MY HUSBAND YOUNGEST WONT COME ON THE VISITATION CAUSE OF HER MOM

[jesslilman]

hi i am as my youngest step daughter would say the wicket step mom ...
that is what her mom has her callin me i have been with my husband six years now and she has always called me mom but the last 3 months she has said she hates my husband and i and never wants to see us agian we have three children and he also has a 12 year old frol her also ... and the 12 year old loves to come over also lived with us for a while till mom came and pulle dher out of school when we were making the youngest come over she would break things spit on us roll her eyes hit and more so finally my husband said she doesnt have to come cause all she was doin was hurting him and the rest of us .... well its christmas time and we asked her if she wanted to come for the 7 days and she said no i dont like yall and i dont want anything from yall the mom just smerked i dont know what to do i dont want to get gifts for a child that will just destroy them but i dont want to be the wicked step mom but my husband says just to let it go and she will have to learn  that  her mother was not doin right and that we love her please help !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i dont know what to do on christmas thank you !!!!

[4honor]

MY mother was too bound up in my life. I was 16 at the time. My father had moved on and my mother used me as a tool.

I HAD to live with my mother and she made our lives a living hell for loving my father. The mind games are worse than you can imagine.

This child does not even have the maturity I had at the time and she is trying to SURVIVE at her mother's home. The only way to combat this is to demand she treat you with the same respect she would a stranger and make her come for regualr visitation.  Will she hurt your feelings? Likely... but you are both grown ups, you can take it.

Realize that she is fed emotional poison all day long every day -- it is likely to be what oozes out of her spirit. You have to feed her mind and emotions -- her spirit -- something healthy and loving and good... it can't be done from a distance.

As for Christmas. I do not know. Is it going to spoil everyone's Christmas? then give her the "gift" of exactly what she has asked for (NOTHING) on the condition that this is NOT how it will be after New Year's.

Do what the CO says and be consistent. Tell her that she is a grown up  in training (you are raising and adult, not a child -- she just happens to be a child at this stage). That no matter what we feel like, as adults, sometimes you have to go through the motions until the feelings come -- fake it until you make it. So everyone is going to behave properly until it comes naturally.

It may take months before it happens, but she will break down into a puddle of emotions and you must have built trust (even begrudgingly built trust will do) that you will do the right thing inspite of your feelings. If you build the trust, the rest will come in time.

Do not tear down BM whatever you do -- you must make any contradiction in your information seem like BM was mistaken or misinformed, not lying or malicious or you will never break through the stone wall SD has built around her heart trying to stop the hurt.

There were times I hated my father and treated him badly not for anything he did, but because HE LEFT ME IN THE CARE OF AN ABUSIVE WITCH!  Or so my immature mind thought. He didn't know of the damage my mom did to me and my 5 siblings until this past year. (22 years later there was a complete healing of our relationship).

The healing will come, but you must consistently show her unconditional love.