Single mother,advice on father visitation

[mistoffolees]

>Sorry but I wouldn't to that to my baby girl. Every child has
>a right to know their parents. And I'm not going to make her
>pay for his mistakes. When she gets older I will be able to
>honestly say that I tried.
>I'm not doing this for him, I'm doing it for HER.

If that's what you're trying to do, then stop playing games. Let him see his daughter.

[Kitty C.]

If that's the case, I'm surprised they let me even take my baby home when he was born!  They went over the standard newborn care that most hospitals give new parents, but that's ALL the 'training' I had and I would venture to say all that a good majority of parents get.  And I didn't know infant CPR either.  The only experience I've ever had (if you want to call it that) was babysitting a few times when I was a teen, and DS was born when I was 27.

Yes, a lot of new parents nowadays are better informed and there's a LOT more information out there from them than there ever was even 15-20 years ago.  But it still doesn't change the fact that, unless you actually have a job taking care of babies, learning how to take care of your newborn is more or less flying by the seat of your pants. you learn as you go.  SO many things that they told me at the hospital didn't even pertain to us.  Every child is different and every situation is different.  And I would also venture to say that every parent, either father or mother, is scared s***less when they bring that first newborn home and they're on their own.  I know I was.  But once parent and baby spend some time getting to know each other, and by lots of repetition, they both learn how to deal with their new world.

[mistoffolees]

>THANK YOU Jade!!
>I haven't been able to respond to any messages lately. For
>some reason it wouldn't let me post. Anyways......I have
>nothing against fathers. I know single fathers who have raised
>their babies and did a great job! But like Jade said I also
>was a nanny and daycare worker in the past and grew up taking
>care of children. So I had experience. My fear was because my
>daughters father doesn't have ANY experience. Not only that
>but he doesn't know anything about her. Yes lately he has been
>spending time with her but he hardly even speaks to her. He
>has recently asked to be able to take her on his own and  I
>DID AGREE. Being that they have only known each other since
>July 1,2007 I did have a few requests first that I thought was
>fair. And he agreed to them.
>1) I wanted to be able to come over before hand to his place
>so I can see where she will be.
>2) I wanted to meet the live in girl friend since she will be
>spending time with Laila. I thought this was fair considering
>I,myself watch who I bring into my OWN house.
>3) It's only to be a few hours at a time at first.
>
>I definitely didn't expect any men to come on here bashing me
>I will tell you that. Especially when I see alot of women
>(some of my friends) who do everything against their ex out of
>spite.
> And to gerogiadad I really think I'm being fair. Turn the
>shoes around and how would you react if you hadn't heard from
>the other parent for 2 years and 9 months and all of a sudden
>they show up? I seriously doubt you would just hand over your
>2 year old baby just because they have the same blood.
>He may be her father but unfortunatley he's still someone she
>DOES NOT know. And that was HIS choice as I have done
>everything I could over the past 2 years to involve him. And
>believe it or not involve his girlfriend of 3 years.


The problem is that your actions don't match your words. You SAY you're eager for him to see his daughter, but then you put up endless roadblocks and games.

As a father, he's entitled to see his daughter. You are NOT entitled to tell him how to do that (other than obvious safety issues).

[mistoffolees]

>Nobody said the father wasn't capable.  Just that he ISN'T
>familiar with taking care of a child at all.  
>


Neither are most mothers when they take their first child home.

Either he's the father and entitled to see his daughter or he's not. The mother does NOT have the right to set all these conditions on when she's going to ALLOW him to see his daughter.

[Jade]

>
>>Nobody said the father wasn't capable.  Just that he ISN'T
>>familiar with taking care of a child at all.  
>>
>
>
>Neither are most mothers when they take their first child
>home.

My response:

Well, I can't speak for all mothers, but I didn't choose not to see my child for 2 years after I gave birth.  I was there from day 1.  Establishing a relationship.  

You are overlooking one tiny fact.  The father CHOSE not to see his child at all.  

You said:


>
>Either he's the father and entitled to see his daughter or
>he's not. The mother does NOT have the right to set all these
>conditions on when she's going to ALLOW him to see his
>daughter.


Actually, until paternity is established, yes, she does.

Are you saying that a 2 year old should be sent off with a complete stranger?  Because that IS what he is.  And by his own choice.  

If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't be concerned about how the father, who chose to be a stranger to his child, felt about how I allowed visitation.  I would be more concerned with giving my very young child the time to get to know and establish some kind of relationship with the stranger that is her father(again,  it was his choice to be a stranger) before sending the small child off with the father.  

The child's emotional well-being is more important.  

And it isn't unheard of for a court to order visitation at the child's home WITH the mother present at first when the child doesn't know the ncp (again, this was the father's choice) so that the child can get to know and establish a relationship with the ncp in a way that doesn't emotionally harm said child.  

The reason that I keep pointing out how it was the father's choice to be a stranger to his child is because you are completely ignoring that.  In fact, you come across like she should have sent a 2 year old child off with someone that the child doesn't even know.  Which happened as a direct result of the father's actions.  Or inaction in this case.  

[Jade]

>>THANK YOU Jade!!
>>I haven't been able to respond to any messages lately. For
>>some reason it wouldn't let me post. Anyways......I have
>>nothing against fathers. I know single fathers who have
>raised
>>their babies and did a great job! But like Jade said I also
>>was a nanny and daycare worker in the past and grew up
>taking
>>care of children. So I had experience. My fear was because
>my
>>daughters father doesn't have ANY experience. Not only that
>>but he doesn't know anything about her. Yes lately he has
>been
>>spending time with her but he hardly even speaks to her. He
>>has recently asked to be able to take her on his own and  I
>>DID AGREE. Being that they have only known each other since
>>July 1,2007 I did have a few requests first that I thought
>was
>>fair. And he agreed to them.
>>1) I wanted to be able to come over before hand to his place
>>so I can see where she will be.
>>2) I wanted to meet the live in girl friend since she will
>be
>>spending time with Laila. I thought this was fair
>considering
>>I,myself watch who I bring into my OWN house.
>>3) It's only to be a few hours at a time at first.
>>
>>I definitely didn't expect any men to come on here bashing
>me
>>I will tell you that. Especially when I see alot of women
>>(some of my friends) who do everything against their ex out
>of
>>spite.
>> And to gerogiadad I really think I'm being fair. Turn the
>>shoes around and how would you react if you hadn't heard
>from
>>the other parent for 2 years and 9 months and all of a
>sudden
>>they show up? I seriously doubt you would just hand over
>your
>>2 year old baby just because they have the same blood.
>>He may be her father but unfortunatley he's still someone
>she
>>DOES NOT know. And that was HIS choice as I have done
>>everything I could over the past 2 years to involve him. And
>>believe it or not involve his girlfriend of 3 years.
>
>
>The problem is that your actions don't match your words. You
>SAY you're eager for him to see his daughter, but then you put
>up endless roadblocks and games.
>
>As a father, he's entitled to see his daughter. You are NOT
>entitled to tell him how to do that (other than obvious safety
>issues).


Her actions DO match her words.  She is giving her child the time to get to know her father (who chose to be a stranger to his child, btw) and not just thrusting her child into a situation that is emotionally harmful.  Sending a small child off with a complete stranger (again, this was the father's choice) is harmful.  

[mistoffolees]

>The reason that I keep pointing out how it was the father's
>choice to be a stranger to his child is because you are
>completely ignoring that.  In fact, you come across like she
>should have sent a 2 year old child off with someone that the
>child doesn't even know.  Which happened as a direct result of
>the father's actions.  Or inaction in this case.  


I'm not ignoring that at all. I just don't think it's particularly relevant.

The father wants to see his child. The mother is putting all sorts of roadblocks in his way. That's not right.

If it were simply "I'd like for him to see the child in my house the first time or two", I wouldn't have a problem with it. But she keeps throwing out one roadblock after another and excuses why the father should be kept from seeing his daughter. THAT is what I'm objecting to.

[Jade]

>>The reason that I keep pointing out how it was the father's
>>choice to be a stranger to his child is because you are
>>completely ignoring that.  In fact, you come across like she
>>should have sent a 2 year old child off with someone that
>the
>>child doesn't even know.  Which happened as a direct result
>of
>>the father's actions.  Or inaction in this case.  
>
>
>I'm not ignoring that at all. I just don't think it's
>particularly relevant.
>


Of course you don't.

But a judge probably will.  

She's not throwing up roadblocks because she wants to take it slow.  

The father has already shown that he's not that particularly interested.  This could be just a passing phase in his life.  

The child is what is important here.  Not the father, not the mother.

The child doesn't know her father through the fathers own choice.  The child should not have to be forced into long periods of visitation with a stranger.  And it takes more than a time or two for a small child to be comfortable with a person.  

[kahumano]

Nah.. not road blocks. I just love my baby girl enough not to just drop her off with a complete stranger. And I love her enough to do all I can to make sure she is going to be in safe hands. Sounds like you just have a little bitterness concerning your own experience maybe. Hey, this is a man who abandoned his daughter. I don't really care what his legal rights are until he takes me to court. Until then I will do whatever it takes for them to have a relationship but also make sure she's in good hands.

[kahumano]

Nope, not playing games. Her safety and welfare comes first. I won't air his dirty laundry on here but lets just say I have reasons that justify my concerns. Actually, I doubt he would ever take me to court because they probably would order supervised visits.