long-distance parenting

[stcd5773]

both mom and alleged father have always lived in seperate states
mom, husband (of 5 years) and child are in CO
alleged father is in TN
child is 2

alleged father spent app 4 hours per day with child for 3 months while mother was visiting family in TN for holidays (mother was with alleged father and child).  alleged father also spent other minimal time with child in the past year due to mother fighting alleged father's false jurisdiction allegations in TN (CO won jurisdiction cuz child has NEVER resided elsewhere, alleged father falsely stated child lived with him in TN).

now, we're slowly moving on with life and talking about a parenting plan.  i've gotten all the nitty-gritty details down pat already but am, of course, having issues with the actual visitation part.  alleged father won't talk about the "little details" as he calls them, until we talk about visitation details.  so in efforts to get this talk going, i pulled a suggestion out of my butt.....
7 days/6 nights spring
8 days/7 nights summer
6 days/5 nights winter
this is only until the child starts school, then visitation increases.

child and mother still co-sleep.  child has been away from mother for a total of 8 hours at once, max (part of this was sleep time).  actual distance between mother and alleged father is 1313 miles.  i don't feel comfortable with my child being gone for 7 days at once when she's never been away from me for longer than 8 hours.  i'm also concerned that there will be too long of a gap between alleged father seeing the child for this schedule to just be agreed upon and ordered.

i also don't feel this plan for visitation is workable cuz the alleged father works 5 days one week, 5 1/2 days the next week.  child is not bonded with anyone in alleged father's family.....in other words, either mother or (alleged) father will be the only persons exchanging the child.

please just ask if you need any other details.

[Kitty C.]

If he is the biological father, why do you keep calling him the 'alleged' father?  Either he's the bio father or he's not.  Which is it?  If he's not the bio father, he doesn't have any rights to the child at all.

[stcd5773]

my husband of 5+ years is my child's legal father....the guy that i'm referring to in this post is my child's biological father....paternity was fraudulently established in TN and then voided due to lack of jurisdiction (alleged father stated that child lived with him in TN when the child has NEVER resided elsewhere outside of CO since birth).  alleged father has yet to file to establish rights/responsibilities in CO but supposedly will be doing so sooner than later.  after the 50+ attornies i've spoken with in regards to this specific matter, due to the orders being vacated/dismissed and voided, the alleged father is just that; alleged (until he files in CO and takes a court-ordered DNA test to establish paternity correctly).

[Ref]

The tone you are using is already starting things off on a bad foot. Look, he is not allegedly the father, you slept with him and got pregnant with his child. It doesn't sound like you are disputing this. So at least stop pretending that he isn't. Call him the BF if you still consider your husband the "real" dad. Are you denying the partenity legally knowing he is the bio father? If so, you will just lose in the long run and REALLY start things off in a bad way with your baby's BF. That also doesn't make you look like a good person at all.

Also, as far as I can tell he didn't commit a fraud by filing paternity in a different jurisdiction. It is more of a mistake. I am sure he wouldn't have wasted his time and $ filing in the wrong jursdiction if he knew better.

Look at the Anna Nicole case. This seems very similar. He may have had the paterity estabished in the wrong jursdiction, but eventually , after she dragged everything out past her own death out of spite and true jerkiness, the real dad got his rights. AND the child got her RIGHTS to be with her bio-dad.

Maybe you should spend some time trying to work out how you can put aside your personal issues and deal with the reality that eventually he will be in your child's life and in some way yours for at leat 18 years. I suggest you save on the legal bills by assisting in establishing his parternity and visitation rights and child support obligations and spend it on working on dealing with you emotional hang-ups keeping you from doing the right thing.

Best wishes to your baby,
Ref

[stcd5773]

so, i just re-read my original post and realized i didn't even ask a dang question; sorry!

i'm just looking for input in regards to actual future visitation.  i have no problems with my child's BF being in her life....the more people to love her the happier she will be!!!

BF's response in regards to actual future visitation is that there is NO plan that is workable for a 2 y/o when parents live such a huge distance apart.  i agree that it stinks but i am attempting to figure something out so that this visitation can begin ASAP.

so, with that being said....i really need some input based on the facts in my original post in regards to actual future visitation (and my concerns on the fact that my lil girl hasn't been over-night with me, etc...)

[stcd5773]

FYI, in addition to everything the BF filed being dismissed, voided, etc... the final ruling by the judge was in fact, that "Father has unclean hands." There is A LOT more to the story than I'm posting because it don't have anything to do with us finally working on a parenting plan together.  Trust me, I didn't go in debt over $12,000 in attorney fees just to dispute jurisdiction.  BF did motion after motion to try and keep us from returning home to CO (we were only in TN to dispute prior fraudulent allegations); all motions were total B.S. and way off in left field (yes, i even had all the paperwork to prove everything he stated was/is false).

anywho, i'm working on letting go of all that stuff and moving on with life....i'm workin on a detailed parenting plan (and trying to get BF to work on one),  i've already gone to a co-parenting class, have a book on it, and have read a lot about it online.....like i said, i'm workin on lettin go of past B.S. so my lil girl CAN go see BF w/o the two of us being so hostile towards one another.  i have far too much stress in life to let this all eat at me forever!

[wendl]

OK I am a custodial mom and a wife to a non custodial father.  So I can see this from both sides.

As a mother I would have hard time parting from my child at a young age for long distance visitation HOWEVER, as a wife to a non custodial father I can see the pain it has a father who cannot have more time with his child, the courts minimize fathers to visitors in their childrens lives which is sad.

That being said.  Young kids adapt quite fast and well, it is important that dad be allowed to bond with his child, and for him working it is no different than a single workinng mom or a married working mom, many and most parents work full time and are away from their children most of the day even though we would all love to stay home more with our kids.  The child may cry for her mommy but that is normal, even when you put them in daycare they do that and get over it.  I would suggest that you have the father take child cpr and parenting classes, most states make both parents take parenting class.  Please make sure to never say bad things about dad in the childs presence (make sure your husband does the sam)

Their is no such thing as not enough people to love a child.  Believe me I know, I have had many hardships and losses to deal with in life.

As much as my ex is a smuck, I have never denied him visitation and always offered him as much time he wants which he rarely son our sone when we lived 4 miles from eachother, (even now that we live 600 miles away, I told him he could have our son all school breaks, with the exception of summer vacation as my son has always played allstar baseball which goes thru the middle of July.)

My son started going with his dad when he was 5 months old, many times his dad was not there but his parents were, my son is now 15 1/2 and is sooo close to his dads parents and has a great relationship with them, but not his dad as his dad has better things to do than be a dad. But in time our kids will learn for THEMSELVES what the other parent may or may not. My ex would go a yr or two without contact with his son then blame it on me, everything is my fault, but my son and I are close and he tells me how he feels about what his dad does and does not do, I simply reply sorry honey I cannot control your fathers behavior or actions, he is the only person that can change that.

I have been with my husband for 7yrs and my son still struggles with my husband only because he sees how my husband treats his kids and how involved he tries to be even though we are in different states, he sees how his father has lack of involvement.    I learned many things about my own mother how hateful she was toward my dad the older I got (even though she never denied visitation)

Remember it is not how we feel about the other parent or how they parent, we all are different. The important thing is your child has the right to have both parents in his life and if a stepparent is involved that is just a bonus.

When doing a parenting plan prepare for the future so you do not have to keep going back to court, include what the visitaiton would be once child starts school (might want to look at a school calender for the school in our area to see how their school holidays work).

Please keep and open and caring heart and remember it is not about the ex, it is about what is best for your child.

Best wishes.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[MixedBag]

In that case, I'd read wendl's response....

And when you're done, start with a much more liberal long distance plan than what you originally posted.