If kids don't want to see NCP - written in order??

[Crockpot]

DH and his ex are working out an agreement to modify the current order.  DH wants to add midweek overnights (since we've been doing it for several months) and ex wants to end weekend visits 1.5 hours earlier.  DH was OK with that since youngest daughter was recently diagnosed with ADHD and getting back to mom's earlier will help her adjust and get to bed easier.  

This AM ex said she was OK with things as they were stated.  In her usual fashion she has to have the last word.  She texted DH and said she wants to add a statement that when the kids turn 15 they can deicide if they go see their dad.  DH is not agreeing to this.  

I was wondering if a judge would even allow this type of language in an order?  It just seems to have disaster written all over it.  Not just for DH but for kids and mom.  Does anyone have this type of statement in their order or have an opinion?

[mistoffolees]

I could see a judge putting it in the order since at age 15 if the kid really doesn't want to see the parent, they're old enough to make the entire thing painful enough for everyone that the NCP would just give up.

But I don't think it's likely. Even more important, I don't think it's desirable. Under a regular court order, the kids have to see NCP on a given schedule whether CP likes it or not. Under this scenario, it would be very easy for CP to make the kids' lives miserable if they don't state that they don't want to see the other parent. Under enough pressure, most kids would give in and give CP what she wants.

So I would vote for insisting that it NOT be there.

[Crockpot]

I could not agree with you more.  DH told the ex he was not going to agree to it.  I think her wanting it shows her lack of respect for the girls relationship with their dad.  She has a history of it.  

The kids love to come to our house now.  They don't however love our rules.  We make them eat their vegetables (seriously, that is their one complaint about our house).  They're 9 and 6.  The ex doesn't make them eat what they don't like.  I could see a pattern in her parenting developed to ensure they don't want to come to our house when their 15.  DH is not taking any chances.

Not really adding much, just venting.

   

[MixedBag]

I would never agree to having that sentence written into any stipulated agreement.

I would hope a judge would never include it in any order.

As a CP, my girls went to go see their dad -- and the only time it was shorter than court ordered was when dad left to go to Korea, when dad returned from Korea, and when MD had to go by herself (without OD) and dad finally understood that sitting at his house all day with "nothing to do" wasn't really a good thing for a teen.....at 17.

It was Dad who said "I gotta cut it short, military orders."

But the girls knew better than to come to me and say "Geez Mom, I don't wanna spend Christmas with dad."  

As a NEW CP for our son -- after being the NCP for upteen years, our son knows better already.

As the NCP, I got the line from Dad that our son has "more important things scheduled" etc.....and that went over like a lead baloon.  And since I'm the CP now based on our son's wishes.....the truth unfolded.

Even as a STEP-NCP, and STEP-CP, relationships with the other parent was encouraged and set as a priority.  My steps were not allowed to cut off their NCP/BM no matter how much she hurt them and arguments happened.  And they argued using "I'm never gonna talk to you again, click" all the flippin' time.  It was like a cat with 9 lives, only they had hundreds of lives...

So....that's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it even now that the shoe is on the other foot (from being an NCP to CP).

[Crockpot]

We've already had issues where oldest wanted to come for mid week visits, but didn't want to spend the night.  She told mom it was because we have different rules.  BM and daughter met with school counselor to discuss (BM didn't give DH enough notice to attend).  Counselor told her that every house has different rules and it's not a reason not to visit.  This is the same counselor that told BM to have girls spend overnights mid-week is good for them and can't be an emotional decision.  Meaning, you can't take it away if you get pissed about something.  BM was actually going to tell daughter she didn't have to spend the night.  The rule she didn't like?  She sits at the table until she eats her veggies.  Of course, BM makes each child their own veggie, so they don't have to eat what they don't like.  May work for some, but not us.  We all eat the same thing.  Sometimes it's what the grown ups like and sometimes it's fish sticks.  :)  

DH and I agree, we're not bending rules to entice kids to want to come.  If BM wants to put the idea in their heads that they have a choice, she's only hurting the child.  I really think kids should be raised that seeing both parents is the way it is - like you did Mixed.  We know that as they get older things will come up and we'll work with them.  But not seeing dad shouldn't even be an option in a child's mind.

[MixedBag]

how about "Not seeing a NCP or parent shouldn't even be an option in a child's mind???

Good luck -- and you have my support

[Crockpot]

Yes, good point.  

Thanks.