Not sure how to handle this...

[gemini3]

Our wedding is coming up in a couple of months.  Given the current state of affairs, and BM history of behavior, I am pretty confident that we will encounter some sort of interference from her on our big day.  I want to head this off at the pass, and would appreciate any advice.  

Kids will be involved in the wedding ceremony, and are looking forward to doing so.  Problem is the ceremony falls on a day that we are supposed to return the children to their mother, at a time that would be during the ceremony.  I want to ask BM to allow us to have the children one extra day to allow them to participate, but I know she won't want to.  I was wondering if I should send her a request stating my wishes, and asking her to respond in writing.  

Any suggestions?

[junglechicken]

that knowing how bm is, why didn't you plan your wedding during the kids' scheduled time with you?  That way she wouldn't have had to be involved at all.

[gemini3]

If that had been an option that's what we would have done.  It wasn't, so I have to find a way to work with what we have.

[notnew]

If you wanted the children involved, you should have planned better.

The best way to pull this off without interference from the ex is to never let her have a clue it is happening.

I believe you should change the time of your wedding or even the day if you want the children to be involved.

Otherwise, take them back to her early so that the two of you can enjoy your day without the added stressors that you have invited in.

This was a poor decision on the part of you and your fiance'.

Not trying to bash you. Just saying that inviting conflict is the worst possible thing to do and this is what you two have done. Best thing to do is cut your losses and learn from the experience.

It is your wedding day. Supposed to be a happy day. Minimize the stress.

Sorry I can't be helpful.

[gemini3]

Before everyone jumps so quickly to conclusions about our "poor planning" please consider that this was being planned for almost a year, and at the time that we were picking a day, locations, etc, we did not expect to encounter a problem like this.  At the time of planning we would have had them during this time.  Since then things have changed and now we will have to return them during the wedding.

How am I supposed to changed the time or day of my wedding a couple of months before the wedding?  I've already sent out invitations, paid thousands of dollars in deposits, people have made travel arrangements, etc.  That's completely unrealistic.  If that was an option, I would obviously do so.  Unfortunately, it's not, which is why I was asking for suggestions on how to approach this.

And, trust me, no matter what time or day we pick, BM will cause problems because that's just what she does.  I am trying to avoid them.

"added stressors that you've invited in"... having a fiance who has children with a woman with the kind of problems she has is the "added stressor" I've invited in.  I don't think that my fiance is wrong in any way for wanting to have his children there on our wedding day, and the kids also want to be there and be a part of it.  

We always do our best not to "invite conflict", but there are lots of times when there is conflict no matter what we do.  The only way we could get married without "inviting conflict" would be to elope without telling anyone.  I don't think that would be the right thing to do, and quite honestly I don't want to get married like that.  I sacrifice enough to make sure I don't create waves with the BM.  I am not willing to sacrifice my wedding day.

[notnew]

When we got married, we planned the wedding around time with my summer break time with my child. My ex never had a clue what was in the works. My child knew we were getting married "one day soon" but not the exact date or that it was even being planned. When we picked up for the summer break, the weekend before the wedding, we had to get a dress and get it fitted so that my child could participate as she had indicated she wanted to.

It was a little hectic, but we all managed to make it work and BM didn't know until after it was all over.

I didn't want to go into the whole "my story" thing, but now will use it as an example. The less BM knows about what is going on the better. She knows you guys are planning on getting married "one day". Details beyond that are none of her business.

I did not realize that originally you would have had them during this time when you started planning this. What happened to change that?

The bottom line is the only recourse you have is to have your fiance' write a very polite letter requesting the extra time with the children so they can still be involved. He should offer extra time to her to make up the difference in advance so she doesn't get even more miffed then she most likely will.

I am quite aware of all the sacrifices you and  your fiance' go through in dealing with a BM that is not so user friendly.

It is unfortunate that whatever event happened that changed your schedule with the kids and affected this event wasn't being thought of by your fiance' when the deal was being worked out. Again, I am not knocking you or him, but I know that I often just dont' think about things the same way my wife does when I am sitting in a room negotiating with lawyers, etc., over schedules. Case in point; my wife and I got married on a MAJOR summer holiday. Holidays are switched off so my wife and I have every other year anniversary to ourselves. A good arrangement my wife thought. In last negotiations with my ex, she stated I could have the child every one of this particular holiday and I didn't think about what she was actually doing. Just agreed. When my wife heard this, she hit the roof. NOW, I can clearly see why it upset her so much. However, I guess I was just being a guy. Guilty. So, now we have to deal with this for so many years until it is over. My wife says we will get an anniversary to ourselves in about 10 years.

I hope for your sakes that BM does the right thing but I wouldnt' hold much hope out for it. It's sad that they dont' see that they are hurting the kids more then anything else.

I meant that you and your fiance' don't need more stress then you already have. It is supposed to be your day. A happy day for you. If you can avoid any issues ahead of time that could affect it, you should, but in this case,  you may not be able to do anything about it.

[Kitty C.]

Do either you or your wife have parents close by?  Why not have your child spend a nice weekend with Grandma and/or Grandpa over your anniversary?  We've done that, even just for a night, with SS.  DH's parents live on a farm and SS has spent quite a few overnights there, getting quality time with them that he would never get any other time.  I honestly think that, even tho it may look selfish on our part, the time SS has spent with his grandparents have created some memories that will last him a lifetime..........and you can't beat that with a stick.

[mistoffolees]

>Our wedding is coming up in a couple of months.  Given the
>current state of affairs, and BM history of behavior, I am
>pretty confident that we will encounter some sort of
>interference from her on our big day.  I want to head this off
>at the pass, and would appreciate any advice.  
>
>Kids will be involved in the wedding ceremony, and are looking
>forward to doing so.  Problem is the ceremony falls on a day
>that we are supposed to return the children to their mother,
>at a time that would be during the ceremony.  I want to ask BM
>to allow us to have the children one extra day to allow them
>to participate, but I know she won't want to.  I was wondering
>if I should send her a request stating my wishes, and asking
>her to respond in writing.  
>
>Any suggestions?


As I understand your post, the kids legally need to be brought back to the BM during the time of the ceremony. How you got into that situation isn't very relevant.

You have sevral choices:

1. Change the ceremony time slightly (even if you can't change the day, perhaps you can move it up an hour or so).
2. Plead with the BM or have someone who gets along better with her do so. You could do so in writing, but I think a personal call would be better because you can say that you know that you're asking a lot and will make it up to her. You might also explain that you didn't plan it that way, but when the visitation changed, it was too late to change your wedding plans.
3. Bribe the BM (either money or more time in makeup time)
4. Try to make an issue of it with the court.

I don't think #4 is going to go anywhere. If #1 isn't possible, you're stuck with #2 or 3.

I can't see any way you can force her to allow you to have the kids another day. If you can't beg her or bribe her, you're stuck.

Oh, yeah, there's one more option: #5. Just keep the kids until after the ceremony and hope she doesn't file a contempt of court suit. I don't recommend it.

[gemini3]

Thanks for everyone's advice.  Obviously, I'm stressed out and emotional about the whole thing.  

To answer the questions people had, nothing about the wedding, or much of anything else, is secret because BM broke into my fiance's e-mail and read everything in there for about six months, until we found out about it a couple of months ago.

About four months ago the BM decided that the weekend schedule as it was needed to change because it didn't fit her definition of what a "weekend" is.  My fiance's current decree doesn't define weekends, specify pick up or drop off times, or even what holiday visitation is.  (It says, for example, "Christmas in even years".)  Because of the vague wording, his ex has been able to create a lot of problems.  We are currently in the process of going back to court, and hopefully will at least get everything defined.  In the meantime, we are subject to her whim.

So, we have decided to send her a letter requesting additional time.  We'll see how she responds.

Serenity prayer time...

[junglechicken]

is that you can send your letter, let her respond...but if it goes badly, you will probably just have to say "Ah...too bad"...be emotional if you want, but plan your day accordingly.  It is, after all, *your* day.  Not fighting it will take the wind out of her sails.

It will be too bad, and the kids will be upset, but in time they will not only be ok, but they'll see just whose responsibility that whole thing was.

And that's between them and her.

Good luck.  I'll cross my fingers for you.