Certified Letter Question

[Crockpot]

In my DH and ex's CO they exchange the kids in a parking lot at a local store.  DH was doing all the driving until BM recently got a car.  She's telling DH that she can't get off work in time to met him for the drop off (at 5pm, she works until 6pm) and he'll have to pick up the kids at the baby-sitters.  She works in a fast food restaurant and her hours are scheduled 30 days in advance.  Last we heard she's made no attempt to change her hours in order to meet DH.  DH changed his hours so he can be at the meeting point on time.  

DH wants her to stick to the CO.  She evades it every chance she gets.  He'd file for contempt but we don't think a judge would see her as 'willfully' disregarding the order since she'll claim she can't get off work.

DH wants to send her a certified letter. We're hoping it will scare her into complying.  We were thinking something along the lines of:
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Since your work schedule is posted 30 days out I am willing to pick up the girls from XX's house for the next 30 days.  As of XX date I expect you to be a the designated drop off location for exchanges.
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Anything we should add or not say?  Is this the proper first step?  Any guidance would be appreciated.  DH is trying to pick his battles, but this one has been going on (in difference ways) for years.    

[MixedBag]

Pick and choose...yes

How far is the babysitter away from the half way point?

What about asking mom to pick up at the end of the weekend since dad does all the driving on Friday?

If dad gets the kids an hour late, how about returning them an hour later when the weekend is over?

just some ideas...

[mistoffolees]

Let's see if I understand this.

CO says that he picks up the kids at a local store at 5 pm. BM says that this is a problem for her and she wants him to pick kids up at the sitter's at 5 pm instead of her dropping the kids off at the store.

Is that correct?

If so, stop making trouble where none exists.  No one's taking DH's time away but she's simply asking him to pick the kids up at a different location. In fact, it will reduce his contact with BM which might be a good thing considering the hostility being shown.

Now, if the sitter is far away from the store and it involves much more driving, I might ask her for some compensation for the extra distance, but unless it's 50-100 miles, I'd just forget it.

Pick your battles. This doesn't appear to be one of them. Certainly no reason to start a hostile battle (scare her into complying) when she's trying to make a living.

[ocean]

I would ask to meet her at 6pm instead at the local store (or her job if it is closer).
Asking that she change her work schedule is not going to work in court but if it got that far you could ask for the extended time so child would not have to go to babysitters.

[Crockpot]

The kids are young so keeping them an hour longer isn't a good option.  We already believe they don't get enough sleep.  I like the idea of having BM do the driving for the pick up, it would give him more time with them at our house.  I'll suggest that to DH.  

The babysitter is farther than the meeting point, adding about 30 minutes to the drive.  Considering DH only gets them for two hours on Wednesday visit, we think it's substantial.    

I agree he needs to pick his battles.  However, there is a long history of BM doing whatever she can not to drive adding considerable gas expense and miles to DH's car.  DH has done all the driving since they split five years ago even when she had a car and she moved 35 miles away (about an hour each way driving).  

Yes the woman needs to make a living, but we also believe she needs to do her part in trying to comply to a CO she agreed to.  She knew she'd have to meet DH at 5pm before she got this job.  We have examples of her changing her schedule for all sorts of things that benefit her.  

The letter is more for us to document that she is not complying.  We don't actually expect her to do anything to help DH – although it would be nice.  She hasn't been complying since the date the CO was signed.  

Thanks for the suggestions.  

[knoot7]

my only suggestion is not using certified letter but using Fedex with the required signature. I say this as BM may or may not decided to go to the post office and pick up the letter if she isn't home at the time of delivery.  fedEx will continue to try to deliver several times over.

I suggest this since it took us more than 30 days to recieve the returned letter #1  and #2 and receipt of trying to get BM the letter. We tried 2 times...and both times BM was not at home for signature. If not home just a notice is left and it is up to BM to go to the post office. And takes almost a month to get your "proof" back. Fedex is online accessible signature and all.

[Tikki]

I'm stuck with this one.

How long has she been working at the FF rest?  Does your DH have a copy of her work schedule?  Our CO states that BM/DH are required to provide each other work schedule/contact info.  Claiming she can't do it - she better have the documentation to back that up.....

If its legit (that she can't get off work) then he'd have a difficult time in court.  Plus, he's already done all the driving anyway...

However, has she discussed a change in schedule with her employer?

That's where I'd start -

"BM, The court order specifically states this: XXXXXXXXXX.
Over the last X amount of time, I have provided all of the necessary transportation in order to see our children during my designated time, despite it being outlined in the CO that you have a responsibility in assisting with the transportation and arrangements of visitation.  

Now that you have suitable transportation, now it seems your work schedule is interferring with your compliance with the CO.   Please discuss with your employer a change in your work schedule for the days we are to meet at 5 p.m. for exchange.  Should your employer be unwilling or unable to change your schedule, please provide me with their written explanation.

Your inability to meet the transportation needs of the children as outlined in the CO has been ongoing for years now.  Should this not change within the next 60 days, I will be forced to take legal action."
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When my DH's ex got a decent job, her reasons for not caring for the childrne when they were sick or off school or had a doc appt was "I'm on probation, I can't take off work"  was understandable.  I had a decent job and DH was able to help out too - he and I took turns taking off during BM's probationary period when the kids were sick, had appts, etc.  However, we later learned she was able to take off days to go visit her friend of convenience aka sex friend.  

Now that her probationarly period is over, she still doesn't want to do it.  Her newest excuse in regards to appts are "You made it, you take them".  And when Eldest recently got sick she wouldn't take her to the doc (urgent care after hours ) because "it was too busy".

[Crockpot]

Good idea on the Fed ex.  

We should also do that with letters we send the kids.  Twice we've sent them postcards to BM's house, and mysteriously they are never delivered!  Amazing!  

Thanks!

[Crockpot]

BM has been working at this FF since May.  They signed the CO in March.  Initially she had a friend do her driving since she didn't have a car.  When the friend got sick of BM using them DH had to bring kids to and from BM's house, which is not close.  BM got a car several weeks ago.  BM told DH she has not contacted her employer about changing her hours to accommodate her CO and doesn't plan to.  

DH does not have a copy of her work schedule, BM is not CO to provide it.  But generally she works 9-6pm.  If she legitimately can't get the time off we wouldn't push it but she does get time off when she needs it and she hasn't even asked.  For example, because they are out of school we have the girls most of this week and suddenly BM hours change to noon-8pm for the week.  I think someone gets to sleep in this week!  

I like your sample letter.  The CO isn't years old so we'll have to change that part.  I'll show it to DH and see what he thinks.

[ocean]

You are not going to change her work schedule so stop trying. I really think that if you want to fight this because the CO states XYZ. Then tell her that you will meet her at the meeting place at 6. Either: A) she make arrangements for someone to be there or B) She lets you have them to 6:30 and she can meet you after work that you will not be driving the extra 30 miles each way.

If they are going to the babysitter anyway then why not keep them? 6:00 is early and not even a toddler goes to bed that early. Feed them dinner and get them in their pj's and bring them to the meeting place. Take the extra time if she will let you instead of her paying a babysitter.

Sending the certified letter to make her change her work schedule will not look so good in court. Work schedules change especially where she works. Be careful, if it goes to court you may lose the weekly visit because you can not work around the schedule.

I know some of these responses may sound harsh but most of us have been there and you have a long road ahead of you so pick you battles... :)