her...But, hearing someone who has gone through it before would be a gerat help...Not sure what kind of questions to expect.

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

Can you clarify...

this is a custody evaluation, and the "doctor" is the psychologist who is conducting it?

[BellaDi]

Sorry, I am just a bundle of nerves..Not thinking clearly today!

I had my personal evaluation with the court ordered psychologist on Nov.24, and my ex had his last Wednesday.

Now, tomorrow it is going to be My ex, his new wife, and I..Along with the psychologist.

[CustodyIQ]

Okay.

The evaluator is going to want to study the dynamics of all of you, and he'll likely report on it.

So... be calm, be polite.  You don't have to pretend that you're all best friends.

It's okay to stick up for yourself, but try to do it calmly.

E.g., if the wife says something unfair, a very appropriate response could be, "I understand that's your opinion, but we just have to agree to disagree on that."

If the child is present, it would be EXCELLENT if you can say something like, "Excuse me, I've never been through an evaluation before, but I just want to say I wish we can table this type of discussion while CHILD'S NAME is present."

Breathe, stay calm, don't accuse or attack, and be yourself.

And it doesn't hurt to greet your ex and his wife with a simple hello (i.e., rather than remaining silent when seeing them).

Assume that the evaluator will notice everything.  And you want that report to say you were calm, rational, and polite in that meeting.

[BellaDi]

That is a good suggestion as far as saying hello to them when I walk in...Because chances are I would have not said anything! Not because I am rude, just because this has been a very long process at this point and I am extremely emotional.

My ex's new wife has done everything within in her power to frustrate visitations. But, I refuse to let her get to me! I will just remain calm, and let the evaluator see that my ONLY reason for being there is because I want to see my daughter.

Last questions:

#1 Last sunday they came by my residence to let me see my daughter (whom up to this point it has been a year since I have been able to see her) they did not call, or even give me any clue that they were going to drop by! Should I bring it up to the evaluator, that I feel they put my daughter in the position to be hurt by getting her hopes up that she was going to see me, when they really had no idea?

#2 Also, they claim I was home, and simply did not open the door because I did not want to make time to see her (not sure why I would be going through all this to get visitation established if I did not truly want to see her) but, anyway..The new wife left a nasty note on my car about how I just couldn't make time for my daughter. Should I take that with me to show to the evaluator if need be?

[CustodyIQ]

Yes to both.

But, again, present it in a very factual (i.e., non-emotional) way with an emphasis on best interest of the child.

E.g., "Here is one example of how it is impossible to know when I will be able to spend time with CHILD'S NAME... on December 11 this year, I came home to find this note on my car that is signed by STEPMOM.  Apparently DAD'S NAME decided to bring our daughter to my home-- with no advance notice or even a phone call.  I wasn't home, but I would have canceled anything if I knew he was bringing my daughter to see me."

and

"I suspect that it was all a set-up to let our daughter believe that I don't wish to see her."

BTW, in your situation, you better have pretty darn good documentation of how hard you've tried to see daughter, and how every attempt was thwarted by father.

Going a year without seeing a child is indicative of a problem, and the evaluator will need to report why.

You don't want his conclusion to be "Mother was disinterested."

Also, keep in mind that I'm not an attorney.  I'm just a seasoned child custody litigant who tries to help others.

[BellaDi]

I do have very good proof as to why I have not been able to see her, and presented that to the evaluator in my first visit. That nasty letter she wrote will just show once again, how they do not put my daughters feelings first.

Part of the year was my fault because I did not know my legal rights. But, I finally got my butt in gear and learned them on my own since I could not afford an attorney.

[seansmom]

Custody Evaluation.....Almost 4 months and counting....."


           Before our custody evaluation started I was naturally scared to death of "losing" my child. I wanted to write this for parents who are planning to undergo a evaluation, give them an idea on what to expect. (Please keep in mind this is my own experience, other evaluators might do things differently.) The evaluation started first part of September, I was the first to meet with the evaluator, I told him about my concerns about the other parties ability to co-parent with me, my concerns about his parenting style, and about domestic violence he has done to me. We talked for 1/2 hour, then I had to do the MMPI tests among others, that took me over 3 hours.

Next visit he wanted me to continue to discuss the domectic violence, which I did, shorly after our session started he asked if I would take a polygraph test on the domectic violence issues. I said I would so he gave me the phone number of an examiner he uses. I took the test a week later and passed with flying colors. And yes the polygraph is not admissable in court but the evalutors report IS. ALWAYS tell the truth.

The next three sessions with the evaluator I sat and listened to all my "faults" my spouse had to say about me. Most of which were lies and I told the evaluator they were lies in the calmest manner I could. (If your spouse is vindictive expect this to happen) And I provided DOCUMENTATION to prove most of his lies. Letters from teachers, medical records, credit reports ect. This is very important to evaluators.

Don't expect your evaluator to show emotion.... they have to stay completly nuetruel no matter what you say to them.

My home study was done the end of November by another evaluator. Obviously make sure your house is clean, smoke detectors in every room, food in the cuboards and refridgerator, toys inside and outside and DONT smoke in the house. Most of the time we talked about my spouse. *TIP* dont talk about your spouse in front of the kids, put them in another room and if they come out drop the subject right away! She did talk with my child a little bit. The home study lasted two hours

Dont bad mouth your spouse and seem vindictive, just speak calmly and tell the truth. They will more likely give custody to the parent who will encourage contact with both parents.

My parents/ child "play session" is tomorrow. And then the evaluator wants to talk with my child alone next week. Hopefully after that it will be done and we can wait for his report. So here I am 4 months later and $1,700.00 poorer and it's still not over.

I hope this helps some parents out there. If this has happened to me it can happen to anyone, I've been a great mom who loves her child dearly, but here I am. Hang in there your child is worth it!!