Infant Visitation, scared/stressed, please help me out

[confusedone]

my situation: mother to be in March 08, father and I were never married. we live in ohio. he wants 50/50 visitation right away, i wouldnt agree to this. I think there should be a step up plan leading to overnights/weekends. He is not willing to work with me on anything. I want him to spend time with her and bond with her however i dont think overnights are a good idea right away. I will be breastfeeding, not sure if that matters or not. Also, I work from home so there will be no daycare involved when she is with me.  

my questions: what is a typical visitation plan the court will order? what age of the baby does the judge order overnight visits?  Does me breastfeeding have any affect on the overnight decision?  What can I expect the judge to order?

Thanks for any help/advice. I am so scared and stressed out

[wendl]

First what makes you scared??

Second many moms breastfeed, you can pump and freeze the milk.

I can totally understand how you feel, but babies adapt very well.   I know how hard it is to let your baby go with the other parent.  I was never married to my ex and my son started going to his dads house (his parents watch him not dad) every other weekend when he was 5 months old.  The reason he was older is we had to have paternity established thru the courts etc and that took time and I breastfed until my son was over 6 months old.  At daycare and dads they thawed my breastmilk and fed the baby.

As woman and protectors we have a hard time letting go, even when they get older that never goes away.  The important thing for a child is to have two parents involved in his/her life regardless what we think of our ex's (sometimes they suprise us for the best)

Remember this is a very special and priceless moment in both your lives welcoming a new baby.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Giggles]

I will also say that 50/50 is BEST for the child regardless of age.  I fully believe the earlier you start the 50/50 the better it is for the child because then there is no need for an adjustment period.  My X and I split when our daugther was about 18 months.  We did the 50/50 routine and it worked great.  She is now almost 16 and is doing very well because she knows she has the love and support of BOTH parents!!!

Is it he's not willing to work with you or are you not willing to try anything he suggests?  Please don't take that as a slam, just think about it and how you would feel if you were in his shoes.

As for what the court will order...well if you and Dad can work out a good plan, they will order that.  Just remember that this CHILD is a part of both of you...having a court decide the fate of the child isn't always the best thing...think about it.  Would you rather decide the fate of your child or leave it up to a stranger??  Doesn't make much sense does it??

[Kitty C.]

Let me ask you this:  if you two were married, wouldn't he be getting up in the middle of the night when the baby wakes up?  Would you pump so that he could feed the baby at night when he changes her?  Would you leave the baby at home with him while you would be out, possibly at work all day?  

Let's put it this way, it should be no different than if you were married, the 'only' difference is that the baby has to switch homes.  What amazes me is that some mothers have no qualms whatsoever about putting their newborns in daycare, but many balk at allowing the father to even have a fraction of that time.  And the daycare provider is a complete stranger!

And yes, babies are VERY adaptable.  If they can get used to going to a daycare every day, they can easily go between homes every week.  The only drawback is letting them go.  But it's something that almost every parent has gone through.  

I remember how tough it was to put my son in daycare and be away from him all day when he was a baby, but that was nothing compared to putting him on a plane BY HIMSELF when he was 7 years old to travel 1800 miles to see his dad ALL SUMMER.  I would stand at the window every time and bawl as the plane would take off.  But for what little discomfort I went through, it doesn't even compare to the pain DS has dealt with when his dad died while DS was spending the summer with him 5 years ago.  DS was 13 at the time.

Trust me, I totally empathize with your situation.....BT, DT.  Emotionally, it may be the most difficult thing you have done in your life....SO FAR.  But kids have a way of tearing your heart out and handing it back to you.  You are now on an emotional roller coaster that will last even long past your child becomes an adult.  Mine is now approaching 19 and try having to stand back to allow them to make mistakes on their own.  THAT is truely scary!  Especially with all DS has been thru in his life.  Compared to all he's been through, sending him 1800 miles away every summer was a piece of cake.

What this all boils down to is that it is ALL about the child.  You and the father WILL work together for at least the next 18 years to parent her, and she MUST have both of you in her life 'consistently' in order to grow up as a well-rounded individual.  Please don't make the father a 'visitor' in his child's life.  It could be the most detrimental thing you could do to both of them.  Work with dad, he is just as much a part of her life as you are, and it doesn't make any difference how old she is.  They are babies for only a very short time, and you and dad BOTH need to share in that.

[babyfat]

First you have to establish paternity like another poster said it took 5 months for her that gives you 5 months to establish supply of milk and learn how to effectively use the pump. Then you have to see what the court says about 50/50 some judges won't do over nights right off the bat some will. Some will set the goal as 50/50 but do it slowly over time. It really depends on the judge because some judges are so anti dad it isn't funny and he could end up with every other weekend and that is it. If he is being a pain in the but that is what you have to look foward to for 18 years or more. If that is the case learn how to deal and the best way to do that is get a parenting plan and make it very detailed and follow it to the letter. For the sake of the child I would do 50/50 just because he is a dirt bag to you does not always indicate how he will act towards the child give him a chance to be a good dad first and you should be happy he wants to be involved with the child that only benifits the child even more.

[boojosu]

Hello, I'm in a similar situation only I'm the father.  I admit when we first found out, I had dellusions that we could splitt the time 50/50.  She had a real problem with this and the more information I read, she was right.  She lives in Oregon and some counties have prepared standard visiting plan that outline parenting time in these situations.  They range from very stringent like 2/week for two hours each visit from birth to 18 months, 1/week for 6 hours 18 Mo to 30 Mo, and 0ver 30 Mo is every other Friday 6PM to Sat. 6PM.   This plan seems really unreasonable to me as someone that wants to be a father to his child and I'm told by attorneys, childrens services counselors, etc. that if she would not agree to a more reasonable plan, I would get much more time if it went to court.  Other plans have overnights starting at 12 months.  I'm desperately trying to find information on what is best for the child, and haven't seen anything clearly laid out.  If you google "standard parenting plans oregon" you will turn up a link to the Oregon family Courts (or something similar).  They outline 3 types of parent situations and the parenting time for each.  It maybe helpful to you.  However, please (as a father speaking to a mother) understand that while as an infant the child needs his/her mother primarily, it is very important to allow bonding time for the child and father.  This, as near as I can tell, can best be accomplished by frequent visits (e.g. 3 visits/week).  Also, all the people giving me advice agree there will be at least a 3 month period that you will need to teach the father about the child (you'll learn them much quicker).  Things like the difference between different cries.  He should be willing to let the first 3 months (maybe more or less depending on everyone involved) be kind of supervised by you.  I'd come up with a different word, as supervised maybe offensive especially if he's been around other children.  

This really pains me in my situation as my family lives a ways away.  My Grandmother cannot travel at all.  This will make it really difficult for the child to meet and bond with my family.  I'm hoping that after 6Mo I am at least able to take the child to my home for up to 8 hours on a weekend where my family that can travel to my home can meet and visit the kid.  

Again, I'm really searching for information on what's best for the child on this.  As much as I want to be as active a dad as possible, I have to think of the kid's best interest.  If you come across books or articles that address visitation in the infancy stages, I'd really like to know them.

Thanks, I hope this helps.