Need feedback

[Kitty C.]

'I'm just really shocked that his perception is that I have given nothing and done nothing to facilitate his relationship with his son...'  It's not 'his perception', Amy.  It's his way of trying to get his way and only that.  You have gone above and beyond to fascilitate their relationship.  If he's told you he's a shitty father, that's where all this BS is coming from..........GUILT!  It's bad enough that he has all this guilt and he can't take responsibility for it, so he's trying to pass it on to you.

Don't let him, stick to your guns, and if he happens to turn tail, then so be it.  You cannot MAKE him change, only he can do that.  Yes, unfortunately your DS will suffer, but all you can do is try to soften the blow somewhat.  But stand strong and KNOW you've done your child well!

[Amy_in_MA]

I just need to learn to laugh at him when he calls with stuff like this instead of taking it to heart. Thanks Stirling.

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen

[Amy_in_MA]

I plan to keep doing what I've been doing. Thanks Kitty.

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen

[dsm]

But you know what?  You are setting a great example for Z in your work ethic and giving him a good life.  I'd love to be there when my kids get out of school too.  But the fact of life is that my income is needed in order for us to have a roof over our head, food in the refrigerator, and a vehicle to get around with.  I hope that my kids see me as a mom who steps up to the plate and supports them emotionally as well as physically.

Hang in there.  

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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 10; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh

[Genie]

you have done everything you can do to make him part of son's life.  It has been his choice to continue having children with each GF afterwards and getting himself into this situation.  His situations are his fault.

That being said.  I wouldn't give him another reduction. I know your history and you have done this several times.  You can't sacrifice your DS's care anymore to help him pay his bills.

Tell him he can have as much visitation he wants as he had before and as you offered before.  Maybe agree that he can pick up son and you can pick him up from his house.  But don't let him continually guilt you about money.  Your DS needs that money just as much as his OD, and other children do.  

Don't let him make you think otherwise.  I would tell him straight forward when he brings this up again:  "I have done everything I can to make you a part of DS's life. Just because you have chosen to not see him as much as I have asked and offered doesn't mean it is my fault. IT IS YOURS!!!  I am a good Mother and do not want you to ever try to tell me otherwise again."

Period.  Let him figure out how to pay his own bills.  

[boilergal]

I believe you've done more than facilitate the relationship.  You've offered numerous options to him in the past to give him time with Z.

If it's about the relationship, then the phone call should not be an issue.

Offer him this...

Once regular twice weekly phone calls (by him and not you/Z) become part of the norm, you will be open to discussion of appropriate reduction of CS to increase time (but as you said, needs to go through the first x initially)

Regular increased time will occur for a minimum of x weeks upon which time reduction will go into effect...

Or some other such BS...Amy, he's so full of sh**

I'm sorry that you and Z are continuing to be hurt by him (I know you're hurt when Z gets hurt)

Hugs to you

[Erika]

That you are greatly missed, you know where..

Secondly, I am of the mind set with 'R' that if you give an inch, he will take a mile. As you said, you have done everything possible to make sure your son has a good relationship with his father. But Amy, it is not all your job to do this, he has to meet half way and become a good dad and I don't think that will ever happen.

How can he possibly think lowing his CS and you doing more driving will make him a better dad or make his relationship with his son 'better'?

Why should you sacrifice for his shortcomings.

[junglechicken]

He's projecting his guilt.  That's all.

But, to answer your question, I think "facilitating the relationship with the other parent" is allowing the child to have that relationship.  Allowing the child to talk to the other parent on the phone, to go to special family events of the other parent's that may be on the child's time with you, not making a huge stink if the other parent wants to chaperone the field trip.  That kind of thing.

Also gently reminding the child of things like the other parent's birthday constitutes "facilitating the relationship", although to me that's not the main thing.

But "making" the child call, etc...no, that's not it.

[Kimberly9]

Miss you!

You know that you have done more than enough to facillitate his relationship.  He really is just whining.

Keep putting your son first and everything will be ok!

[Amy_in_MA]

That was my same thought...that if it was truly about improving the relationship, the phone call wouldn't be an issue, taking back the time he has given up wouldn't be an issue, whether son is happy or not during that time. I haven't gotten any reply or follow-up to my email offers. Guess I'll see him tomorrow at pick-up.

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen