Single mother,advice on father visitation

[wendl]

I was a single mom to. My son went with his father every other weekend since he was 5 months old, (supervised by his parents)

Do it gradually.  Also request he takes parenting classes, child infant cpr classes.

Remember when doing your parenting plan to think of the future example:

Father shall have visitation at xx place from 4pm-6pm on xx days for 3 months.

after 3 months, father shall have visitation from friday 6pm-sat 6pm for xx amount of months.

and so on.

You can ask to meet his g/f but he doesn't have to allow it, if she is a good person she shouldn't have a problem with it, I met all my ex's flings.

You can put a clause in the order that smoking will not be allowed in the hosue or car while child is on visitation with either parent and so on.

Pull up the local school district calender to include holidays, school breaks etc for when the child gets older so you won't have to be going to court every few years for a modificaiton.

Just some things to think about.

Good luck, I am glad you are tyring to get or keep dad involved, I tried for year but my son is now 15 and his dad really choose not to be active only when it was convient for him, so I hope your ex is not the same way.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Giggles]

My X-BF walked out when I was 6 months preggo with my DD.  Like you I filed for CS as soon as she was born, but it took 3 YEARS for CS to finally get established.  Thankfully, they dated it back to when I filed and  he started out with a huge arrears amount.

My DD didn't meet her father until she was 6 years old but we were very close to his extended family (His Mom and Dad, sisters, nieces, nephews, etc) and that's how they ended up meeting.  My DD's Grandfather passed away (His Father) and we went to the funeral.  That's when he saw her for the first time.  Let me back up and tell you that at the hearing to set CS, he was asked if he wanted visitation and he stated he did not.  After the funeral he came up to me and said he made a HUGE mistake and that she's the most beautiful child he's ever seen and could he please establish a relationship with her.  I know that was something that Pappy (his father, my DD's Grandfather) had always wanted, so I agreed.

The key to establishing a relationship is to take things slow.  Perhaps the first month or so, have him come to the house and spend a couple hours with her.  If his GF has a problem with this, invite her as well.  Then for a month or so, have him take her for a few hours on the weekends.  Another key is to have them be consistent!!!!  Since she is a lot younger than my DD, this process should go a lot smoother.  Then you can work up to where he takes her for a whole weekend perhaps after about 6 months of CONSISTANT visits.

Like others have stressed, he needs to be educated on her respitory problems and the effect that smoking in the house will have on her.  Perhaps you can get them to agree to NOT do that while she is present!  I also had to do this because my DD has asthma and eventhough I smoke, I do not do it around her, in the house or in my car!!!

As for the CS, it's not designed for him to be paying ALL of her expenses, you bear some responsibility in her expenses as well.   Not sure about FL, but where I am in MD, it's an "Income Shares" state where BOTH parents income is considered in determining CS.  So for example, the CP makes $1500 a month and the NCP makes $1000 and child care is $400 a month.  The CS TOTAL amount would be $786 a month.  With the CP providing 60% of the total cost or $471 and the NCP providing 40% of the total and will have to pay $314.

My DD's father is ordered to pay $287 a month CS and $45 a month for arrears.  My DD's daycare alone is $350, so no...the CS doesn't cover it, but according to MD, he is paying the correct amount of CS (when or if he pays it is a different story) and daycare is factored in the calculation of the support.  I make considerably more than my DD's father so naturally, I bear the most financial burden for my DD.

Does this make sense?

[pebbles]

do not let him see her until you have custody papers.

[gerogiadad]

>Do it gradually.  Also request he takes parenting classes,
>child infant cpr classes.
>

>1) He's never taken care of children.


I think this is wrong, wrong, WRONG

Did you ask him if he had Experience with children at the beginning of your relationship?  

How many mothers have experience with children before their first born.  

Why is everyone so sexist against men to think that they know nothing about children.


Which one of you took a parenting class before you had your first born?

Which of you are Certified in Infant/Child CPR?

This is why the courts are so biased against Fathers.  This is a Stereotype that needs to go the way of the Dodo.  Woman isn't the only one that can take care of children.  

Also, do a Google search for "infants overnight with father" you will see that this site here has some on that.  Males are not incapable.  There are just as many mothers if not more out there that should be scrutinized before being alone with their children.

[mistoffolees]

>do not let him see her until you have custody papers.

I personally think that's terrible advice. He's her father. If there's no reason to believe that the daughter would be in danger, he has every right to see his daughter.

Even from a selfish perspective, when they go to court, the mother is going to be in a better position with the judge if she has demonstrated a willingness to work with the father rather than to try to alienate their child.

[Jade]

>>Do it gradually.  Also request he takes parenting classes,
>>child infant cpr classes.
>>
>
>>1) He's never taken care of children.
>
>
>I think this is wrong, wrong, WRONG
>
>Did you ask him if he had Experience with children at the
>beginning of your relationship?  

>
>How many mothers have experience with children before their
>first born.  
>

My response:

I babysat babies and small children as a teen-ager.  I was a nanny for 10 years where I took care of small children, including newborns.


You said:


>Why is everyone so sexist against men to think that they know
>nothing about children.
>
My response:

What is wrong with taking a parenting class?  The hospital that I gave birth at had one for both parents.  Not everyone knows how to change a diaper at first.  

You said:
>
>Which one of you took a parenting class before you had your
>first born?

My response:

Over 10 years worth.  And I still took the parenting classes at the hospital as they also covered carseat safety, which had changed since I became a mom.

You said:


>
>Which of you are Certified in Infant/Child CPR?

My response:

Raising my hand.  While I may not be currently certified, I have been over several years.  And have found it handy.  

I think it's just plain common sense for ANYONE to be certified in CPR for all age groups.


You said:
>
>Also, do a Google search for "infants overnight with father"
>you will see that this site here has some on that.  Males are
>not incapable.  There are just as many mothers if not more out
>there that should be scrutinized before being alone with their
>children.
>


My response:

Nobody said the father wasn't capable.  Just that he ISN'T familiar with taking care of a child at all.  

Not to mention that he is a COMPLETE stranger to his child by HIS OWN CHOICE.  

The child shouldn't just be forced to go with a stranger.  And that is essentially what her father is.  It's great that he is stepping up to the plate now, but that doesn't change the fact that his actions made him a stranger.  

[kahumano]

THANK YOU Jade!!
I haven't been able to respond to any messages lately. For some reason it wouldn't let me post. Anyways......I have nothing against fathers. I know single fathers who have raised their babies and did a great job! But like Jade said I also was a nanny and daycare worker in the past and grew up taking care of children. So I had experience. My fear was because my daughters father doesn't have ANY experience. Not only that but he doesn't know anything about her. Yes lately he has been spending time with her but he hardly even speaks to her. He has recently asked to be able to take her on his own and  I DID AGREE. Being that they have only known each other since July 1,2007 I did have a few requests first that I thought was fair. And he agreed to them.
1) I wanted to be able to come over before hand to his place so I can see where she will be.
2) I wanted to meet the live in girl friend since she will be spending time with Laila. I thought this was fair considering I,myself watch who I bring into my OWN house.
3) It's only to be a few hours at a time at first.

I definitely didn't expect any men to come on here bashing me I will tell you that. Especially when I see alot of women (some of my friends) who do everything against their ex out of spite.
 And to gerogiadad I really think I'm being fair. Turn the shoes around and how would you react if you hadn't heard from the other parent for 2 years and 9 months and all of a sudden they show up? I seriously doubt you would just hand over your 2 year old baby just because they have the same blood.
He may be her father but unfortunatley he's still someone she DOES NOT know. And that was HIS choice as I have done everything I could over the past 2 years to involve him. And believe it or not involve his girlfriend of 3 years.

[kahumano]

Sorry but I wouldn't to that to my baby girl. Every child has a right to know their parents. And I'm not going to make her pay for his mistakes. When she gets older I will be able to honestly say that I tried.
I'm not doing this for him, I'm doing it for HER.

[gerogiadad]

I apologize If i sounded like I was bashing you personally.  

Everyone's situation and case is different.  And it was more directed to the generalized statements of my own past.  I have been singled out as just a male that needs to be watched while around his child, I have had the opposing lawyer use the "male" card as a reason for supervised visitation.  I have seen mothers that have raised a child and completely ruined the child's mind and ability to cope with the world without destroying everything around to get attention.  Then tell me that I need to be supervised, why?  Because I am a male and Males can't be around children alone because they know nothing about children.  

That is the stereotype that needs to die away.

The courts need a hefty reason to give him supervised visitation.  So, if you can get him to agree to this supervised visitation without taking it to a judge so be it, but if he has his ducks in a row he can get unsupervised for at least a few hours a day.  
Yes, I had the mother that said, "I need to see you with our child for a while before you can take him alone."  The courts saw it differently because I got my ducks in a row.

In the end, I gained custody and part of the help she gave me was the "stereotyping" which didn't help her case at all.

[Jade]

>The courts need a hefty reason to give him supervised
>visitation.  So, if you can get him to agree to this
>supervised visitation without taking it to a judge so be it,
>but if he has his ducks in a row he can get unsupervised for
>at least a few hours a day.  


Probably now that he has actually spent some time with the baby.

But it is not uncommon for courts to order supervised visits for parents who have not seen their child in a very long time while the child gets to know the parent and gets more comfortable being with the absent parent.

That's not a stereotype, that is taking the child into consideration.